Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Carousel turns...

So it's been a while. as always. And I'm back to square one.. depression.
Christmas was a bust. I didn't get any presents, I didn't expect any, I didn't want any, I didn't give any.

I called the father. He didn't answer. My sister made a mistake of calling me back, and so our conversation didn't last long.

I cried later.

Maybe he's in Canada.

But that doesn't matter. This is in lieu of a video diary, so I have to be blunt.

What matters is that I'm caring again, about not caring.

It's been such a tangled mess.
I can't even begin to put everything into perspective. It's a little bit overwhelming, everything.

My relationship with my family is walking a tight rope. I wake up faking. I go to sleep faking.

My friends are getting closer and farther all the same. I do love them though. If only they could understand.

My best friend, my love, V ... has been an amazing light in my vast sea of darkness.. what would I do without her.. oh, I know.. I'd die.

I have almost alienated myself from myself. I'm searching for her, hopefully she'll pop up.

It's incredibly late, i'm confused, tired, upset, and reeling at things that I can't understand or make sense of at the moment. To top it off i have to work later. and L is planning on having a coffee with me before work. We'll see how that plays out.

Things happen and people come and go, friends stay and know, but enemies last forever.. I love you all though

Where everything that has happened or will happen has gotten me (parable speak I know, but deal...) to a point of destruction.

You have to tear something apart before you can grow/build anything.

But im not dying. I'm living. and It's terrible. and hard. and most don't understand the gravity that doesn't exist inside of me. I am not grounded but my soul floats among this world that I think I live in.

So I'm alive but I'm not living. and It's terrible. and hard. and most understand but don't know they do and wish they didn't so that they could blame for being who I am and for them being themselves. It's ok, if you would like to move on without a breathe, I'll open your lungs for you... you'll never know I was there.

So this post is turning out to be incredibly long. I tried to stay away from that, obviously I failed. If anyone reads this (meaning no one) than just know, not all my post will be this long hence forth.

It's only because I like spaces and ellipses' and one liners and it's 4 am in the morning. and I don't want to stop writing because I don't want to go to sleep suffocated by thoughts. I'll be a bitch tomorrow (later) even though I've been a bitch already. It's ok. I've never been a bitch in my life, so this is good for me to try out.

(more spaces) I'm cold. and there was something else I was going to say but it's gone now. shit..

ahh, my mom said I shouldn't curse so much. L says the same thing. He thinks im a potty mouth. Am i?

Whatever, fuck it. (< how's that for potty mouth... yes, it can get worse)

and the Carousel turns.....

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