Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Metamorphosis pt. 1

I can't believe the transformation that has happened within myself.
Well not really, what I can't believe Is how little I care about the
things that were once so important to me. Like my grades and school
work for instance, I'm struggling with that. Next semester I promise i
will be better. I don't even know how to fix or change these things. I
think my biggest problem is the things I don't know. I'm just being
fucking careless and reckless now. It's taking a lot out of me to care.
Is this my downfall? The final attempt at my demise. Am I going to
destroy the foundations and philosophies that have held me up so long.
Is this my last stand at deaths door?
I wonder If by shattering evrything I do and believe in will I be a better person?
Wasn't I a good person before?
So it is possible that I just don't want to be a good person anymore?
Foolish foolish life

I pass judgment on myself and pull the switch for execution.
I failed to understand the complex disparities. Do I really want to die?
Or do I now just don't care what will happen?

Last night I had sex with a guy I met, but already kinda knew. I felt
no emotional backing. I did it unprotected and I relinquished almost
all control. Unprotected, uncaring, unfeeling, unwanting.
Why? It all seemed kinda rushed.
Now that I think about it,  it was in many aspects uncomfortable.
But the real question is would I do it again? Yes. I went home and scrubbed myself.
Do I think myself a whore? No. Not yet at least.
What am I looking for?
There is no redemption in what we ignore.
I smell a poem coming...
Finally a word for those malignant phrases I string together.
So what now?
I can try and get myself together again. Or I can let go again.
Or I can try to do both.
I'll probably do both.
and. Tattoo. Somewhere in there.
I can't wait until I go to visit Seattle. I need my love. 
She would be able to help me piece together my shit of a life. 
I just realized how far away that is. As far as my bday. 
At least I'll be able to drink.
I don't want a relationship.. But I think I want intimacy.
The guy wants me to be his girlfriend. I wonder if I'm more for friends
with benefits. But I know with my energy that would just get so complicated over time.
I don't know you.. 
Hence the extreme lack in emotion. I feel fake. 
And my vision is blurred.
Would I care if I was being used for my body?
Wouldn't be the first time, so no.

Does that make you uncomfortable?

I see I am blind... Who knew...
I can't change time.. But time can change me...
Losing my way.
Wow. It doesn't make sense.
Where is my soul?
Empathy for the paranoid.
I need depth.
How the hell can I ascertain what I need??
He has no idea what he has gotten himself into. His feelings will get hurt. 
And eventually so will mine. They hurt already I guess. Actually.
I can't feel anything.
Can nothing hurt?

It feels fake. I am fake. When did I become fake?
No its a lie. I wish.
So now what?
Do I walk the plank?
The boyfriend took the breakup much better than I expected, well no, he took it as I
expected. I responded different than I expected. 
I agreed to a platonic separation. Ok. Better than nothing.. 
Well actually its better than being in a relationship.
I once talked to The ex about running away and just disappearing into
a new life.
I think I always wanted that.
Which is why I fantasized about being kidnapped. I always wanted to
catch a break from being me. If you don't know me, I could be anyone.
I am anyone, everyone, one.

My eyes play mean tricks on me.
So does my heart and let's not even begin on my mind.
I think I'll eat today. And probably upchuck later, I think I'm ok
with that. Wow
I'm going going......... Gone
My descent into hell.
I will be who I want to be, born again fiend. Am I drunk?
It all happened so fast. I barely remember the details. 

This feels like a. Dream
Floating above. Me
Shhh. Don't tell anyone that I'm dying. They'll find out soon enough.
What just happened?

I must be dreaming...
I'm cold. I am not stable, mind body and soul. I need something
invincible for me to hold.
Now I know, that I dont know.
My emotions are reeling!
I hope I go.

A cottage house, with enough rooms. A garden and a swing. Grass trees
and sunlight. Raindrops on thursdays
I saw it.. Deja vu
Fresh air, fresh food.
Laughter. Lots and lots of laughter.
I dreamt
Sleeping silently in a coffin one will dream forever and a day. Until
that day ends.
What do we make of the unsurpassable?
Nothing, as always
Odd how things happen. How they fall down and build back up. Logic is
for those who dont feel a lack of feeling
I don't want to.
Have logic.

Infection of thoughts.
I feel like throwing up.
And running away to the grass... it doesn't have to be greener. 
Just green enough for me to pretend that it is.
But if course that's not appealing.
Back to the drawing board. I guess.. this Is tough.
I'm so tired.
Shhhh.. Don't tell.

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