Friday, December 30, 2011

Who am I to say

So im in a relationship now. L is my boyfriend. Call me stupid, naive, call it whatever.. frankly i don't have the time for anything else. Seriously..
I am not your average 20 year old.
I don't party.
I don't spend money frivilously.
I don't smoke.
I don't drink.. well not heavily.. or socially.. whatever.
I don't do spontanious things.
I don't go to the movies every friday.
I don't sneak out.
I don't hang out.
I don't get my hair done.
I don't get my nails done.
I don't shop.
I don't keep up with the jones (i don't even know how to)
I don't buy new clothes. (I buy shoes, but i've since toned that down.. honestly most people i know buy something new every other day. I do not)
I don't date..
I don't have time..
Here's what i do do..
I work.
I go to school.
I take care of my family.
I save money.
I pay bills.
I might watch tv.. maybe..
I eat.... Thats about it..
That sums it up mostly. I am in no way average. So who am i to think that i could date? Trying to hang out with friends is an ordeal, let alone trying to sync my minimalistic schedule with someone else's. Trying to date L has been hectic. We don't really get to do anything. Any moment we have together we steal, and those moments are always short lived.
So i've got a boyfriend. They're easier to manage.. plus i really really like L. So this feels right. I don't feel cheated out of dating around anymore. What i do feel cheated out of is living my life.
The mom expects me home right after work. So immediatey following the 9 to 5 i start the 5 to 9 ( which tends to work me overtime well into the wee hours of 1 am.)
But who am i to complain??
Right. I've got a roof over my head. Even if it feels like a prison most of the time. The mom claims that she doesn't care what i do after the house is "set". However she failed to give a definition for "set" so who knows when the house will achieve that goal.
So until then, im a slave to sneaking moments of short lived fun and declining day's of shopping with the girls. I've got to be a responsible adult!
I might as well get married and have kids.
The faster i have kids, the faster they grow up, the faster i can live vicariously through them. My youth is two steps from gone.
Give it a rest my mind says, stop trying to fight the lack of life.. deal with the dullness of your existence. Release the envy against those who can life to the fullest.  You have no right to complain. You're alive.
I guess I can sum it up as this: who am i to say im not alive??

Thursday, December 29, 2011

January 10th

The date has been set. and time will return again.
I guess I'll have to wait until then
To wash away the pain
but of course and always
remember those miles of infinite ways
regurgitate the things we don't say, to keep them hidden and locked away.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


Can you publicly keep secrets??
Odd question I know.. but I put my secrets out in public, for anyone to see, but I don't tell them to those who surround me
These secret symphonies.. hell bent on killing me
For them, I open my heart fully
but for you, pretend it doesn't exist casually
Originally I didn't intend to be sorry, I lost control of the party that I created for me and thee to be sweetly tucked away softly, but now all can see, while you're blind to the truth that hides so deeply..

So here's an epiphany for the epitome of the calgary...

this tiny little secrets i shall keep

The Carousel turns...

So it's been a while. as always. And I'm back to square one.. depression.
Christmas was a bust. I didn't get any presents, I didn't expect any, I didn't want any, I didn't give any.

I called the father. He didn't answer. My sister made a mistake of calling me back, and so our conversation didn't last long.

I cried later.

Maybe he's in Canada.

But that doesn't matter. This is in lieu of a video diary, so I have to be blunt.

What matters is that I'm caring again, about not caring.

It's been such a tangled mess.
I can't even begin to put everything into perspective. It's a little bit overwhelming, everything.

My relationship with my family is walking a tight rope. I wake up faking. I go to sleep faking.

My friends are getting closer and farther all the same. I do love them though. If only they could understand.

My best friend, my love, V ... has been an amazing light in my vast sea of darkness.. what would I do without her.. oh, I know.. I'd die.

I have almost alienated myself from myself. I'm searching for her, hopefully she'll pop up.

It's incredibly late, i'm confused, tired, upset, and reeling at things that I can't understand or make sense of at the moment. To top it off i have to work later. and L is planning on having a coffee with me before work. We'll see how that plays out.

Things happen and people come and go, friends stay and know, but enemies last forever.. I love you all though

Where everything that has happened or will happen has gotten me (parable speak I know, but deal...) to a point of destruction.

You have to tear something apart before you can grow/build anything.

But im not dying. I'm living. and It's terrible. and hard. and most don't understand the gravity that doesn't exist inside of me. I am not grounded but my soul floats among this world that I think I live in.

So I'm alive but I'm not living. and It's terrible. and hard. and most understand but don't know they do and wish they didn't so that they could blame for being who I am and for them being themselves. It's ok, if you would like to move on without a breathe, I'll open your lungs for you... you'll never know I was there.

So this post is turning out to be incredibly long. I tried to stay away from that, obviously I failed. If anyone reads this (meaning no one) than just know, not all my post will be this long hence forth.

It's only because I like spaces and ellipses' and one liners and it's 4 am in the morning. and I don't want to stop writing because I don't want to go to sleep suffocated by thoughts. I'll be a bitch tomorrow (later) even though I've been a bitch already. It's ok. I've never been a bitch in my life, so this is good for me to try out.

(more spaces) I'm cold. and there was something else I was going to say but it's gone now. shit..

ahh, my mom said I shouldn't curse so much. L says the same thing. He thinks im a potty mouth. Am i?

Whatever, fuck it. (< how's that for potty mouth... yes, it can get worse)

and the Carousel turns.....

Sunday, December 25, 2011

It's christmas.. is it christmas??

Im at a cross road. Where everything makes me feel empty. And alone. And shallow.. is this christmas?? Is this depression??
Is this a figment of my imagination??

The questions one asks themselves when they've been pretending everything was ok, only to realize that it isn't.

But it's ok,  because it's not okay.
I don't remember the holiday
I don't remember what's gone away
I don't remember the words to say... Even though i promised i'd never forget....

I mean, what could i possibly say... I just want to be alone
I want to be gone and away like a rogue wind, bustling and whispering sin and secrets alike, "i'll tell you yours if you tell me mine...."

But again, those are only words ... Life is only words
Pain and hurt happiness serenity words words words

Is that christmas?? Just a word?? Filled with fake meaning?? Words behind words behind words. For every word theres a word for it's meaning, which means words as well. It's perpetual. This understanding of being lost... Is only simple words.....

Monday, December 19, 2011

Lions, Tigers and Bears.. OH MY!

It's been a while since I've actually sat down and processed all that has happened. Especially concerning how I feel about everything.

So as of today, I think Im in love.
I'm not sure how i feel about this.
I don't think I've ever connected with anyone on this level.

We talk.. of course among other things, but most of all we talk

It's crazy, because there's up's and downs and it's all weird. And crazy ..

But i think i like it, i think i love it..

Of course i don't think i know what love is but, we'll see

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Things we don't say...

So I've finally made it to the point where I start thinking about all of the things that I didn't say.
I kinda just wanted to fill in some of the blanks and sort of explain everything that has happened so far. (Very briefly)
Almost like a rewind/recap for those (meaning no one at all) who are lost as to what the fuck is going on. You know, because I have a tendency to speak in hieroglyphics and not english: it's paradoxical, I know.

So yeah so far:

I've broke up with my long term boyfriend (we were together for 5 years)
    I knew this would happen, I stopped being in love with him for some time.

And then of course there's this new guy (we'll title him L...)
    I've known him for about a year, but we were just acquaintances. After I broke up with my (now ex) boyfriend. I gave him my number and we "hooked up". Ever since then I can't get enough of him. I really like him and he really likes me. I'm not exactly sure about my feelings for him... ( I don't understand shit that I'm feeling right now, I just feel so empty. Like my feelings are a person of their own and I'm an outsider, and there's a glass between us, so my feelings speak.. but i can't hear.)  ... I just know that I really like him and I can see us becoming more than what we are now..

  We've also had sex.. multiple times. I don't normally do that. so that's new as well.
   I've also spent the night over his house, twice. But I don't normally do that either.

Then there's my family.
   They're being so overbearing and I feel this great need to run away. I believe that I just may, and that'll be really soon.

Heads up for more heiroglyphics:

So these are the things we don't say. The things we keep locked away.. sad and sorry, stormy days.. a million thousand infinate ways....

Thursday, December 8, 2011

It's Odd

It's late. And I am thinking about him.
What's odd is that I don't feel like I'm in love.
It just might be that don't know what love really is. I find that a very likely possibility, because every time I thought I was in love I ended up being wrong. Completely.

So what does that say about now, when I don't think I'm in love? Am I still wrong completely?

It's Odd.

I feel like with time.. more concrete feelings will develop. I just have to get over this hump in my life.

I've decided that I need to get away for a while. Just go.

I looked at a map and Vermont seemed cool. So we'll see how I plan on affording that. I wish I had a car, so I could just ride up there and sleep in my backseat in the middle of the Green Mountain National Park.
They'd call me a squatter and kick me out. But I'd crawl back in on my hands and knees begging to feel the trees.

Unfortunately I don't have any of those luxuries including the crawling amongst the dirty leaves. SO I have to figure out other ways to do this and not go DEAD BROKE.

At this moment I am avoiding doing my like 10 essays. but i better get them done or I'll fail this semester and no matter what I can't have that. I can accept a B and maybe if I'm feeling like shit a C, but I can NEVER accept an F.. so I gotta get this shit in.

I wish I could just force my mind to let the thoughts flow into words on paper. I can discuss so well all my topics in my mind, but as soon as I sit at the computer to type it all out, I end up here... avoiding it again.

But I digress, again as for the guy (lover).. ( I really can't consider him my boyfriend no matter how much he wants me to.. he hasn't reached that level yet, and I just can't feel it. so I told him no titles. we'll just be. Now he's dead set in love with me.) .. I can see myself growing with him. (but is that what i want?) (I don't know what I want)

Maybe I am still a means to an end.. and not the end.. do I want to be the end?
I still don't know what I want.
I wish I could type my essay's with this much ease. Despite the tangents.
Rather including the tangents, because that's what makes it so easy. I can let my mind...flow. That's impossible with my school work.

Anyway, he really likes me and I like him. But i'm still at a stand still as for how I really feel. Let's just hope something happens.

It's Odd.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

From this I Go

From this I go into the dark underbelly of the incandescent..
From this I go into the arms of the beautifully damned..
And I go ... where no one knows..

From this I go into the melody of the final breathe
From this I go into the whisper of the watery eyes
and I go.. where no one knows

From this my eyes shine, so sublime
From this my ignorance will teach me knowledge

From this I go away, in search of the day
From this I follow the path that faces the other way
And I go .. where no one knows.

From this I go into the disappearing
From this I go into the found
From this I follow what is nearing
From this I go towards the sound

From this I go into the depth of the lying hearts
From this I go into the stars spread far apart
And I go.. where no one knows

The Morning After (12.6.11)

I happen to be on the phone with the (now ex) boyfriend. After having spend the night with the guy or rather (now) lover.

We had sex twice, once with out a condom and once with. I don't know what I was thinking not making him put on a condom the first time and then on top of that allowing him to come inside of me. smh
He said he loved me. (not that that mattered by the way, it had no influence on me at all, i just wasn't thinking in general) I eventually replied the same. Earlier I told him he shouldn't. He said he didn't care. He'll only get his heart broken. by me. I don't want to break his heart, so I'll follow the trail ...

I feel as though I am a horrible person. I don't think i should feel that way though. I didn't ask him to fall in love with me, even though I knew he would. In a way it was inevitable.

Here Again... (12.5.11)

I have made it here again. Back at the guys apartment. In the most awkward situation yet. Never fails as soon as I step out of my comfort zone. I get thrown to the wolves. I kinda don't want to be here.. but I kinda do.. It's complicated.

He's in love with me. I knew he was, I knew he would be. How did i know? As soon as he got a taste, then as soon as he got a bite. he would want more.. he would want the whole thing.. he wouldn't want to let it go.. they never do..

I don't want that. At least I don't think i do. How long can I pretend before he get's hurt? Before i do? Fuck my life. I don't want him to be hurt.

I'm done for now...

Monday, December 5, 2011


I feel so sick.

My body is slowly but surely giving out on me due to the lack of sleep.

It keeps on failing and there isn't much I can do to stop it.

 I guess I'll have to fight or die...

I can't wait until this is all over.


I'm at work now. And I should be working... right?
But I hadn't posted in such a long time, so I'm doing it now.

This weekend was eventful.

My cousin visited. It was a near disaster. I mean, I got along with her alright. But she's EXTREMELY rude to the family and to random people. And her dad (my uncle) took her shopping at Forever 21 with a $50 gift ard and she lost it in the store (right before we were about to check out) and she blew up on her dad because of it. Yes I know, makes no fucking sense to me either. Anyway, we did have some fun. But for the most part like always with my family it was conflict.

I also spoke with The Guy again. Now that I've gotten over me just doing whatever with someone I barely know, I don't feel that bad. I'm human. The act wasn't terrible either. It just happened. Tis is life. So I'm dealing. And I'm fine. So we talked over the weekend. I can finally get to know him.

He's so sweet. He really likes me. I mean like really. -_- Again he wants a relationship, but I just dragged myself out of one, so I don't want to get into another one again. I really don't. But the guy is just different. We have a lot in common, I enjoy talking to him. I enjoy hanging out with him. I have to revisit the sex factor. We'll see. But I've actually known him for about a year, it was just acquaintance status, so it didn't become anything. Plus I was still dating the boyfriend at the time, so I didn't want to jeopardize that.
Anyway, I digress... basically the guy has fallen head over "boots" (?) in love with me and I don't know how to respond to that. I don't want to hurt his feelings, it's just that my feelings are like, not working/out of service currently. This has been plaguing me like all weekend.
I knew this was going to happen. I just didn't know how or when, or what I would do about it.
So I'm going to see him again today. We'll see what becomes of that.

I've also been trying to get out of my house all weekend. Due to the guest (uncle and cousin) that plan failed, miserably. And I still didn't end up getting any of my homework done. I gotta figure something out and fast or I'll fail all my classes for the semester. Sigh.

I also had a baby sit down with the mom and g-mom. G-mom jumped for joy at the news of me breaking up with the (now ex) boyfriend..  Mom is all for dating, just no babies, and she prefers that he's Jew. And G-mom says no guys with kids.. not even half kids. (lol) What do i look like to them?

Mom was upset that I didn't tell her sooner. Oh well. I liked having my secrets for once, I don't know how she dragged it out of me this time.

I didn't get to film any of this beautiful stuff, and that pisses me off. The bro had the camera. Damn I wish I had my own. Sometimes I just hate relying on other people. But I guess you gotta take what the world hands to you.

I didn't sleep last night. I was trying to get some research done for my papers. It was semi successful. I wish I was able to just write the paper out. Because I wanted to hand it in today. Sigh. We'll see. I might be able to still achieve that goal. But I guess I gotta get of Blogger first right? Yeah...

Anyway, I'm so tired it's gotten to a point were sometimes my legs just give out. I'm not sure how i'm going to make it through the day. And I've got such a long day ahead of me.

Ah well.
I'm going to try and work... and not fall asleep. I see failure in my future, at lest in this endeavor.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Morning

It's 10:06, and I'm awake. This won't last forever. It will catch up to you. I've gotten over the eeriness of that day. My actions spiraling out of control. It wasn't that ba... yes it was. I guess that makes sense for the amount of time that passed. I'm not even sure what happened. Whatever.

And now it's time to fuck up again. But it's only morning. So I have to make it through the day. I have to make it through the weekend.

What's funny is that I'm feeling really torn. He seems genuine and sincere about his feelings for me, but I also feel as if something isn't being said.
He seems infatuated, but is that bad? I don't know. There are a million and one symbols and signals that i could and should read into but I'm sensing that I'll just live and I should stop trying to analyze - at leas for now.

I'm so tired. But sleep is for the wicked. So I'm stuck.
Awake. I'll write some more later.


I feel so alone. And empty. Like I can't get a grasp on reality. Or anything within it. Its tough to describe it. And Im afraid I'll go looking to fill that void with sex. I have a feeling that I will. I know I will. I already have.
But those are the things that I can't prevent. It's bound to happen.

I feel like I have a sexual deficiency. Like I am ... I don't know. Manipulating myself. and manipulating others.
Why is it so important?
What happened to me in the past? I think I've locked that all away, but you can't learn from your mistakes if you don't remember them.

I have gotten in the process of destroying almost all of my relationships with people. Well at least those closest to me.
Slowly but surely  eventually only a ghost of me will remain. As I decapitate. Slowly killing myself. Empty my vase and filling it with nothing. Filled to the brim with nothing at all.

I can't help but write cryptic. I don't know how to express myself in 'layman' terms. My philosophy is that layman terms don't really exist. People just prefer to pretend that they don't understand so that they don't have to confront the reality that stares them down on a daily basis, with eyes as black as the coal in hell. People dumb down what they say so that they don't have to really say it.

You know what I mean. You understand what I am saying. You can see past my utter vagueness into the truth clear as day.

My words are the only place where I still hold power. My voice doesn't exist anymore. So I write. It's the only way I can think. The only way I can understand. And I want others to understand too, how much they are all killing me.

I am not guilty alone.

I am not guilty at all.

I did not create this ghost shell that my soul resides in. It is only my temporary residence until I find a way out.

 So both you and I are unaware of what lay inside.


I can't sleep

This is the hour. Of the no sleep. My family insist on trying to lecture me about not getting sleep. But it's not going to change anything. I just can't sleep point blank. Whether I have something to do, or i just want to procrastinate.... or I'm just losing my mind. I can't tell. I'm in no condition (and neither is my life for that matter) to be able to get healthy rest and eat healthy or whatever.. Did I eat today?


Yes. I did.

I feel that a poem will soon follow. But  I can't develop it yet.

I have to see him again.
I'm engrossed by this idea.
Something bad will happen. I can feel it. But I can also tell that I don't care. And that whatever will happen I am accepting of.

I know it doesn't make sense...
I'm still cold.

I think I'll try to get some sleep now.

The Shadow of the Inevitable (12.2.11)

And on the seventh day he rested.. I have entered the moment of understanding more about myself.
There is a part of me that I've ignored, suppressed, berated. She won't stay ignored anymore.

Let's describe her.

She's empty. Like a vase. She is anything and everything. and i can feel it all. She enjoys pain, to a dangerous point. Her eyes are mine, yet her mind is not. Her thoughts are mine, yet her soul is not. She goes no other name, for she is me and i am her. We are one.

I am back to my daily figures. Like a robot. I go through the movements. Through the moments. It's all the same. So here I try to piece what is left of my interrupted monotony, like the shards of broken glass. One by One.

He text me: "...I miss you like crazy."
My best friend is worried. She doesn't trust him. And I kinda don't either. but I'm losing control so I text back: "I'll see you soon." Around him i have no control. I probably will see him again. Actually I know I will. The chances are too high. I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. I won't know until it happens.

But this is not the end....

The Eve of a New Dawn (12.1.11)

It begins now. The electronic structure of my demise these sweet words hang loose on the clothing line. In a watery rape it all makes sense if you say yes. So i said yes. and i enjoyed the uncomfortability of the humming tv. Deja Vu. i saw it previously.. playing loudly .. through my memory.
i wanted it. i really did. Didn't i? did i? i did. of course.

I didn't feel the pain until today. I didn't know there was pain until today. I ignored an moved away from the hidden words I wanted to say. I don't feel ashamed of the game that I played. I guess.

I don't know there aren't many thoughts left. I am weak. But that's ok. I am ok with that. I accept it. There is nothing wrong with understanding that you are weak. There is nothing wrong with understanding that you can  have control of that. And there is nothing wrong with not activating that control. Just be weak.
It allows the time to go faster. Then tomorrow will come and I'll do it again. maybe. We'll see. I just can't seem to stop me.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Pain

I'm feeling the pain today.
Where did it come from?
I ate today. Twice
That can't happen again.
One a day.. With a shot of twice a day. And a slip of 3 times 3 days
on top of four times a week. Inside of all night per month.
I am not real.
I go through the works. I fake my way through the truth and
 dream my way through reality.
It's all a daydream.
I am uncomfortable with how this plays out. And I don't feel like
talking about taking...
You can't take what doesn't exist.
And that's all that there is to talk about.
I still don't feel anything. I think I'm unconsciously trying to. 
I hope I fail.
He's the second guy I've had sex with.
That will change.
It's a mentality.
Slow. Slow. Go go go down slow slipping. Slowly slipping. Ok.
I don't have words anymore.
I'll just let it happen, and as it happens ill think about it then.
I messed up.
Oh well I'll try an redeem myself.
I'll try, but i don't think I care. It's like a drug.
Not caring and fallin apart. No one has to know. I don't have to
scream or shout, just whisper... Shhhh

The Metamorphosis pt. 1

I can't believe the transformation that has happened within myself.
Well not really, what I can't believe Is how little I care about the
things that were once so important to me. Like my grades and school
work for instance, I'm struggling with that. Next semester I promise i
will be better. I don't even know how to fix or change these things. I
think my biggest problem is the things I don't know. I'm just being
fucking careless and reckless now. It's taking a lot out of me to care.
Is this my downfall? The final attempt at my demise. Am I going to
destroy the foundations and philosophies that have held me up so long.
Is this my last stand at deaths door?
I wonder If by shattering evrything I do and believe in will I be a better person?
Wasn't I a good person before?
So it is possible that I just don't want to be a good person anymore?
Foolish foolish life

I pass judgment on myself and pull the switch for execution.
I failed to understand the complex disparities. Do I really want to die?
Or do I now just don't care what will happen?

Last night I had sex with a guy I met, but already kinda knew. I felt
no emotional backing. I did it unprotected and I relinquished almost
all control. Unprotected, uncaring, unfeeling, unwanting.
Why? It all seemed kinda rushed.
Now that I think about it,  it was in many aspects uncomfortable.
But the real question is would I do it again? Yes. I went home and scrubbed myself.
Do I think myself a whore? No. Not yet at least.
What am I looking for?
There is no redemption in what we ignore.
I smell a poem coming...
Finally a word for those malignant phrases I string together.
So what now?
I can try and get myself together again. Or I can let go again.
Or I can try to do both.
I'll probably do both.
and. Tattoo. Somewhere in there.
I can't wait until I go to visit Seattle. I need my love. 
She would be able to help me piece together my shit of a life. 
I just realized how far away that is. As far as my bday. 
At least I'll be able to drink.
I don't want a relationship.. But I think I want intimacy.
The guy wants me to be his girlfriend. I wonder if I'm more for friends
with benefits. But I know with my energy that would just get so complicated over time.
I don't know you.. 
Hence the extreme lack in emotion. I feel fake. 
And my vision is blurred.
Would I care if I was being used for my body?
Wouldn't be the first time, so no.

Does that make you uncomfortable?

I see I am blind... Who knew...
I can't change time.. But time can change me...
Losing my way.
Wow. It doesn't make sense.
Where is my soul?
Empathy for the paranoid.
I need depth.
How the hell can I ascertain what I need??
He has no idea what he has gotten himself into. His feelings will get hurt. 
And eventually so will mine. They hurt already I guess. Actually.
I can't feel anything.
Can nothing hurt?

It feels fake. I am fake. When did I become fake?
No its a lie. I wish.
So now what?
Do I walk the plank?
The boyfriend took the breakup much better than I expected, well no, he took it as I
expected. I responded different than I expected. 
I agreed to a platonic separation. Ok. Better than nothing.. 
Well actually its better than being in a relationship.
I once talked to The ex about running away and just disappearing into
a new life.
I think I always wanted that.
Which is why I fantasized about being kidnapped. I always wanted to
catch a break from being me. If you don't know me, I could be anyone.
I am anyone, everyone, one.

My eyes play mean tricks on me.
So does my heart and let's not even begin on my mind.
I think I'll eat today. And probably upchuck later, I think I'm ok
with that. Wow
I'm going going......... Gone
My descent into hell.
I will be who I want to be, born again fiend. Am I drunk?
It all happened so fast. I barely remember the details. 

This feels like a. Dream
Floating above. Me
Shhh. Don't tell anyone that I'm dying. They'll find out soon enough.
What just happened?

I must be dreaming...
I'm cold. I am not stable, mind body and soul. I need something
invincible for me to hold.
Now I know, that I dont know.
My emotions are reeling!
I hope I go.

A cottage house, with enough rooms. A garden and a swing. Grass trees
and sunlight. Raindrops on thursdays
I saw it.. Deja vu
Fresh air, fresh food.
Laughter. Lots and lots of laughter.
I dreamt
Sleeping silently in a coffin one will dream forever and a day. Until
that day ends.
What do we make of the unsurpassable?
Nothing, as always
Odd how things happen. How they fall down and build back up. Logic is
for those who dont feel a lack of feeling
I don't want to.
Have logic.

Infection of thoughts.
I feel like throwing up.
And running away to the grass... it doesn't have to be greener. 
Just green enough for me to pretend that it is.
But if course that's not appealing.
Back to the drawing board. I guess.. this Is tough.
I'm so tired.
Shhhh.. Don't tell.