Thursday, February 23, 2012

We all have things we want...

There's always been things I've wanted.
But when faced with becoming a parent in the near future it's like those wants become needs.
Even though there's always been things i've wanted, I've lived a rough life, so practicality was key, and I've never wanted beyond simple means. A rough over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and shoes on my feet. Of course like many other teens my age I also wanted those things I couldn't get. The newest tech (cell phone, tv, laptop, ipod,etc.).. well, even in that I was practical. Like, who the hell really needs the latest fashion? I like to dress how I feel comfortable. Sometimes that's fashionable, other times it's not. It's about me when I get dressed, not the world. So far I haven't gotten very much negative feedback on my wardrobe, poor and all. (Btw that's very different while pregnant, it's a battle not to look fat.) The same goes for shoes, if I found a pair that I loved and found comfortable to wear everyday, I'd wear them every goddamn day. Although, I do love a nice variety.. I don't need shoes that cost 800 fucking dollars. $45 suits me just fine, cuz they'll last me forever... Well until I wear them out. Those type of things drive people my age crazy, they'll sell drugs and their souls for a new pair of Jordan's.. fuck that, I'll stick with Payless.
But as I've gotten older, and now that I'm expecting, I find myself wanting things for my child not myself. I'm still practical though...

For instance. My mom wants an uber expensive bedroom set for the baby (she was looking at the one Mario Lopez got for his son...). I'm like we need a room for the baby first. Last I checked....

And by no means am I bringing my child to that shit of an apartment we have now. Don't get me wrong, it's better than being homeless, but it's depressing.
But I digress, I prefer something natural. I've always wanted something handcrafted. I wish I was a carpenter.. I'd build my own set for my child. If I have to spend money I want it to be made with heart and soul, something special. Not something everyone else has. (Actually, I've always thought that way...) I want my baby to grow in the bed set, and have memories of tracing the carvings and etchings as she or he went to sleep... Dreaming of the wonders of the world, of possibility and feeling loved. You can't create memories from generics. I want sensory memories for my baby. Wonderfully distinct smells and sounds. Laughter and happiness. The simple things, that mean so much.
Is that too much to ask for?
Does that sound too expensive??

It feels like it does...

I think the biggest reason why I find that simplicity to be so hard to obtain is because you need a home to have it in.

And a home is expensive.

My mother has struggled all her life to obtain a home for herself.. for us.. 
We still don't have that.
And I want that for her, for us, for mine.. but it seems so unachieveable.. and that's scary.

I mean, we all have things we want.... But do we ever think about how we're gonna get them?

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