Sunday, January 1, 2012

The Problem

Last night... I spoke with L and he layed down some pretty heavy stuff.
To be blunt.. (because I have now lost the opportunity to be able to do an honest video diary on this I'll have to get back to that later)
He told me that I have to grow up. I have to make those choices in life that I seem to be ignoring. I have to start living for myself. Because honestly Im pushing away anyone who wants to get close to me because im so stuck in the bowels of the hell that I surround myself in.

^ It's a lot.. I know.. and it doesn't make much sense right now so let's break it down.
Let's get to the root of all this evil...

My mother.
She is the succubus and weight in my life. Although I realized this slightly the other day, I didn't realize how bad it was. I didn't realize how much she was destroying me and my life. and how much in turn i was destroying the lives of others. I'd get close to people and then toy with how much i allow them into my life. It's weird, because it's kinda like lying to them.. even if you're telling them the truth.

What ends up happening with my mother is that she doesn't want me to have a life. *this is mostly because she didn't have one, therefore it only makes sense to keep the perpetual cycle going huh??*
And of course misery loves company, misery thrives off best friends, forced or not. This leaves me so drained and depressed that I then reflect that on my friends and those closest to me (outside of my family... although Im not close with them anymore....) So then I become the misery.. that's looking for company.. And who the fuck wants to deal with that??
It doesn't take me long to catch onto this so in an effort not to continue hurting them, or dragging them down. I pull myself away.. and push them away... and I runaway.

Of course this leaves no one happy. especially me. so again with the perpetual cycle of misery.

(*i wonder if my grandmother was a miserable child.. I believe so...)

So there we have it. The problem..

I have to get out of this misery.. Or i will die in it. Because I'm not going to allow anyone to get close enough to date me, or marry me, or have children with me, or love me. I'll be more concerned with having the cycle end... with me.
But it doesn't have to end with me soaking up the pain.
I can be happy.
I have to remove myself from the company of misery.

This is what L told me last night.
And I broke down.. Because those were his words not mine.. and yet those are the words that my soul is screaming, begging, to be heard.
For the first time in my entire life. Someone understood the complexities and yet the simplicities of my life.. in fact better than I.
I thought it was my mother fostering this deadly relationship, when in fact it is me.
I am the one allowing myself to be here, in the company of misery.

L offered to help, he wants to be with me. But he cannot and will not be with misery.
I understand..
And that is when i realized that I could lose him. And that is when I realized I didn't want to lose anyone anymore... especially him. I nearly died when he spoke those words, hugged me, kissed my forehead softly and then walked away. I felt I was losing him right then and there. And with him.. a part of me left.
I want that part back, I don't want to lose him... I don't want to be miserable, and I don't want to have to be.

I guess. this has been my problem all along. I thought it was me. I figured it has to be me.. but it's not.. It's the misery. that's perpetually. tearing down my family..
^I can't help it.. i am a poet in every fiber of my being.

So now, it's do or die. (well not really, it's do or be miserable for the rest of my life.. and to me that's like death)
I guess...
I have to make some changes.....

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