It's late. And I am thinking about him.
What's odd is that I don't feel like I'm in love.
It just might be that don't know what love really is. I find that a very likely possibility, because every time I thought I was in love I ended up being wrong. Completely.
So what does that say about now, when I don't think I'm in love? Am I still wrong completely?
I feel like with time.. more concrete feelings will develop. I just have to get over this hump in my life.
I've decided that I need to get away for a while. Just go.
I looked at a map and Vermont seemed cool. So we'll see how I plan on affording that. I wish I had a car, so I could just ride up there and sleep in my backseat in the middle of the Green Mountain National Park.
They'd call me a squatter and kick me out. But I'd crawl back in on my hands and knees begging to feel the trees.
Unfortunately I don't have any of those luxuries including the crawling amongst the dirty leaves. SO I have to figure out other ways to do this and not go DEAD BROKE.
At this moment I am avoiding doing my like 10 essays. but i better get them done or I'll fail this semester and no matter what I can't have that. I can accept a B and maybe if I'm feeling like shit a C, but I can NEVER accept an F.. so I gotta get this shit in.
I wish I could just force my mind to let the thoughts flow into words on paper. I can discuss so well all my topics in my mind, but as soon as I sit at the computer to type it all out, I end up here... avoiding it again.
But I digress, again as for the guy (lover).. ( I really can't consider him my boyfriend no matter how much he wants me to.. he hasn't reached that level yet, and I just can't feel it. so I told him no titles. we'll just be. Now he's dead set in love with me.) .. I can see myself growing with him. (but is that what i want?) (I don't know what I want)
Maybe I am still a means to an end.. and not the end.. do I want to be the end?
I still don't know what I want.
I wish I could type my essay's with this much ease. Despite the tangents.
Rather including the tangents, because that's what makes it so easy. I can let my mind...flow. That's impossible with my school work.
Anyway, he really likes me and I like him. But i'm still at a stand still as for how I really feel. Let's just hope something happens.