Monday, January 23, 2012

Week 8!

Provided by Web-MD week-by-week


You're Eight Weeks Pregnant. This is a very large milestone you have just reached. If an ultrasound is done at this gestational age with a normal fetus and fetal heart rate, the risk of pregnancy loss at this time is less than 3%. The fetus continues to grow and is now about the size of a grape -- 0.56 to 0.8 inches from crown to rump. The fetus is really developing at this point in time. Organ development is in full gear. Eyelid folds and ears are forming and even the tip of the nose is visible. The arms have grown longer and bend at the elbows. Places where fingers and toes eventually will grow are becoming notched.

Your uterus, once the size of your fist, is now growing about the size of a large apple. Even this early in pregnancy you may feel some cramping or pain in your lower abdomen or sides as your uterus is growing. These cramping or contractions will continue throughout pregnancy. These are normal but consult your doctor if cramping is associated with vaginal bleeding.

The pregnancy hormone HCG is continuing to increase and therefore your nausea and vomiting will continue. You have another two weeks before it peaks and will start to decrease. The overall sensation of tiredness is continuing. You will be napping and feeling exhausted all the time. Continue to take your vitamins as it is important in the first trimester to take them. You may have a hard time taking them as it may cause nausea. You may be able to take them before bed time or you may even need to take a chewable vitamin.

This news is great! With the awesome exception of the persistant continuation of this hellish nausea! Thank the world that I'm not vomiting... And then wait it only gets worse! 2 weeks to peak! OMG! I dread the day.. im gonna stay in my room for that period of time.
The cherry on top is my tiredness.. sigh.. i mean come on, napping and still feeling exhasted all the time?? Ugh!
But overall, im still really excited.. odd right?

8 weeks.. pretty freakin awesome

Sunday, January 22, 2012


Ok. Second gripe with pregnancy... Feeling like you want to puke your soul out ALL THE DAMN TIME.
ugh, its the worse.
Its so tough to deal with.
For instance, it is now 4 am and I can't sleep because I feel like vomiting. Eating would help but I've got no appetite because I feel like vomiting. This cycle is never ending.
I hate it.
Nothing wrong with pregnancy... It's great and beautiful in the grand scale. But the small details.... Like feeling itchy and eating like a pig.. and/or throwing up, or just making the face.. and the random cravings. Those things make pregoness... One messy ride. I wouldn't recommend it to someone of weak will.
Sigh I'm so tired...
I'm gonna try and sleep but I'd love some IKEA pizza right now.......

Thursday, January 19, 2012

I'm so tired...

Biggest thing about the pregoness... how much energy it requires. 
It's so tiring... I wish I could put it into words but I can't .. I'm too tired. :(
To tip off the ice cream sundae, I barely get any sleep at home, and I work full time hours currently... work is a stressor in it's own accord.
I'm supposed to be filming you know.. but I'm too tired.
I can't even say, I can't film because I'm tired and I'm resting.. no. That's not the case. The case is that I'm too busy + I'm too tired = I don't feel like it. so... I won't..


What it really is that harboring another human life requires a LOT of energy. I mean think about it, it's a human life. That's not something to take lightly. So this baby has been sucking my living soul out of me. Almost literally. Not that I wouldn't give my soul to my child if I needed to, but doing it this way, and not being able to talk about it really... is hard.

I wanna cry. I'm that tired.

My bestie say's that children (babies to be exact) are parasites and that's why I feel this way.
But she'll love my kid to death anyway.
Gotta love the best friend.

Any-who.. I'm at work (begrudgingly).. so I'm going to try and get some work done. Sigh..

I'm so tired...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Can I feel any worse??

So I haven't posted in quite some time, and there are plenty of reason's behind that.
I know everything is a little confusing, and as I said from the start of this that I would be blunt and honest, I've came to the conclusion that hiding any information from my blog would be like trying to hide information from myself, and this information is something that would be near IMPOSSIBLE to hide from myself. So let me get to the point...

I'm pregnant.

Yes, take it in for a moment. But wait there's more.

I'm actually kinda happy.

The only thing that doesn't make me happy is how other people will feel about the news. Of course the first thoughts that would drop into their mind would be.. "OH NO!" "She's so young!!" "How could she do that to her life??" "Now what will she do?" "Another irresponsible teen/adult!!" "Blashpheme!!" "Abortion!!" "SHE'S DONE FOR!!"

But truthfully, I don't believe any of that bullshit. My life will be just fine. I'll just have an addition to it.
Honestly think of it this way if it makes you feel better. I've been an adult/parent all my life. I did a short bought of being a teen and the people in my life didn't like it anyway, so oh well.
Let me answer all of your burning questions...

Who is the father?? L

Whaaaa?? Yes, I know, I've only known him for a month.. well I've only dated him for a month. But it happened. Life happens. And we deal. If you get a paper cut, the world doesn't end. If you get a scar, it doesn't end either.. even though you have to live with that scar and the consequences of that scar for the rest of your life. (*note: not that im calling my child a scar, it's a beautiful entity that I welcome into this terrible world)

Does the father know?? Yes

How does he feel about it?? He's scared. But excited too, and happy to share this experience with me. He really does love me (fuck all those who say otherwise.. if I do end up finding out that he's lying.. that's life too, I'll deal)

Are you going to keep it?? Yes

Did you tell your parents/family?? No, and I don't plan on doing so.. at least not yet. I'll cross that bridge when I feel like it's safe to. Honestly I think my mother would kill me and my father would die. 

What are you going to do now?? Ahh, the famous question. I'm going to live. It's going to be hard at first, but I've got people who love and care about me helping me through this. Having a child is not terrible. I'm going to continue doing what's best for me, but now i't'll be more of what's best for my child, but still me too. We're a team now...

I still have dreams, and believe or not they're still achiveable. Even with a child.. GASP!!

I haven't told anyone at work yet, but I plan too. So far only a few good friends and L know. I'm 7 weeks.. surprise!.. so I'm not showing yet but I've got every symptom in the book, aside from vomiting (and that may not be for long.. not vomiting is a serious struggle). But with help I've been managing so far..

Even though these symptoms are killing me, and I can't even complain out loud because people will look at me like "WTF" so.. yeah.. I gotta deal.. sigh.

I see the doc again on the 31st. I'm excited to hear a heartbeat..
But till then... Can I feel any worse??
Stay tuned for additional messy life info

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


While no ones paying attention, ill whisper in your ear.. 6 more weeks to go love, 6 sweet weeks my dear

Saturday, January 7, 2012

I feel like shit...

I spent all night, trying to clean my room. I feel successful. I managed to throw a lot of crap out. So I'm happy about that. Still doesn't change the fact that I still feel like a stranger in my own home. I hate going to that place. Oh well.
I'm dead tired. I feel dead. The nausea has subsided, for the moment.
OH.. ahh. I didn't tell you about that.. oh well. You'll figure it out.
But anyway, I feel alright, aside from being feeling like shit. sigh.

I'm so tired. and stressed out.

But on a less shittier note, I got 3 A's and 1 B for this semester.
A, A+, A-, B+
Pretty fucking awesome if you ask me, because if you look back to my previous posts I thought I was going to fail.

I'm so tired.

Next semester will be better, or it shall be the same. Last semester was similar. I got three A's and 1 B.
So yeah...

Now I'm cold.

January 10th is approaching at a speedy rate. I'm really excited. Which is weird, but also expected.
I just hope that everything is ok. I hope everything works out. Deep down, I feel like everything will be alright. But who knows. There's a lot to think about, and a lot to do. So many things, so little time.

sigh.. I'm so tired.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Im proud of myself

I have to say, I'm proud of myself for this blog. Despite that fact that no one see's it... I feel really accomplished for getting these thought's out there in the open. I encourage people to read, and try to understand. I know it may seem vauge and a little confusing most of the time (who am i kidding?? it's hella confusing, all the time), but it's me... As stripped away as i've ever been. It makes sense that it makes no sense..
Which is why im so proud. I've made it very far.. and i've got so much more to go..

How many lies does it take?

So im still stuck.. lying. It's tiring. I don't like lying, but she (the mom) doesn't like the truth.. so now what. She hates that I  lie. But she hates when i tell the truth.. she hates everything, so I guess it doesn't matter. Does it?

One day, i'll be free. To do as I see fit, and say as I see fit. There will be no lying, because I won't need to, those who I will surround myself with will know the truth. They know the truth now so.. it's only you... Her... The mother

I mean, things can only get worse from this point .. well worse for this part of my life. In other parts they can only get better.

There's so much going on.. im so scared. Because I want my freedom so bad, and it's looking less and less like I will achieve it. Im trying so hard, I really am.

I want it all to work out. I want to be free to live like I want. I want to be able to love like I want. I want to be able to study, work, film, dance, sing, laugh, act... Like I want.
For myself.. for once..

But for now.. i have to live the lie within the lie.. lying my way through the tunnel.. until it ends..

Monday, January 2, 2012

Eating Goldfish

So im in Target, eating goldfish, feeling unaccomplished.
I was supposed to pick up a camera today, again. It's almost 3.. I told him he'd see me at 10 am. Wtf was i thinking?? But thats besides the point.
I still feel like a stranger in my own home, my own walls. In the company of those that are supposed to love and care about me , im an evil alien that cares about no one but herself.
But i mean, what's wrong with caring about yourself? Especially when you've devoted so much of your life to others...

Which is worse.. hurting others so that they can't hurt you anymore.. or letting yourself be hurt so that you don't hurt others??

I'll ponder that while i eat my goldfish...

Sunday, January 1, 2012

I'm trying not to hate

Im trying not to hate myself.. because im not the one that should be hated.
Im trying not to hate those around me.. whether or not they deserve it.
Im trying not to fall into my own trap of acceptance.
But is letting it be accepting??
Is not caring... Letting it be??
All i want to be is alone.
But again misery loves company.. and misery hates you when you can't provide that..
Or rather when you won't. Or you don't.

I feel like an outsider in my own home..
No one should feel that way..
To me that just means that it's not a home...
They have no idea whats going on, what they're doing. The damage... The end result will only be war.
War with oneself.
Because i've decided im leaving... And im not taking pain with me.
I don't care any more.
I can't.. so i won't..
Im just trying not to hate

The Problem

Last night... I spoke with L and he layed down some pretty heavy stuff.
To be blunt.. (because I have now lost the opportunity to be able to do an honest video diary on this I'll have to get back to that later)
He told me that I have to grow up. I have to make those choices in life that I seem to be ignoring. I have to start living for myself. Because honestly Im pushing away anyone who wants to get close to me because im so stuck in the bowels of the hell that I surround myself in.

^ It's a lot.. I know.. and it doesn't make much sense right now so let's break it down.
Let's get to the root of all this evil...

My mother.
She is the succubus and weight in my life. Although I realized this slightly the other day, I didn't realize how bad it was. I didn't realize how much she was destroying me and my life. and how much in turn i was destroying the lives of others. I'd get close to people and then toy with how much i allow them into my life. It's weird, because it's kinda like lying to them.. even if you're telling them the truth.

What ends up happening with my mother is that she doesn't want me to have a life. *this is mostly because she didn't have one, therefore it only makes sense to keep the perpetual cycle going huh??*
And of course misery loves company, misery thrives off best friends, forced or not. This leaves me so drained and depressed that I then reflect that on my friends and those closest to me (outside of my family... although Im not close with them anymore....) So then I become the misery.. that's looking for company.. And who the fuck wants to deal with that??
It doesn't take me long to catch onto this so in an effort not to continue hurting them, or dragging them down. I pull myself away.. and push them away... and I runaway.

Of course this leaves no one happy. especially me. so again with the perpetual cycle of misery.

(*i wonder if my grandmother was a miserable child.. I believe so...)

So there we have it. The problem..

I have to get out of this misery.. Or i will die in it. Because I'm not going to allow anyone to get close enough to date me, or marry me, or have children with me, or love me. I'll be more concerned with having the cycle end... with me.
But it doesn't have to end with me soaking up the pain.
I can be happy.
I have to remove myself from the company of misery.

This is what L told me last night.
And I broke down.. Because those were his words not mine.. and yet those are the words that my soul is screaming, begging, to be heard.
For the first time in my entire life. Someone understood the complexities and yet the simplicities of my life.. in fact better than I.
I thought it was my mother fostering this deadly relationship, when in fact it is me.
I am the one allowing myself to be here, in the company of misery.

L offered to help, he wants to be with me. But he cannot and will not be with misery.
I understand..
And that is when i realized that I could lose him. And that is when I realized I didn't want to lose anyone anymore... especially him. I nearly died when he spoke those words, hugged me, kissed my forehead softly and then walked away. I felt I was losing him right then and there. And with him.. a part of me left.
I want that part back, I don't want to lose him... I don't want to be miserable, and I don't want to have to be.

I guess. this has been my problem all along. I thought it was me. I figured it has to be me.. but it's not.. It's the misery. that's perpetually. tearing down my family..
^I can't help it.. i am a poet in every fiber of my being.

So now, it's do or die. (well not really, it's do or be miserable for the rest of my life.. and to me that's like death)
I guess...
I have to make some changes.....


So here we are.
As we embark on a new year. Let's remind ourselves... life isn't depressing.. we just look at it that way.
Let's find joy in pickles in our sandwiches, and hearing your favorite song through someone else's ipod on the subway... the little things in life

Spend time with those you love.. and those who love you back
Love yourself..even if you don't feel like it.because it's so much more fun

And don't forget to fill life with more parables. it's all hieroglyphics if we think about it. embrace the unknown and accept the unintangible.

I am not only saying this to you, but to myself, and to those closest to me and those far away. I think about you all. I love you all. Even if you like it or not.

And as you read this (meaning no one...) remember me as i remember you, a familiar stranger in passing
with wishes for a happy. new. year (even though it'll feel not much different from the last... :)