Monday, December 17, 2012

The next day...

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. After spilling my feelings and crying, crying, crying.. I just feel done. It's terrible. I still don't know what to do.

A letter to happiness.

Dear S.

I just thought u should now. I really like you. I really do. And it's dangerous and bad because i can't ever be with u. Because i could never hurt L and u could never hurt misty*. But i feel so happy every time you're with me. So incredibly happy, words couldn't explain. And for that i must thank you, you've kept me sane. But sometimes i wish u didn't make me so happy, because then i could continue lying to myself about how when im with L, i truly felt. I could continue believing that was happiness. That it was a meant to be. I didnt know what i was missing until you gave it to me. And now im stuck. In a type of limbo that leaves me feeling so empty, confused. It's seems like no matter what I do, ill always lose. These past few weeks, that we've spent together has been almost like a dream, and now i have to wake to reality and its just not the same. I wish i knew what to say or what to do. But i don't. I feel awful. Because when im with him, im wishing i were with you. The reason i said sorry is because im sorry that i didn't give you a chance. Im sorry i was stupid and im sorry i left things to happenstance. Because now it's too late. I don't know what lay ahead of me in the future, because now i'll never be the same. I'll always be taunted by this vivid feeling i have for you, this thing i can't explain.

*name changed to protect identity, but to keep rhyme-scheme.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

What I really want.

My friend was over again last night. Let's call him S. He spends most of his time by my house when he's not working.
He said the most amazing thing to me. I was resting on his chest and we were talking, about all sorts of things... his family, high school, random stuff that I can't even remember because I was so exhausted. and he said (while playing with my hair) "You are the most gorgeous, amazing creature ever. I have to use creature because no other word can really suite you. You're so beyond that."
He also said, " You should always feel, and be treated special, because you deserve that and so much more."
and
"You are the only person I know who's outside perfectly matches their inside."
I was blushing the entire time.

He was being so affectionate and honest. I've never felt that, or had that before. I didn't know what to do with it. I wanted to bottle that moment and keep it forever. I've never felt that relaxed and comfortable, content. I still don't know what to do with that moment except remember it. In a world where my flaws are all that's deemed important, I found a moment where I had none.. it was interesting to say the least. That's what I want. That's what I deserve.
That type of .... i don't know what to call it.

What would you call it?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I've got job offers

I've got a job offer, and another, and another.

I have a choice now.

But really the most important choice stems from the most recent job offer i had. Today, just a mere hour ago. To teach computers to kids.
Now, the actual job offer isn't anything big, it's what it could mean.
The job is at a school in Manhattan.
L lives and works in Manhattan.
The job isn't very far from him.
I could decide to take this job and move to manhattan, try to work it out with L. Try to have a family.
Or i could continue on the path im on now.
Stay in Brooklyn.
Have semi-scheduled visits. A disjunct family...

I've got job offers, and now I have a choice...

Another guy?

Now, i ask myself. Is it wrong for me to teeter on the verge of a serious romantic relationship with my best guy friend??
He's so damn supportive, and he's always there.
It's terrible and awesome at the same time.
I feel horrible.
Because technically i was cheating.
Emotionally is a form of cheating too.

It's so percise but important.
Emotional support is so important in a commited relationship. I barely got that with L.
Now, by no means am i looking to get into another real "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship. NO.
Not now, not ever maybe.
I think i'll just get married one day. Or stay single forever.
But that emotional support is so important.
Im so conflicted.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

As things fall apart

As we dawned on our 1 year anniversary it seems that L and i are all but completely over. Im not sure if we fell out of love, because im not even sure we were really in love in the first place. Furthermore, im not sure if either of us know what it is to love someone that way OR how...
We still have Olivia and she's important. And im not one of those women who will keep bitterness in her heart towards her childs father. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have her... So im grateful, and always will be.
I also don't want him to think that im keeping away from her because she primarily lives with me. He'll have her for the weekend. And he can see her whenever he wants, he can take her for visits and whatnot. He'll be legally required to pay child support, but i never had a stich of doubt that he would support either way.
I'll always love him (the only way I know how) and i'll always be there for him, if he ever needs me, no matter what.
But our relationship is bust.
I've grieved over this for weeks, so im more numb than anything else. I'll probably still cry over it though. Just not yet.
Thankfully/hopefully, other logistic things in my life are looking up so i should be on my own in no time.
Maybe then i can form a better cordial bond with L.
For know, i'll have to observe this mess, as things fall apart.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Moment of thought

I was having a moment of thought... And I didn't want to write anything. But what a better time to write than when you're in deep thought.

Well something really good must be on the verge of happening because I feel like Im at my wits end. Everyone is or has been pissing me off one way or another. I want control over my life back. I need my space. Became people feel like Im obligated to them for whatever reason but thy cannot obligate themselves to me. I'm so tired of everything. Of being hurt and hurting in return. No fun.

Im hoping above all hope that good news ensues this week. And it'll only be uphill from here. Or at least not down hill. I can handle a plateau.

I'm tired but I can't sleep. Again. Being stressed is exhausting. Especially with a child. Because I can't be stressed around her, or exhausted. That's no good for her.

I'd really like to move out on my own. I'd have such peace of mind. I wouldn't be so depressed. I'd be better off. Every other option is too stressful.

I realize I don't like living with people. After living in shelter after shelter all my life I just can't do it anymore. People annoy me beyond no end no. I don't have any more nerves for them to get on ... So Im just lashing out. But at least Im finally getting to speak my mind. Let others know what's really going on.

Just a thought.  

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

My soul

My soul aches. At the pain i feel. For the love I don't feel.
It's deep this pain. And liquid like blood. Pouring out of my orfices. Pulsing like tears. Heavy. Rough.
It hurts. It's a pain stitches cannot touch.
Reality hurts. Realization hurts. People hurt.
I don't like being hurt. But here I am again.
A foolish being. I was led into the pain. Hand held into the pain. Welcomed into the pain. It was my home, my happiness for only but a moment. Until I realized where I was and the cloudless walls came crashing down.
What a shame. I feel such internal shame.
Failure. Pain. They're so heavy.
Does one ever heal from this?
Am i meant for peace and happiness.
My life is filled with such pain.
It's so hard to keep myself together.
I just want to crawl up in a ball. I want to disappear.
But i have a daughter. Can't i just disappear with her?
I always feel so lonely.
Why?
Why does everyone insist on hurting me?
Im overdue for a break.
Im overdue for someone to understand. To care. To stop and think.. maybe she has a heart too. Maybe she's only human. Maybe she crys herself to sleep. Maybe, just maybe i'd be wrong for hurting her so..
Why does everyone hurt me so??

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Friends...

So most recently, I have been assessing my life and my situation. On this paricular day I thought about my friends. After much thought, i came to the depressing realization that I only have one. Really.. well maybe 3.. but really 1.
Now I'll put this into a little perspective, I did not mix "aquaintences" with "friends", there is a big difference between the two.
I wanted to get down to the bottom of why I have been feeling so immensely lonely and thats because I don't have friends.
I have many aquaintences.. but they are not obligated to be my friends, so in fact they end up not being so...
So.... I end up lonely. Lack of company. Lack of conversation.
I feel like it's just me and Olivia, and she's my newborn daughter so it doesn't really count.                                                       
I should be able to say that my boyfriend is my friend, but there's been so much tension between us  these past few months because we're apart, that we've lost that.
Currently my best friend is on the other side of the country. She's all I've got. But I still feel alone. I hate this feeling.

I decided to take a break from Facebook because I find myself feeling more and more alone. But at the same time wanting to be around people less and less.

DEPRESSION.

It's a disease.
It's a battle.
It's a war.
..
...
....
And i'm losing.

terribly...

I feel like crying.
Sigh.
I have to wake up early tomorrow.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

She's 2 months now...

It feels like things are falling apart around me.
Is this post-pardum depression??

I love my daughter. More than words can express. She is the joy and wonder of my life. In fact I write this currently as she lay on my chest. She likes to be close to mommy. I like being close to baby. So it's a win win situation.
Her father insist that I'm gonna spoil her, but all other research says otherwise.

She's also now 7.5 lbs! A big girl! I'm so proud of her, she can fit some of her newborn clothes now. Kinda. She's getting there. All I know is that she no longer fitst he premie stuff. I wish I had more money to get her more stuff.

I'm broke. I hate it. But that's not all that's gone to shits.

L and I are falling apart.
And although that should be expected considering how fast everything happened. I didn't think it was in the cards for us. I thought we were better than that. But I've come to the realization that he just can't love me the way that I need him to.

I need affection. I need strength. I need to get out of this physical and mental struggle. He's got his own mess that he's struggling to handle. But in all actuality I'm not sure if he's handling anything at all.
At least I'm getting therapy. I have no idea what he's doing.

But I feel like we're drifting apart. We don't talk like we used to. I'm finding it harder and harder to communicate with him. And I feel like he's beginning to lie to me.
Well he like to put it as "failing to mention". Ok, sure. Whatever, either way, I was unaware of something I should've been.

I feel lonely. And like crap. I feel like hiding under  a rock and staying there.

On top of all this lovely sundae. My mom's energy is growing more and more ominous. I can tell she's still harboring animosity about me having Olivia. Especially since we're so broke and in such a tight situation. And she's sick, but she has to work, because I'm on maternity leave.

I wish I didn't need her help. I'd rather do it all on my own.

I feel like running away.

It's all falling apart.

It's been a month...

And boy have things changed, but the reality of the matter is that I have a daughter in my life now. Point blank. Now it's not about me, but her...
But that doesn't mean Im gone...
I'm still here and it's been a struggle dealing with things surrounding that.
In this months time I've realized a lot of things about my life
I don't have as many close friends as I thought I did
My father is a jerk
I still struggle with depression...

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Surprise!! She's Arrived!!

Ok, so I know I'm like hella late, but good news........... [insert drum roll]

SHE'S HERE!! Olivia Willow Leiva
My beautiful sweetness entered this world on August 15, 2012 at approximately 8:04 am.
The most gorgeous thing I've ever laid my eyes on, I swear.

Now I bet you're wondering "What the hell happened??!!" Well it's quite complicated. I actually started writing several post during the midst of all the commotion but before I knew it I was being swopped into the hospital so they never got posted.

It was the afternoon of my 37th week that I found out that I had to be induced because the test came back and she wasn't growing. They also found that her blood flow was selectively going to her brain, which is normally a signal that something is wrong. So the doctors advised I go back home, get my stuff together and return to the hospital that night to have the baby. Unfortunately as soon as I got home (about an hour later) I received a message from my midwife stating that after she looked at the results I should've been immediately admitted to the hospital.
Of course I was devastated because not only did that mean that I was no longer going to be able to have my water birth, I was going to give birth in a hospital, under super stress levels. Definitely not what I wanted my daughter to come into the world to.
However, I knew that I had to do as they said because they were the only ones who could legitimately tell if something had cause to worry about. So I rushed through the house like a tornado on Red Bull and packed my bag (which I hadn't even thought about until this point) and got myself together.
Thankfully my boyfriend was with me the entire time. I couldn't have done ANYTHING without him.
We made it to the hospital at 7pm. I got registered then hooked up to the monitor. At first they were concerned about her heart rate, but within minutes she improved so they decided that they would induce me with Pitocin.
I was moved to another room and told to get settled. I had to mentally prepare myself for labor because deep down in my heart I wasn't ready, but I wanted to make sure she was ok, have her in my arms and begin the life long journey that these 9 months had set me on a path towards.
They broke my water, and set me up on the pitocin drops. Within minutes of starting the pitocin I began to have contractions 2 minutes apart. They only felt like slightly more forceful menstrual cramps so I felt confident that I could take them on. Every half an hour my midwife came in to check on my dilation, I was getting there, but not very fast.
Within no time the pain became almost unbearable, but I knew it was only the beginning so I didn't complain, just held onto anything nearby with each contraction. After some time my midwife came in with a concerned look on her face. It seemed as if I wasn't getting far in dilation and Olivia was having a hard time with the labor. There didn't seem to be enough amniotic fluid in the womb so she was getting squished with each contraction, and even though she was a trouper, she may not be able to hold on for much longer. My midwife explained to me that I was tensing up with the contractions so I wasn't making much progress. And both Oli and I had reached a point where we were tiring out, so I wasn't breathing with the contractions and Olivia moved back up after each of them. She advised that I try and epidural to take some of the pressure off and to allow the contractions to do their job.
Although I had promised myself that I would go au natural with no drugs I listend to all the advise and decided that it might be best that way. They told me that I would still be able to push and I'd be able to feel it, just without as much pain. By that point my entire body was shaking constantly and the contractions were wrecking havoc on me. All I wanted to do was push her out. I wanted her in my arms already, and I figured if they're telling me so, then maybe just maybe the epidural will get me to that point faster.
Unfortunately I was right and wrong. She did come out faster, but she wasn't in my arms and she didn't come out the way I wanted her to.
After the epidural Olivia's heart rate decreased to a scary rate, so they had to take me off the pitocin. Unfortunately my body wasn't very good at labor so I went from contractions every 2 minutes to ones every 10. To top it off I went from 5 almost 6 centimeters to 4 centimeters. It was no bueno. I was frustrated, tired, and so so scared. Again, if it wasn't for L I wouldn't have gotten through it.
After a close encounter with her heart rate dropping to an all time low. I decided to ask if I could push or what were my other options. My doctor came in and after checking how far dilated I was, and looking at Olivia's heart rate, told me that I would need to have an emergency Cesarean section.
This was like an atomic bomb for me, because it was on my forbidden list. I absolutely did not want a c section. But the situation was looking dire, and my daughter's health and safety meant more to me than my preferences. So between tears and a numb, shaking body, I agreed and was swopped away into the operating room within 10 minutes.
I was so scared. 1, because I couldn't feel anything (at all) and 2, because I didn't know if she'd make it or not. All I wanted was to hear her cry... and when I did it was the most beautiful thing ever. She was born 3 pounds 13 ounces. A tiny little thing, with a cry that sounded like a quack. I'll never forget that moment.
Again, unfortunately she got swopped away from me straight into the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) I didn't get to hold her. I didn't get to see her except for a glimpse. I didn't get to feed her.
I felt as if I did nothing.
I was blessed and ever so grateful that she was ok and from the immediate readings healthy, but THe experience was nothing like I imaged, hoped for or even asked for. I was heartbroken.
Yet, within moments I was drugged up some more and sent to recuperate. Which was more painful than I could've ever thought.
Those stapels were hell, I couldn't breathe right, eat right, sleep right, laugh, cry, pee right. The whole nine yards. I don't think I could've ever imagined that type of pain. It was ridiculous.
So extremely long story short. After spending a week in the hospital I was able to take her home with me.
It's been 3 weeks and my life has changed drastically. I love her to pieces. And my love grows each and every day. She's absolutely amazing. I still can't believe I'm a mother and I have a daughter. It is truly an amazing feeling.

Let's hope that things will only get better from here on out.  

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Not enough time

We're 37 weeks today. Under normal and possibly average circumstance this would be great, awesome feat. Full term, only 3 more weeks to go. Seems like perfect time right? But for me.. eh. Complications have risen. After a normal visit to see my midwife they found the baby was too small. After a non stress test and a sonogram it was confirmed that she's in the lower third precentile. She's only 4 lbs. At first I was confused. I felt like three weeks is enough time to make it to 6 lbs, and 6 lbs was a good size. I was 6 lbs and so was my little brother. I felt that it was normal. But the doctor was still concerned. She did more test and found some oddity in the cord blood pulse. "Elevated levels" (i have no idea what that truly means, but it sounds intimidating...) So now, they're looking to deliver next week.
I no longer have enough time.
Im scared and upset and worried.
I promised myself and her that wouldn't bring her home to this medial ass apartment we now reside in. I'd have a earth shattering coniption if i found mouse poop on her belongings.
Im not prepared.
We have virtually nothing for her. I hope this baby shower turns out to be lucrative, i don't even have the basics.
Im freaking out.
I don't know how to deal with it.
I feel so alone.
It's like everyone in my life finds this news passable. Ok.
I find it unacceptable. Definitely not ok.
What the hell is wrong with my womb that she's safer outside of it?? That's what it feels like the doctor is telling me. I know she doesn't want me to break down in a waterfall of tears so she had to have been putting it lightly.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Next Steps

I'm now 36 weeks pregnant! Almost there 4 weeks to go. I'm excited and scared and all sorts of mumbo jumbo feelings. It's crazy that in no time (25 days) i'll get to meet this little creation of L and i. I can't wait, but at the same time I wish I had more time. I'm not ready, in so many ways. Most importantly financially. I really do wish we haed our own place. Dealing with family is so stressful and complicated. :?

Monday, August 6, 2012

Frustration

I feel like exploding. It's tough to put it into words. Im just so frustrated. I don't feel comfortable, and it's frustrating. I feel nomadic, during a time when I should be nesting. Sleep comes hard, with nightmares and peeing leading the way to a restless night. Not to mention the variety of uncomfortable venues I have available for me to sleep in. I'm stressed and it's wearing me thin. And all I know how to do is pretend. Pretend like everything is ok, and I'm strong enough... Even though it feels like I'm no where near strong enough. But of course I can't afford to be weak now... I watch the sun rise on a short lived night of pretending to sleep. In my dream my body was brusied and beaten, must've been from a physical manifestation of the emotional toll my body is taking. Something that's becoming harder and harder to hide. I wish I had a mommy. Don't get me wrong, I have a mother, who is, in her own way "supportive". But her "support" can be just as destructive as a hurrican wind. It's confusing and comes with a price. I cry silently as time flies by, I've been up since 5. I see a terse day ahead of me. But I have no known solution for it. I guess I'll just continue pretending... I hate it, but it's the only way I know how to cope.
I realized, I don't know what I'm doing. And what I need to do, isn't something that can be easily learned on your own. It takes guidance. I feel as if I have none. Yes, there are people in my life. There is support. But there is no guidance.
There is a big difference between the two.
I feel as though all I have are judgements and unempathetic head nodding. "I understand but I don't know"s. And "I will cast upon you my miscontrewed opinion of what I believe you should do or think"s. Most of comes across as condeming, so I feel I'm better off pretending. It hurts much less in the midst of the moment. But of course I can't pretend forever, I'm running out of time. And I hate pretending anyway, it requires too much energy.
It's all a lie, and I hate lying. But I don't know any other way to confront everything. I feel so alone. I know I'm not. I still have the ability to think realistically and sensically, doesn't mean my emotions are logical. That plus the hormones, just make me feel like a wreck. I feel terrible. And weak. I wish I could explain it better.
Will I ever be able to sleep again?
My brain is a destructive pathway filled with way too much subconcious.
You know, I feel like it would be rude to say "I'm not ok..." When someone asked me, how I was doing.
Now when my pretending skills have worn away I just remark that I'm tired. And people always assume it's just pregnancy when in reality it's life. Life is tiring me out. Emotions are striping me weak. And again not pregnancy, not hormones. Real, justifiable, uncontrollable, surpressed emotions.
So no, I'm not ok... Just tired.
At this rate I will have lost a total of 4 and a half hours of sleep.
I'm gonna regret that by the time I step into work.
I don't really feel like going in, but I have no where else I feel like going. Plus I desperatly need the money, even though it'll disappear faster than a shooting star.
I don't know, maybe I'll try to squeeze in an hour... I don't want to face the day.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Back on Track

So in the good news arena, I'm finally back on track!

  • I finished my film!
  • My boyfriend got a new job!
  • And we're on our way to getting more baby stuff!
I'm really excited about everything. There's still a lot to worry about but I have a really good feeling that it'll all work out. 


Monday, July 2, 2012

The Worries

I seem to have that case of the worries. Problem is my worries are large and severely justified. It's quite a dilemma. Not only do I have those regular worries that are problematic for mommy-to-be's, but I have these major-real life-hard to fix-what the hell am i going to do worries that leave me in a depressed stupor.
I'm now 8 months 1 month away gestation, but techincally 2 months away birth. :o no matter how you look at it though, i'm still running out of time. And quickly at that.

  1. I have no nursery.
  2. I don't really have a place at all. (I didn't want to be moving after Olivia's birth and the apartment we're in now is severely inadequate)
  3. My boyfriend just lost his job. 
  4. Mine isn't cutting it on it's own.
  5. Actually even before that, both our jobs wasn't cutting it...
  6. We have little to nothing for Olivia
  7. No crib, not even a pack n play, not much going on in the clothes dept, and nowhere-near enough diapers. Like i said we don't have a nursery, and nothing that supposed to go in it.

Im at a loss for what to do. This is a hurdle that is looking hard to pass. :/
These worries along with whether or not i'll survive an all natural birth are killing me. All i can say simply is "I don't know"
I don't even think I can muster up a positive thought process.
I don't think I have anymore: " I can do this." And "We'll figure it out."s. They're just no longer there. Metaphors are wanning in there ability to positively effect reality. I feel like crap, my boyfriend feels like crap, but at least the baby is happily excited to come out when her time is near. So excited in fact, that I'm worried she won't give me those full two months that I so awfully need. And she's so tiny. I always worry.
Worry, worry, worry. Those darn worries. They make me miserable, but what makes it worse is they're truth. Or rather their lacking in an answer to their enigmatic question.
I guess all I really have left is hope and trust in myself and my boyfriend that we'll pull through. Somehow someway. I must stop putting negative thoughts out there even if I don't have positive one's to replace them. Something's gotta give, because something always does.

Monday, June 25, 2012

>.< gone too long

Ok, so I know I haven't posted in like FOREVER...
And SOOOO much has happened. I can't even wrap my head around everything.

However, I did just want to hop back on the band wagon since I don't have much time currently but I do still want to reach out and say helloooooo *echo* :D

I have continued to write during my crazy hiatus, so one day I'll post the lost post that way the things I talk about from now on won't be so random.

In the mean time, as of today:

We have named the baby:

Olivia Willow Leiva


(*and yes, her initials are OWL* I think it's the THE MOST ADORABLE NAME EVER.. shouts outs to my wonderful mommy for putting it together)

I'm about to be 30 weeks!! Almost 8 months!! It's exciting.

I'm still not ready. My boyfriend and I are trying to move in together.. and with all the surrounding stress and instability it's tough.. really tough.

For the most part, I've got TONS of support. Some have dropped off, while others have turned a new leaf, either way Olivia's coming and I just can't wait :3

I'll be posting more soon, and again I'll add the writings that I have from like the FOREVER period I was away.

Till then!! <3

Monday, April 30, 2012

IT'S A GIRL!

The most exciting day of my life.. yet. I can't wait until she's born. My beautiful baby girl!!


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Hurt

This is an old post that for some reason did not post. Its deep, and hurtful, and I remember the pain. It just really makes me think. What is love?

You get used to the pain, used to the hurt. Who knows... It's really tough loving someone, who doesn't love you back.
Does he know? How much it hurts? One second your holding me tight, caressing me with your warmth and the next the energy your producing is pushing me away farther than your body can actually go. Youre so far away.. farther than an earshot, farther than an eye's gleam. Youre so close.. yet so far away. Does he know? How much it hurts? But you get used to it.. the pain. The hurt. You realize that you can't love someone who doesn't love you back.
Is that all im worth? Sex? Because you can't have sex with me you can't be around me?
Does he know?? How much that hurts??
How deep it cuts?
In a world that sees me as a gem, you make me feel like a slut...
You shouldn't love someone.. who doesn't love you back.
Words are NOTHING compared to actions.
Because actions speak louder than words.
They stab louder than hurt.
They're pain can leave scars that never heal.
Youre silence is so loud it hurts.
Eating up my self worth.
Does he know??
You can say a lot by saying nothing at all, and i've just gotten used to it. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.
Does he understand??
Do you get what your actions mean? How much they demean? My body. My. Body. is your symbiote. Is your carnage.
I am nothing. I. Am. Nothing. I mean nothing. I. Am. My body.
My body is not my own. And if it's unavailable to you, i am worthless.
How much that hurts...
Sucking up my self worth
Like damp blood in an empty coffin.
I thought.. maybe just maybe, you'd care about how i feel.
Im worried and scared and confused. And i just want you to be there. To care.
But you want my body. My. Body.
Without that i get no concern, no love. You can't even look me in the eye!
How much it hurts, but i still smile.
It may take a while but i can't love someone who doesn't love me back.
You don't want to be around me.. you don't want me.. im sure you don't like me.. you sure as hell don't love me, you love My. Body. The beginning and end of infinity.
I try to explain to express, i seek your caress with the tenderest of finesse. But with my body gone i no longer exist.
How does it hurt.
But you can't love someone who steals your worth..

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

20 Weeks!!!


 Your pregnancy: 20 weeks!



See the bigger picture.
How your baby's growing:
Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana. (For the first 20 weeks, when a baby's legs are curled up against his torso and hard to measure, measurements are taken from the top of his head to his bottom — the "crown to rump" measurement. After 20 weeks, he's measured from head to toe.)

He's swallowing more these days, which is good practice for his digestive system. He's also producing meconium, a black, sticky by-product of digestion. This gooey substance will accumulate in his bowels, and you'll see it in his first soiled diaper (some babies pass meconium in the womb or during delivery).

See what your baby looks like this week. (Or see what fraternal twins look like in the womb this week.)

Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development.

How your life's changing:

Congratulations! You've hit the halfway mark in your pregnancy. The top of your uterus is about level with your belly button, and you've likely gained around 10 pounds. Expect to gain another pound or so each week from now on. (If you started your pregnancy underweight, you may need to gain a bit more; if you were overweight, perhaps a bit less.) Make sure you're getting enough iron, a mineral that's used primarily to make hemoglobin (the part of your red blood cells that carries oxygen).

During pregnancy, your body needs more iron to keep up with your expanding blood volume, as well as for your growing baby and the placenta. Red meat is one of the best sources of iron for pregnant women. Poultry (especially the dark meat) also contains iron. Some common non-meat sources of iron include legumes, soy-based products, spinach, prune juice, raisins, and iron-fortified cereals.


If you haven't already signed up for a childbirth education class, you may want to look into one, especially if you're a first-timer. A structured class will help prepare you and your partner for the rigors of labor and delivery. Most hospitals and birth centers offer classes, either as weekly meetings or as a single intensive, one-day session. Many communities have independent instructors as well. Ask your friends, family members, or caregiver for recommendations.

 Surprising Facts: Getting a good night's rest

It may become more difficult to sleep through the night as your pregnancy progresses, thanks to some obvious and not-so-obvious changes taking place in your body. You may be surprised to find that: 

You start snoring for the first time in your life, thanks in part to more estrogen, which contributes to swelling of the mucous membranes that line the nose and may even cause you to make more mucus. 
What to do: Sleep on your side and elevate your head slightly. 
Heartburn and indigestion can make it extra uncomfortable to lie down in bed.
What to do: Avoid foods that trigger your heartburn, give yourself two to three hours to digest a meal before going to bed, and try sleeping semi-upright in a comfy recliner or propped up with extra pillows under your upper body. 
Leg cramps jar you out of a deep sleep. 
What to do: Ease the cramp by straightening your leg, heel first and gently flexing your toes back toward your shins, or walk around for a few minutes.
You toss and turn all night trying to find a comfortable sleeping position. 
What to do: Lie on your side with your knees bent and a pillow between your legs. For extra comfort and support, arrange other pillows under your belly and behind your back. Or try using a contoured maternity body pillow.
You become hot and sweaty in the middle of the night. It's common for pregnant women to feel a little warmer than usual thanks to shifts in your metabolism, hormones, and weight. 
What to do: Keep your bedroom cool and strip down to the bare essentials. Keep slippers and a snuggly bathrobe handy for those nighttime trips to the bathroom.
Getting out of bed is harder than ever! 
What to do: Roll over onto your side so you're facing the edge of the bed. Dangle your legs over the side and use your arms to push yourself into a sitting position. Plant your feet squarely on the floor and then stand up.
Wear sleepwear made of a natural, breathable fiber like cotton. Avoid synthetics, which trap moisture next to your skin and can leave you damp and chilled.

 This Week's Activity:
  • Treat yourself to something nice. You've made it to the halfway mark in your pregnancy, so celebrate with a little indulgence. Need some ideas? 
  • For your comfort, try scented candles, a new nightgown or pajamas, or a prenatal massage. 
  • For a keepsake, splurge on professional pictures of your pregnant self, or a beautiful frame for your baby's first picture after birth. (In the meantime, you can use an ultrasound picture!) 
  • To feel like a hot momma, buy yourself a piece of clothing that makes you feel really sexy or get a free makeover at a department store. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

18 WEEKS!!

I'm not going to lie. It's extremely fascinating. I can now feel the baby move, and it's incredible... and honestly funny. Every time I pay attention and think about it, I just laugh. All I can think is: "This is really happening?" "This is possible!" "This is amazing!" Like.. thanks God for creating this experience because boy, oh boy.. it is one fascinating experience. I'm just overflowing with JOY. I am so happy it's not even funny.. .well.. it is. IT'S GREAT! I've never felt this way in my entire life. I repeat. MY. ENTIRE. LIFE.

The other day as I was riding the train, I wrote a little something when I felt like I couldn't contain my emotions anymore. In fact I was so happy, that I ended up crying all the way home. Although I'm sure if any one looked at me it wouldn't have seemed that way. But trust me, I was the happiest girl in the world:


Pregnancy is so fascinating. Each and every day I connect with the baby a little more and it's so beautiful. It makes me so happy. I just want to scream from the rooftops "I'm growing the most amazingly beautiful and wonderful thing in the world !!" words can't fully express the feeling. I'm so proud and happy to be a woman so I can be apart of this process. The beginning nor the end matter anymore. The pain the struggle.. is nothing in comparison to the overwhelming love I feel for my child. Love that is more than I could ever want to give or receive. Love that is more than I ever thought possible. Love that is timeless and endless and priceless. Love that doesn't even fit into the confines of the word love. It's a loud obnoxious vivacious experience that takes me into a realm that I never thought would or could exist.

Just when I thought I was losing me.. I was finding you (the baby) and you are so much more.. You are the best of everything best. My heart cannot fit the love I have for you. My body cannot either. This love expands beyond the stretches of the universe, beyond the confinement of time and space and is nothing like what words can define.


I'm still astonished that I get to be apart of this. I sound like a broken record but I feel like I'm brand new.


Thursday, March 15, 2012

Weird Growth

So, I'm starting to show!
And I can feel, yes literally feel my uterus growing.
My belly button hurts (constantly) and my stomach is stretching (it feels like it's just done a serious workout).
I'm really excited about these developments, despite the uncomfortable pain.
My left hip is killing me. like KILLING me. But I'm still really excited.

Wooo!! More growth to come.. :D

15 weeks!

It's amazing how fast time goes by when you're counting it.
Not just when you're paying attention, but when you're logging the time increments as they flow by.
I feel like I went from 8 weeks prego to 15 in like 2 days.
Of course I know this to be impossible, it's just that it feels like my life is sped up.
Although in context of a 9 month, 37 week pregnancy 15 is nothing.. so I still sometimes feel like I've gotten nowhere in the pregnancy.
Well, I had the initial midwife visit last week. It wasn't too bad. I wasn't really expecting a magical bonding moment.. in fact it was quite similar to seeing a doc. So I'm quite confident about my midwife experience.
Only downfall was that I was there for about 5 hours in total.
There was a birth the night before so midwives were dropping like flies, overworked and tired many went home. And while I was there another woman was in labor.. however she wasn't progressing so they transferred her to the hospital. She looked tired and emotional. I wanted to go give her a hug, hold her hand, and tell her.. it'll all be worth it. I wished her and the baby the best.
I worry about that sometimes.
That the birth won't be as I planned it. And a complication may arise with either me or the baby. And I'll end up in the hospital, heartbroken. My mom tells me to prepare myself for that. And I know I have to prepare myself for anything. But I don't want to.. I want it to be beautiful. Even if it's not perfect.. I want it to be special. Well I've got time, so we'll see. I can only do the best I can.. and leave it in the hands of God.
But on a upper note, I still feel confident about everything.
The baby is developing normally, and I'm started to feel us connecting. He or she makes me laugh all the time. It just bubbles out of me. I'm not sure yet, but I think my baby likes my laugh..  :}
I see a lot of laughter in the future, and I couldn't ask for anything different.
I can't wait to find out the babies gender.. I'm excited to start imagining a little boy or girl. People always ask me what I want.. and I don't have much of a preference, but I think I want a girl.
We're still on the search for names, but there's been more added to the list.
Girl: Meadow, Autumn, Summer, Willow, Tuesday, Pheonix
Boy: Xavier, Egypt, Cairo... I need more.

so this is getting like super long, so I'll cap it here for now. Stay Tuned!!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Paper Cranes

While on the train this morning... running incredibly late to work, a older women sat next to me.

She was Asian, I'm not exactly sure what nationality.
She sat down and got herself comfortable before the train took off.
Immediately I noticed a small piece of paper in her hands, it looked like the back of a receipt.
She adjusted herself before she began folding the tiny piece of paper.
It didn't take me long to recognize the origami figure as a paper crane.
*This is because in elementary school we read a book titled Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes by Eleanor Coerr. We then had to make a thousand paper cranes... I can do it in my sleep now.

Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes

This tiny, frail women had such strong hands. They asserted themselves over this small paper to create a beautiful shape. The receipt went from nothing to something and it was given new life.
As I sat there and watched this women (from the corner of my eye of course because head on would have been very creepy) I felt the strong urge to take her hands and press them against my cheek.

I had learned something from this women.

Our hands are powerful, we are powerful. And life is like that tiny piece of paper. We must assert ourselves and mold it into what we want, and from there we can achieve anything. To some it may seem like nothing.. just a receipt.. but to others it may be a signal of hope that in life there are endless possibilities.

I've decided that for my baby, I want to make a thousand paper cranes.. and every time she looks at it, she'll see her endless possibilities.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Struggle

The hardest part is the struggle.
To understand what you're feeling.
Because you wanna scream, you wanna cry, but it feels like you'd open your mouth and nothing would come out.
Just silence.
You reach your hand out, hoping for a reassuring warmth in return, but nothing comes.
You feel things beside you, but for some reason you turn them away...
Thats the struggle.
To hide isn't enough, because you don't want to.
You want help.. but you don't want to be a burden...
Maybe because you feel that you have allowed so much of the world to be a burden to you that you don't want to do that to someone else.
That's the struggle.
I used to find comfort in the labryinth of words I used to write.  A jumble of emotions expressed so confusingly eloquent.
I understood it.. and anyone who knew how I felt, understood it as well.
But I'm at a loss for words. Eloquent or not.
I can't even be blunt anymore.
That's the struggle.
I just open my mouth, I open my mind.. and nothing comes out. Just silence.
I watch the sun... That used to give me reassurance.. the little things.. have abandoned me.
Just silence.
Serendipity,
Water.. never actually stops moving
So still waters are just as much alive as you and I.
Then I wonder,
How will my daughter or son look at it, the world.
Will she smile at the sun... Will he understand singing winds?
Will they see the love and laughter in the little things?
That's the struggle.
What am I doing?
What am I not doing?
The questions.. my dying heart asks as it beats steady beneath my swollen lungs.
Surviving off the flutter of butterfly wings inside.
Of caterpillars don't fly.. but butterfly's sure do.
I don't want to be Sylvia Plath, or Anne Braxton
How do I love and let myself be loved?
That's the struggle.. to not only write words, but to speak them as well.
I have to be honest with myself... It's a struggle.
And that honesty...
That's the struggle.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Gone

People can tell when somethings wrong.
And they admit that they know when it's something out of their hands or that they can't fix.
So they ignore it.
And they ignore you.
And they wait until either it
Or you
Are gone.
They ponder in their meager hours alone
If they should have said something
Acknowledged it.
Or done something.
Gave you a hug.
But in the end they suffice in believe it's too big
Their's nothing they can do.
So they don't do a damn thing.
And they wait until either it
Or you
Are gone.
And when you leave, they sigh. They no longer feel that pressure. They can get back to their everydailylives.
They can breathe.
Although they know you can.
It's safe to say that they know and will most often admit that they can tell when somethings wrong.. and only they can do something about it.
But who wants that burden?
So they ignore it.
And wait until either it
Or you
Are gone.

This thing called Depression

I wish I could put what I feel when I burst into tears as I'm brushing my teeth into words. I wish I could explain this thing called Depression.

This ever preverant looming dread of the unknown. I mean I know about it, but I can't identify it or put it into words. It's calling out for me to fix it, to fake it. But I never solve anything that way. I've been "never solving" for such a long time.. and it's catching up to me.

It's hitting me hard. And where it hurts.. because all I can think about is my baby, and how I don't want to be this way for my baby. I don't want that darkness looming over me while I'm looking at the pool of light aleep in my arms. I want peace and happiness for my child! Why does that mean I need to struggle to obtain it for myself?? What type of example would I be if this is what I have to show to my child?? This monster that I can't see, I can't fight. All I do is hide. All it does is hide. And I accept that.. but what happens when it all falls apart?? How will I take care of my child? What type of an example is that?

We all hear and know the infamous stories of the "depressed" mom, she ends up fucking up her kids more than she's ever been fucked. I don't want to do that.

I don't mind struggling financially, physically.. whatever.. but I cannot struggle emotionally. That will leave an imprint on my baby that I can never take back. I can never answer all the questions she'll or he'll have... I can never say it'll be ok..

I don't know. I'm so .. or rather I feel so empty.

I can't stand it.. but I feel like I can't fight it either....

This thing called Depression

Friday, March 2, 2012

I thought I knew I didn't know

I realized something last night, as I had a feverent argument with the bf. I'm suppressing something and it's slowly destroying me and the relationships around me. The things that matter most.
Earlier in my blogging, I believe, as I was going through a progressive state of downfall; I spoke about why I started doing any of this blogging at all. Aside from chronically my crazy life like never before.. I was searching for what kept me going back to that pitifull state of depression. Why I'd take small steps forward then regress huge steps back. What keeps pulling me back there?? Why can't I get past this thing??
It's because I don't know what it is... So I can't fight it.. I don't know the triggers or the harm that it did.. or has done.. or will do.
Earlier (in the blog), I talked about the book Sexology by Carly Milne. It was the reason why I knew I had to do something about my life.. because something was holding me back.
So here's the situation as blunt as I can make it:
It seems that I have trouble having sex with L. But I don't know why. Honestly, I like sex (I think), and I love him. He's my bf.. why wouldn't I want to have sex with him?? It only makes sense.. but I seem to constantly push him away. I'm always scared of having sex with him and it takes a lot (from me) to get me to want to have sex with him.. and then to actually have sex with him. Sometimes I want to.. but I can't do the act. I don't know why.
He's expressed that he thinks it's because I'd rather be with a girl than him and although I am bisexual that's definitely not it.
But what hurt me the most was how hurt he was by pushing him away.. he felt like he was forcing me sometimes.. and frankly most of the time it feels that way to me. But that's not the case... I know it's not. (And please trust that I'm being truthfully in this. If I say no.. it's no and he walks away.)
But I'm left asking myself why I feel that way?? I then realized something. I remembered when I discovered that my odd issues with sex and sexuality stemed from something that happened a long time ago. Something that I buried far far away, and now it's leaking out. I realized that this event that I can't remember is rearing it's ugly head and I can't ignore it any longer. So here I am with the realization.. just when you think it's ok to not know, you realize that you no longer have power or control. Not knowing hurts far worse. Because you can't protect yourself or others and you can't help yourself or ask for help from others.. I wish I knew what happened so I can put a stop to this. I've decided to seek professional help, or this will no doubt effect my baby. I checked out this site that helps women with pre and post partum depression. Even though my problems derive from something way before the baby, it's taking it toll now.. at the worse possible time. I sent them a message. Something just short of begging for help. Hopefully I get a call or email within the next few days. I don't know how much longer I can deal.

post/prepartum resource center

I'm trying to learn

Im trying to learn how to not get so upset by things.. but honestly, it's these tiny things that prick away at me until I can't stand it anymore. And by that time I pop. But what's been happening is that, because I do so much to supress my overwhelming feelings for everything...including the big stuff. I get to a point where everything and anything starts to chip away at the last bits of my sanity. So I get pissed about anything. I can't function correctly, I can't think logically or process shit. I stay on edge and no matter what I do, I only feel worse. And things only get worse and It because an obstain ball of "FML".
Then... Im left feeling so empty and hurt by the world, and isolated and people just don't understand. I can't think of how to explain it, so I don't I just push it aside and hide it away, find something to make me smile and pretend it's ok.. when it's not. It's just a major disastor waiting to happen. It's a break-down waiting to occur.
I can't deal with this shit anymore. I can't take the stess and Im ready to just say fuck it. But you see, that's not acceptable in my eye, so I stay perpetually pissed.
Im falling apart.. slowly. I need a break. I need to get away, from everything... But of course, I can't step outside of my body and take a time out. I still have responsibilities and a livelihood to upkeep, and most of all my baby.
I know this is no good for my baby. And it's killing me.. knowing and feeling so helpless. It hurts.. physically. To think that my child is suffering for my emotional pitfalls. I want to be happy for my baby, healthy for my baby.

Being Broke..

So im like dead broke. My mum and I managed to pull funds from the sky for rent, which believe me is great.. but now I've got $1.82 to my name. And my mom has.. $.02, so figure.. we're broke.
And let me tell you, it is no fun being pregnant, hungry, and broke...

ugh. My baby is begging for a snack.. :{

Monday, February 27, 2012

You know your family is awesome when...

When you're having a terribly emotional day, and your mom texts you about birthing options and she suggests renting a tub.
And in order to make the mood more comfortable she offers to "sing and dance" for you...
And the vision of you sitting in a tub waiting to push a baby out and your mother standing in front of you singing and dancing with candles surrounding her, and the epic look on your face.. flashes through your mind..

That is when you know your family is awesome..

I started laughing so hard, I squirted some tears. That vision will be stuck in my mind all day..

No mom, we're not going to sing and dance.. maybe after the baby is born... maybe..

Another Prego Gripe!!

You know what grinds my gears???

My skin!! During pregnancy... I can't handle how itchy I am. All the darn time.. Yes.. It's very annoying
I'm dry and itchy everywhere all the darn time. It's gotten to a point where I get pissed whenever I have to scratch. Like I want to fight my skin. Hand to hand combat.. If only..I'll tell you this, I wouldn't be itchy anymore.

But alas! We cannot fight our own skin. All we can do is succumb to it's nasty attitude and do as it says.
But honestly.. is it really possible to moisturize your skin.. all the darn time?? No.. well not unless you're home all day. Which I am most definitely not. Actually I don't think I spend more than 10 hours at home.
And I try to fit in about 7 hours of sleep so... do the math, I have to stop and scratch my darn back!

I can't with this skin.. it's killing me. I need some help and I need it ASAP.

Morning Emotional

Had a weird fugue of emotions this morning as I was looking at a diagram of what my baby should look like at this point. All of a sudden I just started crying... and I've been a silent wreck since.

I was walking out of the subway.. and BAM! tears.. I couldn't control it.
I didn't stop until I was two steps away from the office I work at.

I was walking in the kitchen to put my lunch in the fridge.. and BAM! I felt like crying again.
I don't know what's up.

I know last week was rough, but I'm trying to make this week better.

I think I'm feeling these emotions because I bottled so much up last week. I was trying not to stress for the baby and unfortunately I constitute that with not feeling. so I ended up just stuffing it away like I always do.

I really worry about when I do this. I know it's not healthy, but I have no idea how to get out of the habit. I'm also positive that this isn't something that I want to teach to my child. There are healthy, constructive ways to feel and deal with emotions. However, no matter how much I tell myself that, I just can't seem to practice it. I get in this mode where it's like.. "Calm down...breathe.. push the feelings away." Then later on I think.. "Wait, that last part isn't right?..." I know I should talk to someone, but for some reason I don't feel like it's appropriate, or that they would understand (there's a laundry list of reason's I give for bottling up my feelings) And then slowly but surely I start to leak until I burst, and that's no fun for anyone... especially baby.

I have to get some help....

Learning on the NYC subway

I learn a lot about life when I do my daily trips around NYC from home to work to school to the studio.. to every damn where...
Mostly I learn to appreciate the weird things people do.. we are all alike, no matter what anyone else ever says or ever thinks.. "we're not so different.. you and I"...
And I've learned to appreciate going on the bridge.
Whenever I'm traveling with my boyfriend and we go over the bridge he always.. and I mean always kisses me as we're going over the water. It's kinda romantic and weird at the same time, but I love it.
I've learned that the world is a dirty place.. wash your hands, but don't fear everything. You can only know but so much, and there are germs everywhere.
I also think the subway system here is the most diverse and cultured congregation of people. You can find everyone down here.. on the same train, in the same car, sitting next to each other. It's beautiful actually. If the world was more like the NYC subway system maybe (and this is a very weary maybe) just maybe we'd have some type of peace.
But overall, no matter how crazy it may be sometimes, I can safely tell you that every ride is interesting..

Is it bad that I want a water birth??

After going (currently) 13 weeks without an OBGYN or doctor of any kind I'm starting to ponder whether people think I'm ridiculous for wanting to have a water birth.
Water births are actually fairly new to the West, and the U.S.  especially. However it's been a practice in the East for centries.. documented mostly in France and Russia. I know currently it's a big deal in the U.K. I'll link more details about water births below, but trust that I've done my research and it's what I want.. hands down. The only other way I'd consider otherwise is if I found out magically that I'm having multiples (of any number).
But as I've been on the search for a place to give birth (which for some odd reason has gotten me flustered and rushed) I found that water births are definitely something not normally done here in the U.S. and it definitely doesn't look like it for people who have government insurance.
There are a limited number of birthing centers in NYC. That also includes hospitals that have jacuzzi tubs that can be used for water births. To top of the cherry, it's only really customary for midwives to deliver through water births. There are a wide range of midwives in NYC, but very very few who take and/or are covered by government insurance. This dillemma has left me in quite a bind.
I stumbled on an really cool birthing center not too far from me, but it's small (there's only two room, and one tub) so there is a chance that when it comes time for me to gice birth I may have no choice but to push in their living/waiting room or in the nearby hospital. And that I don't want. I'd be upset if that happened (as a result of where I chose to give birth, not due to any type of medical situation or emergency). That birthing center also doesn't do sonograms, so I wouldn't get to see my baby until he/she arrived.. and I want some pre-birth pics of the little jumper.
So now, I've been struggling to find some midwife hiding under an obscure rock to accept/be covered by my insurance and be lovely and warm and understanding and caring and to wonderfully deliver my beautiful child in the most loving way.. in a great tub of water!
I imaginine it's so nice.. so now I just have to make it happen.. :(
Unfortunately in the mean time, people are getting concerned and want me to compromise. And don't get me wrong, I have area's of lee-way.
Like allowing an OBGYN to deliver my baby, as long as "she" was super awesome and would do so via water birth.
I think that's my only compromise actually.. bleh. At least im creating doors for options. But I know I deserve the best and so does my child. So i deserve to get the birthing experience I want, and unless some type of medical emergency says otherwise..  I'm having a water birth.
I don't think that's too bad.
What do you think?

Water Births!

Learning something new about a strange person :)

My favorite book is The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
My favorite type of food is Pasta.. but I just have a love for all types of food


Sunday, February 26, 2012

Taking Care of Business

So today, I finally decided to put my foot down and take care of those things that I've neglected for so darn long. Like...

Filing my FAFSA.. that has really been putting a dent in my pocket because I'm eligible for financial aid money back for books and other school stuff (like a new charger!) but I can't get that money until I file so.. yeah.

Finding a doctor.. I can't really do that until the week, but I can do some research until then
I also need to find a nutritionists, a dermatologist, and a psychologist (or family counselor, parent preparer.. or whatever I need a better grasp on how im gonna get tangled me.. into a mommy).. so..yeah

Then I'm also like 2 weeks behind on homework.. so .. yeah..

And there's some other stuff that I can't think of right now.

I also have to re-organize my room, so we'll see how that goes. But I'm also thinking about taking a day off work so that I have a day to organize my life some more. Who knows, we'll see how that goes.

But I'm hoping that I can get myself together by the end of this week. I would really like to get myself together that would make me so so so so happy! :)

So it's time to take care of business.


Cinema Verite

I've been trying to capture life as it happens for my film. That's what makes me the type of filmmaker that I am. That's also the most important part of doing a biogra-film. You have to capture yourself (or a piece of yourself that you want to showcase) as it is. So right now I'm trying to capture aspects of my pregnancy. But it's like. Trying to live my life and film it at the same time.
That's very difficult to do by the way.
Not to mention that my life is so fucking complicated. And I'm so busy all the damn time.
And of course I'm pregnant.
Not that that's an excuse or anything... it just means that my energy is cut in half, before the day even begins. Then I have to make the rest extend for work and school, so by the time I get home, or I have time to film... I'm so tired, that I'm just like "fuck it" and I go to sleep.
It's like there's always so much to do, in so little time. It's a little upsetting.

On top of that. I haven't been able to be inspired by a want to capture a visual.
Let me better phrase that.
Prior to all this mess.. well prior to life... I would have a visual in my mind (a sort of vision) that I wanted to recreate, or capture so that I can share it with the world.
More recently, I that hasn't been happening.
In fact, now... it's been that I have words.. in my mind still.. that I want to share with the world. But I'm still a filmmaker, so I have to add a visual that I can capture so that I can visually express what to say.
It would be very boring if I was just sitting in front of the camera talking or reading to it.
I'm sure you wouldn't buy a movie ticket to see that. I wouldn't either.

So here I am.. trying to live. And trying to show the world... at the same time.
I guess if you think about it.. it's not much different from living and writing a blog at the same time.
Well, except blogs don't necessarily need to be cinema verite... no one really cares when it was written, as long as it's a showcase of your life..

But I digress, because I'll end up whining for a very long time if I keep this up.
I just have to trust in myself, and my talent, and in the people who have taught me well.
:)

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Weird things..

Yes I talk to myself.. not like in the crazy way, but more so in a commentary for life way. Like a narration that i always wished i never had. (Read that one again.. slowly this time..)
Oddly enough, even if i've seen you once in passing on the train, I can remember your face. I saw this guy on the train this morning that I recognized. I was like "hey! It's that guy!" I don't know him from crop to creek, but we rode the same train.. in the same car.. sitting right across from each other a couple of times.
Having said that, yes I people watch. Not in the "Creeper!" Way.. but more like "people are interesting creatures" way.
Another weird thing... Ever since I got pregnant, my senses are like super heightened. No smell, sound, flicker, gets pass me. This also goes for my supernatural senses. ( i.e. i can see clearer scenes of the future.. and not only when I sleep, they seep into my life like a side film. And I can better sense loitering spirits)
I'm just weird I guess...
What about you?

I forget..

Sometimes I forget I've got a baby growing inside of me. Pregnancy is odd, because if it weren't for the symptoms, for the first few months you wouldn't even know it exsisted.
I was able to tell myself I wasn't pregnant for the first month. Then the nausea slapped me and said "really??"
So yeah..
But I seriously forget that I've got a human (tiny or not) growing and changing and flipping inside my uterus. (Remember little girls babies grow in the "uterus" not the "stomach". Stomaches are too acid and gross for that.. :)
How can I not forget though??
I can't feel anything. I still feel the same... Aside from my extreme lack of appetite, nausea, heightened sense, etc...
Sigh.. I'm tired.
I know by month 5 (i think.. odd contradiction, I know) i'll be sucking my words back through a straw, because this active ass baby is going to make himself or herself known.. well known.
So by then I won't forget..
Until then.. sometimes I forget.
Wouldn't you?

Friday, February 24, 2012

No, I am not a teen mom..

Being pregnant is difficult enough.
Imagine being pregnant working a full-time part-time job, going to school full-time night-time and holding a proactive dream of wanting to be a filmmaker...
Does that sound like your average pregnant teen?? No.
Because a good 70% of them have familial, outside, or government support. Im running on just limited familial support. While still trying to solidify my independance. I'm responsible for a family already and it's my own. You don't catch many teen mothers doing that. Especially the ones we see celebrified on TV.. no, that is not real life.
Life is cake and ice cream, then shit and piss, then back to cake and ice cream. It's a delicate balance. You have to be ready, willing, and able to accept it for what it is. I do that.. every time I wake up, and every time I go to sleep. I gripe and moan, but I think I'm the most optimistic chick on the block, because I understand and accept. And I'm proactive about making the changes I need in my life. I do what I can, whatever I can.. and push my limits, but don't fight them.
I'm a super not so super woman. I'm a lot of things actually, but i'm not a teen mom. I'm not a statistic. I have a name. And my skin does not make me who I am, it's a mere physical characteristic. I am me... Who are you??
I write poetry, and i'm damn good at it.
I make films and I think I'm a baby currently, but I know I have potential to be legendary. And that doesn't mean famous, just remembered.
I love the world, even when it doesn't love me back.
I expect the world of myself, but only because I know I am the world...
I think im extrordinarily ordinary..
I've got the world on my shoulders, but I carry it well.
I can do anything, I can be anything. I am a lot of things...But I am not a teen mom.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Stressing Out

I am stressing out like shit. It's ridiculous because it's all I can think about. How fucking much I'm stressed out. To the fucking max right now.
Rent is coming up.. no money for that. and it's looking like I can't find money in the fucking air so I'm just going to have to manipulate my mind to make money appear from some fucking where.
Then my laptop can't charge because for some odd reason the charger chose now.. yes now.. to stop working, to pop that cherry I'm not even sure I still have my Apple Care, and I can't afford to reinstate that (if it is in fact expired) because... well... I can't afford anything right now.
L just lost his job.. and he's sulking about it.. and that's the it... Can you catch any frustration in that statement??  I can.
Oh plus, I've got footage due, like yesterday.. well the day before yesterday. And I haven't done shit.
I'm so fucking stressed. And stressing over my stress, is stressing me out. It's like a fuckball of stress!

This of course is upsetting the baby, who is in return upsetting my stomach. So I can't really eat, but I'm starving. But I don't really feel like eating. Ginger Ale is not helping and I gave up on the fucking crackers months ago. I'm probably gonna throw up later.

In total, this week has been kicking the shit out of me. I thought I was getting somewhere yesterday, only to fall flat on my face today. Fuck You!
(I don't know who that was meant for..)

And I'm fucking freezing at work, it's like cold air blowing on me... all fucking day. Maybe I have a fever or some shit, because no one else seems to be shitting over it except me. So I'll keep my mouth shut and suffer. fml

I've got tons of homework to do, and tons of shit to figure out. Tons of shit.. It's a fucking shit fest. I can't.

I want to complain, but I feel like I have no one to complain to. Like my gripe doesn't mean shit. Which of course, I'm assuming it doesn't. Well at least to the rest of the world. They're like.... "who really gives a fuck? I don't". ... To that I say, "Fuck You!, but I gotta give you that". This is life, I understand that. It's bullshit on top of shitty bullshit. You just gotta roll with the punches and take em. Yes you can fight, but I'm working with no fist right now so... that's not gonna be a pretty fight. And honestly what can anyone really do for me. I'd much rather just do for myself. I don't want anyone thinking I owe them shit. Fuck You! .... again.

So I'm here. On my blog. At work, I'm supposed to be working on something. Sigh. I'll finish that up and then waste my life away on the train home. And then figure out how fucked up my life really is.

I swear, if it wasn't for this baby. I'd have called it shit a long time ago.

Every time I feel like shit has hit the fan, I just look at the sonograms. And all I can think is "Weeeee!" as I stare at my baby caught somersaulting in my uterus. That's one lucky baby. I'm one lucky mommy. And this is one hell of a life. But we're doing it together (and we're not alone..even if it feels like it, I swear I'm the only one stressing this much!). And I'll do whatever it takes (aside from anything that I.. yes I consider morally (although I'm not too fond of that word..) not good) to make this hell of a life a golden ( I prefer silver though..) Silver life.. for my baby.

We all have things we want...

There's always been things I've wanted.
But when faced with becoming a parent in the near future it's like those wants become needs.
Even though there's always been things i've wanted, I've lived a rough life, so practicality was key, and I've never wanted beyond simple means. A rough over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and shoes on my feet. Of course like many other teens my age I also wanted those things I couldn't get. The newest tech (cell phone, tv, laptop, ipod,etc.).. well, even in that I was practical. Like, who the hell really needs the latest fashion? I like to dress how I feel comfortable. Sometimes that's fashionable, other times it's not. It's about me when I get dressed, not the world. So far I haven't gotten very much negative feedback on my wardrobe, poor and all. (Btw that's very different while pregnant, it's a battle not to look fat.) The same goes for shoes, if I found a pair that I loved and found comfortable to wear everyday, I'd wear them every goddamn day. Although, I do love a nice variety.. I don't need shoes that cost 800 fucking dollars. $45 suits me just fine, cuz they'll last me forever... Well until I wear them out. Those type of things drive people my age crazy, they'll sell drugs and their souls for a new pair of Jordan's.. fuck that, I'll stick with Payless.
But as I've gotten older, and now that I'm expecting, I find myself wanting things for my child not myself. I'm still practical though...

For instance. My mom wants an uber expensive bedroom set for the baby (she was looking at the one Mario Lopez got for his son...). I'm like we need a room for the baby first. Last I checked....

And by no means am I bringing my child to that shit of an apartment we have now. Don't get me wrong, it's better than being homeless, but it's depressing.
...
But I digress, I prefer something natural. I've always wanted something handcrafted. I wish I was a carpenter.. I'd build my own set for my child. If I have to spend money I want it to be made with heart and soul, something special. Not something everyone else has. (Actually, I've always thought that way...) I want my baby to grow in the bed set, and have memories of tracing the carvings and etchings as she or he went to sleep... Dreaming of the wonders of the world, of possibility and feeling loved. You can't create memories from generics. I want sensory memories for my baby. Wonderfully distinct smells and sounds. Laughter and happiness. The simple things, that mean so much.
...
Is that too much to ask for?
Does that sound too expensive??

It feels like it does...

I think the biggest reason why I find that simplicity to be so hard to obtain is because you need a home to have it in.

And a home is expensive.

My mother has struggled all her life to obtain a home for herself.. for us.. 
We still don't have that.
And I want that for her, for us, for mine.. but it seems so unachieveable.. and that's scary.

I mean, we all have things we want.... But do we ever think about how we're gonna get them?

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Sublime

I tried to write poetry, the words come out sublime.
I whispered calling for the words i lost them every time
Do you see my eyes dialated nothing for the world to see
It slips away past the stolen water sleeping beside me
Skies aren't blue when in full bloom
Dark laughter bends backward reaching for the moon
Its only the frame, empty to the brim
Gorged with seeds of yesterday, tomorrow looked too grim
Alast the everlasting stiched onto the fabric of time
While i tried to write poetry the words come out sublime

A lot on my mind...

So it's been a pretty rough weekend. I had redemption plans for Valentines day that fell through. It was a major disappointment, but I received a gorgeous rose the prior to that fiasco that kinda made up for it (which is kinda weird I know.) So that tumble kinda led into an oddly emotional weekend. Which has been spilling into an oddly emotional week.

Really it's just that, everything is overwhelming. Bleh.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant now. And I already feel fat. I'm showing.. and that's probably because I had quite a belly before baby, so baby is just making my belly more pronounced. Doc wanted me to cut back on sugar because I was overweight prior to baby. But I just lost like 10 lbs so.... and the baby likes sugar so.... I don't like deprivation. But that's besides the point.

I've been trying for some time to put my emotions in a format that I can understand enough to explain, but really it just feels like a jumble of jumble of word jumble. So it kinda looks like this:

angrysadhappydepressedexcitedanxiouscryscreamthrowupthrowanythingsleepysleeptiredyawncryexcitedfatbloatedgassyoverwhelmedcrypissedoffhappyscaredscaredscaredwtf!crycantsleepsleeptireddepressedanxiousthiscangoonforeveriamsopissedbutactuallyeverythingisntthatbadsighcrycrycryineedsleeplikenow.

So yeah, I'm up at 2:27 in the morning and instead of doing homework I'm stressing out. Oh.. and I'm  watching the United States of Tara (which is an amazing show.. <3)

So it's just been tough for me, getting these things together.. and out. I don't know. I'm not really concentrating on writing this. So maybe I should formulate my mind better. I'm gonna try and get some more homework done. and then maybe think about achieving some sleep.

sigh

Thursday, February 16, 2012

11 weeks and bouncing baby!!

So it's been a while since I've posted. I've got so much to say, it seems like I don't enough time... all the time. That's just hell to me because I love to write, and it's not like I can't think of anything to write, I'm bursting at the seems. It's just that the thoughts swirl through my head and then in that same instant that I thought of them, they're gone. It's heart breaking not being able to remember those raw thoughts. I've got to figure out a better way to capture them... even when I'm dead tired.

So I guess updates are due, before I get to the story of the day:


  • Nausea has subsided for the most part. But every once in a while it smacks me in the mouth, and I can't help but making a face. 
  • Headaches are coming in now.. and that's causing some terrible nausea and vomiting... so yeah..
  • Mom is on board! She wants a girl, and she's still a little bitter at times, but she's my mother and I love her and she loves me and she's an amazing woman.. *I'm tearing up..* 
    • On that same note, our relationship has gotten better by ten fold. 
    • My relationship with my g-mom on the other hand, has not. She'll come around once the baby is born.
  • My bestie V and I are now an item.. So I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend .. and a fetus!! So much love!!!
  • L is being great.. we don't get to spend as much time together but we're working on that.
  • I've been thinking about baby names so far I've got:
    • Avena 
    • Nova
    • Nyaj
    • Adair
    • Kai
    • Kai'Ahava
    • Ahava
    • Nix (maybe..)
    • Arvid
    • Aylin
    • Any more suggestions??
  • Uhh.. Oh! Energy levels has increased.. slightly. I can manage through a day.. mornings are still tough. Mom has advised that I start a routine. That sounds like a really good idea, whether or not I'll follow through.. who knows..
  • Hmm.. I've managed to film some stuff thanks to the lil bro and my film instructor. Great footage, but I still have so much more work to do. Gotta get my shit together. It's crunch time. 
  • Hmm. Oh.. I haven't broken the news to my father yet. sigh.. I am dreading that, but my mom is like.. howabout Sunday?? so it's kinda been settled that my dad sit with me and L and we break the great (in our eyes) news.. I hope he doesn't have a heart attack...
I think that's it for the update.. which is actually more than I realized. Sigh. I'll start updating more often.. I'm gonna try everyday. But for now, lets get to the story of the day!

So yesterday I went to see the doctor in Staten Island (long story, odd reason why: terrible experience with other OBGYN.. uh.. and I just wanted to be comfortable for once, it kinda backfired but whatever the end made it all worth it) 
Anyway... After much hollabaloo. I was able to do a sonogram, and we got to see the baby again!! It was amazing. He or She kept on flipping around and doing all sorts of happy baby tricks. It made me laugh, and that made the baby move more! It was great! I loved it. Mom loved it too, and so did L (of course) although he kept on making weird jokes and it upset me some (he was being childish and ridiculous about the entire thing, long story again, but i got over it the babies more important). Anyway, it seems like the baby is doing just fine, taking all my energy and loving it. I'm glad it's going somewhere. 

I can't wait until I'm bigger and I can actually feel everything. I know I'll be annoyed by it when I'm trying to sleep, but I don't care, I'll sleep when I'm old. I want to experience my happiness with my child. So exciting.

So now.. both baby and I are bouncing.. Yah!! 

p.s. I'll post sonogram pics soon.  

10 weeks!

Dear me.. I haven't written in a while, I suppose that's because not only was the past 2 weeks the roughest I think I've ever experienced, but also because I've been exhausted...
So, I guess I kinda gotta recap right? I'm sure you're burning to know what the fuck happened that derailed me to such an extend (after I was just praising myself for consistency..)
Well, 2 weeks back I had a hernia scare. Docs were worried about el bebe, so had to take care of that... Then immediately following I attempted the cinnamon challenge. (Look it up on youtube if you're not sure what that is..) To make that long story short, I had a terrible.. i repeat terrible allergic reaction. It kept me out of commision for an entire week.
To top that sundae off with a wonderful cherry, the moms learned of the baby. It's been a rollercoaster with her since. At first she was like whatever.. then she was upset.. and then her "upset" got progressively worse. She began bargining ANYTHING to get me to have an abortion. Then she pulled her best card yet. "Me or the baby..." Meaning that if I didn't take the baby's life, she would take hers... Yeah, I know.. off her rockers. Anyway, that devestated me, because I could see she was already destroying herself slowly. I also knew that if I got rid of my baby, I would perish.. in that fashion exactly.. I would fall apart. I knew this entrinsicly.
Thankfully, I had great guidance from my best friend, my boyfriend, and my film instructors... So I'm going to stick to my plan to live my life, and anyone not on that boat can suck it. Except my mom... I'll drag her on a booey...
So now... I've got the first pic of babe. At 9 weeks. Heartbeat of 165 per minute

Monday, January 23, 2012

Week 8!

Provided by Web-MD week-by-week

Congratulations!

You're Eight Weeks Pregnant. This is a very large milestone you have just reached. If an ultrasound is done at this gestational age with a normal fetus and fetal heart rate, the risk of pregnancy loss at this time is less than 3%. The fetus continues to grow and is now about the size of a grape -- 0.56 to 0.8 inches from crown to rump. The fetus is really developing at this point in time. Organ development is in full gear. Eyelid folds and ears are forming and even the tip of the nose is visible. The arms have grown longer and bend at the elbows. Places where fingers and toes eventually will grow are becoming notched.

Your uterus, once the size of your fist, is now growing about the size of a large apple. Even this early in pregnancy you may feel some cramping or pain in your lower abdomen or sides as your uterus is growing. These cramping or contractions will continue throughout pregnancy. These are normal but consult your doctor if cramping is associated with vaginal bleeding.

The pregnancy hormone HCG is continuing to increase and therefore your nausea and vomiting will continue. You have another two weeks before it peaks and will start to decrease. The overall sensation of tiredness is continuing. You will be napping and feeling exhausted all the time. Continue to take your vitamins as it is important in the first trimester to take them. You may have a hard time taking them as it may cause nausea. You may be able to take them before bed time or you may even need to take a chewable vitamin.

This news is great! With the awesome exception of the persistant continuation of this hellish nausea! Thank the world that I'm not vomiting... And then wait it only gets worse! 2 weeks to peak! OMG! I dread the day.. im gonna stay in my room for that period of time.
The cherry on top is my tiredness.. sigh.. i mean come on, napping and still feeling exhasted all the time?? Ugh!
But overall, im still really excited.. odd right?

8 weeks.. pretty freakin awesome


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Nausea

Ok. Second gripe with pregnancy... Feeling like you want to puke your soul out ALL THE DAMN TIME.
ugh, its the worse.
Its so tough to deal with.
For instance, it is now 4 am and I can't sleep because I feel like vomiting. Eating would help but I've got no appetite because I feel like vomiting. This cycle is never ending.
I hate it.
Nothing wrong with pregnancy... It's great and beautiful in the grand scale. But the small details.... Like feeling itchy and eating like a pig.. and/or throwing up, or just making the face.. and the random cravings. Those things make pregoness... One messy ride. I wouldn't recommend it to someone of weak will.
Sigh I'm so tired...
I'm gonna try and sleep but I'd love some IKEA pizza right now.......

Thursday, January 19, 2012

I'm so tired...

Biggest thing about the pregoness... how much energy it requires. 
It's so tiring... I wish I could put it into words but I can't .. I'm too tired. :(
To tip off the ice cream sundae, I barely get any sleep at home, and I work full time hours currently... work is a stressor in it's own accord.
I'm supposed to be filming you know.. but I'm too tired.
I can't even say, I can't film because I'm tired and I'm resting.. no. That's not the case. The case is that I'm too busy + I'm too tired = I don't feel like it. so... I won't..

sigh...

What it really is that harboring another human life requires a LOT of energy. I mean think about it, it's a human life. That's not something to take lightly. So this baby has been sucking my living soul out of me. Almost literally. Not that I wouldn't give my soul to my child if I needed to, but doing it this way, and not being able to talk about it really... is hard.

I wanna cry. I'm that tired.

My bestie say's that children (babies to be exact) are parasites and that's why I feel this way.
But she'll love my kid to death anyway.
Gotta love the best friend.

Any-who.. I'm at work (begrudgingly).. so I'm going to try and get some work done. Sigh..

I'm so tired...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Can I feel any worse??

So I haven't posted in quite some time, and there are plenty of reason's behind that.
I know everything is a little confusing, and as I said from the start of this that I would be blunt and honest, I've came to the conclusion that hiding any information from my blog would be like trying to hide information from myself, and this information is something that would be near IMPOSSIBLE to hide from myself. So let me get to the point...

I'm pregnant.

Yes, take it in for a moment. But wait there's more.

I'm actually kinda happy.

The only thing that doesn't make me happy is how other people will feel about the news. Of course the first thoughts that would drop into their mind would be.. "OH NO!" "She's so young!!" "How could she do that to her life??" "Now what will she do?" "Another irresponsible teen/adult!!" "Blashpheme!!" "Abortion!!" "SHE'S DONE FOR!!"

But truthfully, I don't believe any of that bullshit. My life will be just fine. I'll just have an addition to it.
Honestly think of it this way if it makes you feel better. I've been an adult/parent all my life. I did a short bought of being a teen and the people in my life didn't like it anyway, so oh well.
Let me answer all of your burning questions...

Who is the father?? L

Whaaaa?? Yes, I know, I've only known him for a month.. well I've only dated him for a month. But it happened. Life happens. And we deal. If you get a paper cut, the world doesn't end. If you get a scar, it doesn't end either.. even though you have to live with that scar and the consequences of that scar for the rest of your life. (*note: not that im calling my child a scar, it's a beautiful entity that I welcome into this terrible world)

Does the father know?? Yes

How does he feel about it?? He's scared. But excited too, and happy to share this experience with me. He really does love me (fuck all those who say otherwise.. if I do end up finding out that he's lying.. that's life too, I'll deal)

Are you going to keep it?? Yes

Did you tell your parents/family?? No, and I don't plan on doing so.. at least not yet. I'll cross that bridge when I feel like it's safe to. Honestly I think my mother would kill me and my father would die. 

What are you going to do now?? Ahh, the famous question. I'm going to live. It's going to be hard at first, but I've got people who love and care about me helping me through this. Having a child is not terrible. I'm going to continue doing what's best for me, but now i't'll be more of what's best for my child, but still me too. We're a team now...

I still have dreams, and believe or not they're still achiveable. Even with a child.. GASP!!


I haven't told anyone at work yet, but I plan too. So far only a few good friends and L know. I'm 7 weeks.. surprise!.. so I'm not showing yet but I've got every symptom in the book, aside from vomiting (and that may not be for long.. not vomiting is a serious struggle). But with help I've been managing so far..

Even though these symptoms are killing me, and I can't even complain out loud because people will look at me like "WTF" so.. yeah.. I gotta deal.. sigh.

I see the doc again on the 31st. I'm excited to hear a heartbeat..
But till then... Can I feel any worse??
-_-
Stay tuned for additional messy life info

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Whisper

While no ones paying attention, ill whisper in your ear.. 6 more weeks to go love, 6 sweet weeks my dear

Saturday, January 7, 2012

I feel like shit...

I spent all night, trying to clean my room. I feel successful. I managed to throw a lot of crap out. So I'm happy about that. Still doesn't change the fact that I still feel like a stranger in my own home. I hate going to that place. Oh well.
I'm dead tired. I feel dead. The nausea has subsided, for the moment.
OH.. ahh. I didn't tell you about that.. oh well. You'll figure it out.
But anyway, I feel alright, aside from being feeling like shit. sigh.

I'm so tired. and stressed out.

But on a less shittier note, I got 3 A's and 1 B for this semester.
A, A+, A-, B+
Pretty fucking awesome if you ask me, because if you look back to my previous posts I thought I was going to fail.

I'm so tired.

Next semester will be better, or it shall be the same. Last semester was similar. I got three A's and 1 B.
So yeah...

Now I'm cold.

January 10th is approaching at a speedy rate. I'm really excited. Which is weird, but also expected.
I just hope that everything is ok. I hope everything works out. Deep down, I feel like everything will be alright. But who knows. There's a lot to think about, and a lot to do. So many things, so little time.

sigh.. I'm so tired.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Im proud of myself

I have to say, I'm proud of myself for this blog. Despite that fact that no one see's it... I feel really accomplished for getting these thought's out there in the open. I encourage people to read, and try to understand. I know it may seem vauge and a little confusing most of the time (who am i kidding?? it's hella confusing, all the time), but it's me... As stripped away as i've ever been. It makes sense that it makes no sense..
Which is why im so proud. I've made it very far.. and i've got so much more to go..

How many lies does it take?

So im still stuck.. lying. It's tiring. I don't like lying, but she (the mom) doesn't like the truth.. so now what. She hates that I  lie. But she hates when i tell the truth.. she hates everything, so I guess it doesn't matter. Does it?

One day, i'll be free. To do as I see fit, and say as I see fit. There will be no lying, because I won't need to, those who I will surround myself with will know the truth. They know the truth now so.. it's only you... Her... The mother

I mean, things can only get worse from this point .. well worse for this part of my life. In other parts they can only get better.

There's so much going on.. im so scared. Because I want my freedom so bad, and it's looking less and less like I will achieve it. Im trying so hard, I really am.

I want it all to work out. I want to be free to live like I want. I want to be able to love like I want. I want to be able to study, work, film, dance, sing, laugh, act... Like I want.
For myself.. for once..

But for now.. i have to live the lie within the lie.. lying my way through the tunnel.. until it ends..

Monday, January 2, 2012

Eating Goldfish

So im in Target, eating goldfish, feeling unaccomplished.
I was supposed to pick up a camera today, again. It's almost 3.. I told him he'd see me at 10 am. Wtf was i thinking?? But thats besides the point.
I still feel like a stranger in my own home, my own walls. In the company of those that are supposed to love and care about me , im an evil alien that cares about no one but herself.
But i mean, what's wrong with caring about yourself? Especially when you've devoted so much of your life to others...

Which is worse.. hurting others so that they can't hurt you anymore.. or letting yourself be hurt so that you don't hurt others??

I'll ponder that while i eat my goldfish...

Sunday, January 1, 2012

I'm trying not to hate

Im trying not to hate myself.. because im not the one that should be hated.
Im trying not to hate those around me.. whether or not they deserve it.
Im trying not to fall into my own trap of acceptance.
But is letting it be accepting??
Is not caring... Letting it be??
All i want to be is alone.
But again misery loves company.. and misery hates you when you can't provide that..
Or rather when you won't. Or you don't.

I feel like an outsider in my own home..
No one should feel that way..
To me that just means that it's not a home...
They have no idea whats going on, what they're doing. The damage... The end result will only be war.
War with oneself.
Because i've decided im leaving... And im not taking pain with me.
I don't care any more.
I can't.. so i won't..
Im just trying not to hate