Monday, February 27, 2012
And in order to make the mood more comfortable she offers to "sing and dance" for you...
And the vision of you sitting in a tub waiting to push a baby out and your mother standing in front of you singing and dancing with candles surrounding her, and the epic look on your face.. flashes through your mind..
That is when you know your family is awesome..
I started laughing so hard, I squirted some tears. That vision will be stuck in my mind all day..
No mom, we're not going to sing and dance.. maybe after the baby is born... maybe..
My skin!! During pregnancy... I can't handle how itchy I am. All the darn time.. Yes.. It's very annoying
I'm dry and itchy everywhere all the darn time. It's gotten to a point where I get pissed whenever I have to scratch. Like I want to fight my skin. Hand to hand combat.. If only..I'll tell you this, I wouldn't be itchy anymore.
But alas! We cannot fight our own skin. All we can do is succumb to it's nasty attitude and do as it says.
But honestly.. is it really possible to moisturize your skin.. all the darn time?? No.. well not unless you're home all day. Which I am most definitely not. Actually I don't think I spend more than 10 hours at home.
And I try to fit in about 7 hours of sleep so... do the math, I have to stop and scratch my darn back!
I can't with this skin.. it's killing me. I need some help and I need it ASAP.
I was walking out of the subway.. and BAM! tears.. I couldn't control it.
I didn't stop until I was two steps away from the office I work at.
I was walking in the kitchen to put my lunch in the fridge.. and BAM! I felt like crying again.
I don't know what's up.
I know last week was rough, but I'm trying to make this week better.
I think I'm feeling these emotions because I bottled so much up last week. I was trying not to stress for the baby and unfortunately I constitute that with not feeling. so I ended up just stuffing it away like I always do.
I really worry about when I do this. I know it's not healthy, but I have no idea how to get out of the habit. I'm also positive that this isn't something that I want to teach to my child. There are healthy, constructive ways to feel and deal with emotions. However, no matter how much I tell myself that, I just can't seem to practice it. I get in this mode where it's like.. "Calm down...breathe.. push the feelings away." Then later on I think.. "Wait, that last part isn't right?..." I know I should talk to someone, but for some reason I don't feel like it's appropriate, or that they would understand (there's a laundry list of reason's I give for bottling up my feelings) And then slowly but surely I start to leak until I burst, and that's no fun for anyone... especially baby.
I have to get some help....
Mostly I learn to appreciate the weird things people do.. we are all alike, no matter what anyone else ever says or ever thinks.. "we're not so different.. you and I"...
And I've learned to appreciate going on the bridge.
Whenever I'm traveling with my boyfriend and we go over the bridge he always.. and I mean always kisses me as we're going over the water. It's kinda romantic and weird at the same time, but I love it.
I've learned that the world is a dirty place.. wash your hands, but don't fear everything. You can only know but so much, and there are germs everywhere.
I also think the subway system here is the most diverse and cultured congregation of people. You can find everyone down here.. on the same train, in the same car, sitting next to each other. It's beautiful actually. If the world was more like the NYC subway system maybe (and this is a very weary maybe) just maybe we'd have some type of peace.
But overall, no matter how crazy it may be sometimes, I can safely tell you that every ride is interesting..
Water births are actually fairly new to the West, and the U.S. especially. However it's been a practice in the East for centries.. documented mostly in France and Russia. I know currently it's a big deal in the U.K. I'll link more details about water births below, but trust that I've done my research and it's what I want.. hands down. The only other way I'd consider otherwise is if I found out magically that I'm having multiples (of any number).
But as I've been on the search for a place to give birth (which for some odd reason has gotten me flustered and rushed) I found that water births are definitely something not normally done here in the U.S. and it definitely doesn't look like it for people who have government insurance.
There are a limited number of birthing centers in NYC. That also includes hospitals that have jacuzzi tubs that can be used for water births. To top of the cherry, it's only really customary for midwives to deliver through water births. There are a wide range of midwives in NYC, but very very few who take and/or are covered by government insurance. This dillemma has left me in quite a bind.
I stumbled on an really cool birthing center not too far from me, but it's small (there's only two room, and one tub) so there is a chance that when it comes time for me to gice birth I may have no choice but to push in their living/waiting room or in the nearby hospital. And that I don't want. I'd be upset if that happened (as a result of where I chose to give birth, not due to any type of medical situation or emergency). That birthing center also doesn't do sonograms, so I wouldn't get to see my baby until he/she arrived.. and I want some pre-birth pics of the little jumper.
So now, I've been struggling to find some midwife hiding under an obscure rock to accept/be covered by my insurance and be lovely and warm and understanding and caring and to wonderfully deliver my beautiful child in the most loving way.. in a great tub of water!
I imaginine it's so nice.. so now I just have to make it happen.. :(
Unfortunately in the mean time, people are getting concerned and want me to compromise. And don't get me wrong, I have area's of lee-way.
Like allowing an OBGYN to deliver my baby, as long as "she" was super awesome and would do so via water birth.
I think that's my only compromise actually.. bleh. At least im creating doors for options. But I know I deserve the best and so does my child. So i deserve to get the birthing experience I want, and unless some type of medical emergency says otherwise.. I'm having a water birth.
I don't think that's too bad.
What do you think?
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Filing my FAFSA.. that has really been putting a dent in my pocket because I'm eligible for financial aid money back for books and other school stuff (like a new charger!) but I can't get that money until I file so.. yeah.
Finding a doctor.. I can't really do that until the week, but I can do some research until then
I also need to find a nutritionists, a dermatologist, and a psychologist (or family counselor, parent preparer.. or whatever I need a better grasp on how im gonna get tangled me.. into a mommy).. so..yeah
Then I'm also like 2 weeks behind on homework.. so .. yeah..
And there's some other stuff that I can't think of right now.
I also have to re-organize my room, so we'll see how that goes. But I'm also thinking about taking a day off work so that I have a day to organize my life some more. Who knows, we'll see how that goes.
But I'm hoping that I can get myself together by the end of this week. I would really like to get myself together that would make me so so so so happy! :)
So it's time to take care of business.
That's very difficult to do by the way.
Not to mention that my life is so fucking complicated. And I'm so busy all the damn time.
And of course I'm pregnant.
Not that that's an excuse or anything... it just means that my energy is cut in half, before the day even begins. Then I have to make the rest extend for work and school, so by the time I get home, or I have time to film... I'm so tired, that I'm just like "fuck it" and I go to sleep.
It's like there's always so much to do, in so little time. It's a little upsetting.
On top of that. I haven't been able to be inspired by a want to capture a visual.
Let me better phrase that.
Prior to all this mess.. well prior to life... I would have a visual in my mind (a sort of vision) that I wanted to recreate, or capture so that I can share it with the world.
More recently, I that hasn't been happening.
In fact, now... it's been that I have words.. in my mind still.. that I want to share with the world. But I'm still a filmmaker, so I have to add a visual that I can capture so that I can visually express what to say.
It would be very boring if I was just sitting in front of the camera talking or reading to it.
I'm sure you wouldn't buy a movie ticket to see that. I wouldn't either.
So here I am.. trying to live. And trying to show the world... at the same time.
I guess if you think about it.. it's not much different from living and writing a blog at the same time.
Well, except blogs don't necessarily need to be cinema verite... no one really cares when it was written, as long as it's a showcase of your life..
But I digress, because I'll end up whining for a very long time if I keep this up.
I just have to trust in myself, and my talent, and in the people who have taught me well.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Oddly enough, even if i've seen you once in passing on the train, I can remember your face. I saw this guy on the train this morning that I recognized. I was like "hey! It's that guy!" I don't know him from crop to creek, but we rode the same train.. in the same car.. sitting right across from each other a couple of times.
Having said that, yes I people watch. Not in the "Creeper!" Way.. but more like "people are interesting creatures" way.
Another weird thing... Ever since I got pregnant, my senses are like super heightened. No smell, sound, flicker, gets pass me. This also goes for my supernatural senses. ( i.e. i can see clearer scenes of the future.. and not only when I sleep, they seep into my life like a side film. And I can better sense loitering spirits)
I'm just weird I guess...
What about you?
I was able to tell myself I wasn't pregnant for the first month. Then the nausea slapped me and said "really??"
But I seriously forget that I've got a human (tiny or not) growing and changing and flipping inside my uterus. (Remember little girls babies grow in the "uterus" not the "stomach". Stomaches are too acid and gross for that.. :)
How can I not forget though??
I can't feel anything. I still feel the same... Aside from my extreme lack of appetite, nausea, heightened sense, etc...
Sigh.. I'm tired.
I know by month 5 (i think.. odd contradiction, I know) i'll be sucking my words back through a straw, because this active ass baby is going to make himself or herself known.. well known.
So by then I won't forget..
Until then.. sometimes I forget.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Imagine being pregnant working a full-time part-time job, going to school full-time night-time and holding a proactive dream of wanting to be a filmmaker...
Does that sound like your average pregnant teen?? No.
Because a good 70% of them have familial, outside, or government support. Im running on just limited familial support. While still trying to solidify my independance. I'm responsible for a family already and it's my own. You don't catch many teen mothers doing that. Especially the ones we see celebrified on TV.. no, that is not real life.
Life is cake and ice cream, then shit and piss, then back to cake and ice cream. It's a delicate balance. You have to be ready, willing, and able to accept it for what it is. I do that.. every time I wake up, and every time I go to sleep. I gripe and moan, but I think I'm the most optimistic chick on the block, because I understand and accept. And I'm proactive about making the changes I need in my life. I do what I can, whatever I can.. and push my limits, but don't fight them.
I'm a super not so super woman. I'm a lot of things actually, but i'm not a teen mom. I'm not a statistic. I have a name. And my skin does not make me who I am, it's a mere physical characteristic. I am me... Who are you??
I write poetry, and i'm damn good at it.
I make films and I think I'm a baby currently, but I know I have potential to be legendary. And that doesn't mean famous, just remembered.
I love the world, even when it doesn't love me back.
I expect the world of myself, but only because I know I am the world...
I think im extrordinarily ordinary..
I've got the world on my shoulders, but I carry it well.
I can do anything, I can be anything. I am a lot of things...But I am not a teen mom.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Rent is coming up.. no money for that. and it's looking like I can't find money in the fucking air so I'm just going to have to manipulate my mind to make money appear from some fucking where.
Then my laptop can't charge because for some odd reason the charger chose now.. yes now.. to stop working, to pop that cherry I'm not even sure I still have my Apple Care, and I can't afford to reinstate that (if it is in fact expired) because... well... I can't afford anything right now.
L just lost his job.. and he's sulking about it.. and that's the it... Can you catch any frustration in that statement?? I can.
Oh plus, I've got footage due, like yesterday.. well the day before yesterday. And I haven't done shit.
I'm so fucking stressed. And stressing over my stress, is stressing me out. It's like a fuckball of stress!
This of course is upsetting the baby, who is in return upsetting my stomach. So I can't really eat, but I'm starving. But I don't really feel like eating. Ginger Ale is not helping and I gave up on the fucking crackers months ago. I'm probably gonna throw up later.
In total, this week has been kicking the shit out of me. I thought I was getting somewhere yesterday, only to fall flat on my face today. Fuck You!
(I don't know who that was meant for..)
And I'm fucking freezing at work, it's like cold air blowing on me... all fucking day. Maybe I have a fever or some shit, because no one else seems to be shitting over it except me. So I'll keep my mouth shut and suffer. fml
I've got tons of homework to do, and tons of shit to figure out. Tons of shit.. It's a fucking shit fest. I can't.
I want to complain, but I feel like I have no one to complain to. Like my gripe doesn't mean shit. Which of course, I'm assuming it doesn't. Well at least to the rest of the world. They're like.... "who really gives a fuck? I don't". ... To that I say, "Fuck You!, but I gotta give you that". This is life, I understand that. It's bullshit on top of shitty bullshit. You just gotta roll with the punches and take em. Yes you can fight, but I'm working with no fist right now so... that's not gonna be a pretty fight. And honestly what can anyone really do for me. I'd much rather just do for myself. I don't want anyone thinking I owe them shit. Fuck You! .... again.
So I'm here. On my blog. At work, I'm supposed to be working on something. Sigh. I'll finish that up and then waste my life away on the train home. And then figure out how fucked up my life really is.
I swear, if it wasn't for this baby. I'd have called it shit a long time ago.
Every time I feel like shit has hit the fan, I just look at the sonograms. And all I can think is "Weeeee!" as I stare at my baby caught somersaulting in my uterus. That's one lucky baby. I'm one lucky mommy. And this is one hell of a life. But we're doing it together (and we're not alone..even if it feels like it, I swear I'm the only one stressing this much!). And I'll do whatever it takes (aside from anything that I.. yes I consider morally (although I'm not too fond of that word..) not good) to make this hell of a life a golden ( I prefer silver though..) Silver life.. for my baby.
But when faced with becoming a parent in the near future it's like those wants become needs.
Even though there's always been things i've wanted, I've lived a rough life, so practicality was key, and I've never wanted beyond simple means. A rough over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and shoes on my feet. Of course like many other teens my age I also wanted those things I couldn't get. The newest tech (cell phone, tv, laptop, ipod,etc.).. well, even in that I was practical. Like, who the hell really needs the latest fashion? I like to dress how I feel comfortable. Sometimes that's fashionable, other times it's not. It's about me when I get dressed, not the world. So far I haven't gotten very much negative feedback on my wardrobe, poor and all. (Btw that's very different while pregnant, it's a battle not to look fat.) The same goes for shoes, if I found a pair that I loved and found comfortable to wear everyday, I'd wear them every goddamn day. Although, I do love a nice variety.. I don't need shoes that cost 800 fucking dollars. $45 suits me just fine, cuz they'll last me forever... Well until I wear them out. Those type of things drive people my age crazy, they'll sell drugs and their souls for a new pair of Jordan's.. fuck that, I'll stick with Payless.
But as I've gotten older, and now that I'm expecting, I find myself wanting things for my child not myself. I'm still practical though...
For instance. My mom wants an uber expensive bedroom set for the baby (she was looking at the one Mario Lopez got for his son...). I'm like we need a room for the baby first. Last I checked....
And by no means am I bringing my child to that shit of an apartment we have now. Don't get me wrong, it's better than being homeless, but it's depressing.
But I digress, I prefer something natural. I've always wanted something handcrafted. I wish I was a carpenter.. I'd build my own set for my child. If I have to spend money I want it to be made with heart and soul, something special. Not something everyone else has. (Actually, I've always thought that way...) I want my baby to grow in the bed set, and have memories of tracing the carvings and etchings as she or he went to sleep... Dreaming of the wonders of the world, of possibility and feeling loved. You can't create memories from generics. I want sensory memories for my baby. Wonderfully distinct smells and sounds. Laughter and happiness. The simple things, that mean so much.
Is that too much to ask for?
Does that sound too expensive??
It feels like it does...
I think the biggest reason why I find that simplicity to be so hard to obtain is because you need a home to have it in.
And a home is expensive.
My mother has struggled all her life to obtain a home for herself.. for us..
We still don't have that.
And I want that for her, for us, for mine.. but it seems so unachieveable.. and that's scary.
I mean, we all have things we want.... But do we ever think about how we're gonna get them?
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I tried to write poetry, the words come out sublime.
I whispered calling for the words i lost them every time
Do you see my eyes dialated nothing for the world to see
It slips away past the stolen water sleeping beside me
Skies aren't blue when in full bloom
Dark laughter bends backward reaching for the moon
Its only the frame, empty to the brim
Gorged with seeds of yesterday, tomorrow looked too grim
Alast the everlasting stiched onto the fabric of time
While i tried to write poetry the words come out sublime
Really it's just that, everything is overwhelming. Bleh.
I'm 12 weeks pregnant now. And I already feel fat. I'm showing.. and that's probably because I had quite a belly before baby, so baby is just making my belly more pronounced. Doc wanted me to cut back on sugar because I was overweight prior to baby. But I just lost like 10 lbs so.... and the baby likes sugar so.... I don't like deprivation. But that's besides the point.
I've been trying for some time to put my emotions in a format that I can understand enough to explain, but really it just feels like a jumble of jumble of word jumble. So it kinda looks like this:
So yeah, I'm up at 2:27 in the morning and instead of doing homework I'm stressing out. Oh.. and I'm watching the United States of Tara (which is an amazing show.. <3)
So it's just been tough for me, getting these things together.. and out. I don't know. I'm not really concentrating on writing this. So maybe I should formulate my mind better. I'm gonna try and get some more homework done. and then maybe think about achieving some sleep.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
So I guess updates are due, before I get to the story of the day:
- Nausea has subsided for the most part. But every once in a while it smacks me in the mouth, and I can't help but making a face.
- Headaches are coming in now.. and that's causing some terrible nausea and vomiting... so yeah..
- Mom is on board! She wants a girl, and she's still a little bitter at times, but she's my mother and I love her and she loves me and she's an amazing woman.. *I'm tearing up..*
- On that same note, our relationship has gotten better by ten fold.
- My relationship with my g-mom on the other hand, has not. She'll come around once the baby is born.
- My bestie V and I are now an item.. So I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend .. and a fetus!! So much love!!!
- L is being great.. we don't get to spend as much time together but we're working on that.
- I've been thinking about baby names so far I've got:
- Nix (maybe..)
- Any more suggestions??
- Uhh.. Oh! Energy levels has increased.. slightly. I can manage through a day.. mornings are still tough. Mom has advised that I start a routine. That sounds like a really good idea, whether or not I'll follow through.. who knows..
- Hmm.. I've managed to film some stuff thanks to the lil bro and my film instructor. Great footage, but I still have so much more work to do. Gotta get my shit together. It's crunch time.
- Hmm. Oh.. I haven't broken the news to my father yet. sigh.. I am dreading that, but my mom is like.. howabout Sunday?? so it's kinda been settled that my dad sit with me and L and we break the great (in our eyes) news.. I hope he doesn't have a heart attack...
So, I guess I kinda gotta recap right? I'm sure you're burning to know what the fuck happened that derailed me to such an extend (after I was just praising myself for consistency..)
Well, 2 weeks back I had a hernia scare. Docs were worried about el bebe, so had to take care of that... Then immediately following I attempted the cinnamon challenge. (Look it up on youtube if you're not sure what that is..) To make that long story short, I had a terrible.. i repeat terrible allergic reaction. It kept me out of commision for an entire week.
To top that sundae off with a wonderful cherry, the moms learned of the baby. It's been a rollercoaster with her since. At first she was like whatever.. then she was upset.. and then her "upset" got progressively worse. She began bargining ANYTHING to get me to have an abortion. Then she pulled her best card yet. "Me or the baby..." Meaning that if I didn't take the baby's life, she would take hers... Yeah, I know.. off her rockers. Anyway, that devestated me, because I could see she was already destroying herself slowly. I also knew that if I got rid of my baby, I would perish.. in that fashion exactly.. I would fall apart. I knew this entrinsicly.
Thankfully, I had great guidance from my best friend, my boyfriend, and my film instructors... So I'm going to stick to my plan to live my life, and anyone not on that boat can suck it. Except my mom... I'll drag her on a booey...
So now... I've got the first pic of babe. At 9 weeks. Heartbeat of 165 per minute