Thursday, March 15, 2012

Weird Growth

So, I'm starting to show!
And I can feel, yes literally feel my uterus growing.
My belly button hurts (constantly) and my stomach is stretching (it feels like it's just done a serious workout).
I'm really excited about these developments, despite the uncomfortable pain.
My left hip is killing me. like KILLING me. But I'm still really excited.

Wooo!! More growth to come.. :D

15 weeks!

It's amazing how fast time goes by when you're counting it.
Not just when you're paying attention, but when you're logging the time increments as they flow by.
I feel like I went from 8 weeks prego to 15 in like 2 days.
Of course I know this to be impossible, it's just that it feels like my life is sped up.
Although in context of a 9 month, 37 week pregnancy 15 is nothing.. so I still sometimes feel like I've gotten nowhere in the pregnancy.
Well, I had the initial midwife visit last week. It wasn't too bad. I wasn't really expecting a magical bonding moment.. in fact it was quite similar to seeing a doc. So I'm quite confident about my midwife experience.
Only downfall was that I was there for about 5 hours in total.
There was a birth the night before so midwives were dropping like flies, overworked and tired many went home. And while I was there another woman was in labor.. however she wasn't progressing so they transferred her to the hospital. She looked tired and emotional. I wanted to go give her a hug, hold her hand, and tell her.. it'll all be worth it. I wished her and the baby the best.
I worry about that sometimes.
That the birth won't be as I planned it. And a complication may arise with either me or the baby. And I'll end up in the hospital, heartbroken. My mom tells me to prepare myself for that. And I know I have to prepare myself for anything. But I don't want to.. I want it to be beautiful. Even if it's not perfect.. I want it to be special. Well I've got time, so we'll see. I can only do the best I can.. and leave it in the hands of God.
But on a upper note, I still feel confident about everything.
The baby is developing normally, and I'm started to feel us connecting. He or she makes me laugh all the time. It just bubbles out of me. I'm not sure yet, but I think my baby likes my laugh..  :}
I see a lot of laughter in the future, and I couldn't ask for anything different.
I can't wait to find out the babies gender.. I'm excited to start imagining a little boy or girl. People always ask me what I want.. and I don't have much of a preference, but I think I want a girl.
We're still on the search for names, but there's been more added to the list.
Girl: Meadow, Autumn, Summer, Willow, Tuesday, Pheonix
Boy: Xavier, Egypt, Cairo... I need more.

so this is getting like super long, so I'll cap it here for now. Stay Tuned!!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Paper Cranes

While on the train this morning... running incredibly late to work, a older women sat next to me.

She was Asian, I'm not exactly sure what nationality.
She sat down and got herself comfortable before the train took off.
Immediately I noticed a small piece of paper in her hands, it looked like the back of a receipt.
She adjusted herself before she began folding the tiny piece of paper.
It didn't take me long to recognize the origami figure as a paper crane.
*This is because in elementary school we read a book titled Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes by Eleanor Coerr. We then had to make a thousand paper cranes... I can do it in my sleep now.

Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes

This tiny, frail women had such strong hands. They asserted themselves over this small paper to create a beautiful shape. The receipt went from nothing to something and it was given new life.
As I sat there and watched this women (from the corner of my eye of course because head on would have been very creepy) I felt the strong urge to take her hands and press them against my cheek.

I had learned something from this women.

Our hands are powerful, we are powerful. And life is like that tiny piece of paper. We must assert ourselves and mold it into what we want, and from there we can achieve anything. To some it may seem like nothing.. just a receipt.. but to others it may be a signal of hope that in life there are endless possibilities.

I've decided that for my baby, I want to make a thousand paper cranes.. and every time she looks at it, she'll see her endless possibilities.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Struggle

The hardest part is the struggle.
To understand what you're feeling.
Because you wanna scream, you wanna cry, but it feels like you'd open your mouth and nothing would come out.
Just silence.
You reach your hand out, hoping for a reassuring warmth in return, but nothing comes.
You feel things beside you, but for some reason you turn them away...
Thats the struggle.
To hide isn't enough, because you don't want to.
You want help.. but you don't want to be a burden...
Maybe because you feel that you have allowed so much of the world to be a burden to you that you don't want to do that to someone else.
That's the struggle.
I used to find comfort in the labryinth of words I used to write.  A jumble of emotions expressed so confusingly eloquent.
I understood it.. and anyone who knew how I felt, understood it as well.
But I'm at a loss for words. Eloquent or not.
I can't even be blunt anymore.
That's the struggle.
I just open my mouth, I open my mind.. and nothing comes out. Just silence.
I watch the sun... That used to give me reassurance.. the little things.. have abandoned me.
Just silence.
Water.. never actually stops moving
So still waters are just as much alive as you and I.
Then I wonder,
How will my daughter or son look at it, the world.
Will she smile at the sun... Will he understand singing winds?
Will they see the love and laughter in the little things?
That's the struggle.
What am I doing?
What am I not doing?
The questions.. my dying heart asks as it beats steady beneath my swollen lungs.
Surviving off the flutter of butterfly wings inside.
Of caterpillars don't fly.. but butterfly's sure do.
I don't want to be Sylvia Plath, or Anne Braxton
How do I love and let myself be loved?
That's the struggle.. to not only write words, but to speak them as well.
I have to be honest with myself... It's a struggle.
And that honesty...
That's the struggle.

Saturday, March 3, 2012


People can tell when somethings wrong.
And they admit that they know when it's something out of their hands or that they can't fix.
So they ignore it.
And they ignore you.
And they wait until either it
Or you
Are gone.
They ponder in their meager hours alone
If they should have said something
Acknowledged it.
Or done something.
Gave you a hug.
But in the end they suffice in believe it's too big
Their's nothing they can do.
So they don't do a damn thing.
And they wait until either it
Or you
Are gone.
And when you leave, they sigh. They no longer feel that pressure. They can get back to their everydailylives.
They can breathe.
Although they know you can.
It's safe to say that they know and will most often admit that they can tell when somethings wrong.. and only they can do something about it.
But who wants that burden?
So they ignore it.
And wait until either it
Or you
Are gone.

This thing called Depression

I wish I could put what I feel when I burst into tears as I'm brushing my teeth into words. I wish I could explain this thing called Depression.

This ever preverant looming dread of the unknown. I mean I know about it, but I can't identify it or put it into words. It's calling out for me to fix it, to fake it. But I never solve anything that way. I've been "never solving" for such a long time.. and it's catching up to me.

It's hitting me hard. And where it hurts.. because all I can think about is my baby, and how I don't want to be this way for my baby. I don't want that darkness looming over me while I'm looking at the pool of light aleep in my arms. I want peace and happiness for my child! Why does that mean I need to struggle to obtain it for myself?? What type of example would I be if this is what I have to show to my child?? This monster that I can't see, I can't fight. All I do is hide. All it does is hide. And I accept that.. but what happens when it all falls apart?? How will I take care of my child? What type of an example is that?

We all hear and know the infamous stories of the "depressed" mom, she ends up fucking up her kids more than she's ever been fucked. I don't want to do that.

I don't mind struggling financially, physically.. whatever.. but I cannot struggle emotionally. That will leave an imprint on my baby that I can never take back. I can never answer all the questions she'll or he'll have... I can never say it'll be ok..

I don't know. I'm so .. or rather I feel so empty.

I can't stand it.. but I feel like I can't fight it either....

This thing called Depression

Friday, March 2, 2012

I thought I knew I didn't know

I realized something last night, as I had a feverent argument with the bf. I'm suppressing something and it's slowly destroying me and the relationships around me. The things that matter most.
Earlier in my blogging, I believe, as I was going through a progressive state of downfall; I spoke about why I started doing any of this blogging at all. Aside from chronically my crazy life like never before.. I was searching for what kept me going back to that pitifull state of depression. Why I'd take small steps forward then regress huge steps back. What keeps pulling me back there?? Why can't I get past this thing??
It's because I don't know what it is... So I can't fight it.. I don't know the triggers or the harm that it did.. or has done.. or will do.
Earlier (in the blog), I talked about the book Sexology by Carly Milne. It was the reason why I knew I had to do something about my life.. because something was holding me back.
So here's the situation as blunt as I can make it:
It seems that I have trouble having sex with L. But I don't know why. Honestly, I like sex (I think), and I love him. He's my bf.. why wouldn't I want to have sex with him?? It only makes sense.. but I seem to constantly push him away. I'm always scared of having sex with him and it takes a lot (from me) to get me to want to have sex with him.. and then to actually have sex with him. Sometimes I want to.. but I can't do the act. I don't know why.
He's expressed that he thinks it's because I'd rather be with a girl than him and although I am bisexual that's definitely not it.
But what hurt me the most was how hurt he was by pushing him away.. he felt like he was forcing me sometimes.. and frankly most of the time it feels that way to me. But that's not the case... I know it's not. (And please trust that I'm being truthfully in this. If I say no.. it's no and he walks away.)
But I'm left asking myself why I feel that way?? I then realized something. I remembered when I discovered that my odd issues with sex and sexuality stemed from something that happened a long time ago. Something that I buried far far away, and now it's leaking out. I realized that this event that I can't remember is rearing it's ugly head and I can't ignore it any longer. So here I am with the realization.. just when you think it's ok to not know, you realize that you no longer have power or control. Not knowing hurts far worse. Because you can't protect yourself or others and you can't help yourself or ask for help from others.. I wish I knew what happened so I can put a stop to this. I've decided to seek professional help, or this will no doubt effect my baby. I checked out this site that helps women with pre and post partum depression. Even though my problems derive from something way before the baby, it's taking it toll now.. at the worse possible time. I sent them a message. Something just short of begging for help. Hopefully I get a call or email within the next few days. I don't know how much longer I can deal.

post/prepartum resource center

I'm trying to learn

Im trying to learn how to not get so upset by things.. but honestly, it's these tiny things that prick away at me until I can't stand it anymore. And by that time I pop. But what's been happening is that, because I do so much to supress my overwhelming feelings for everything...including the big stuff. I get to a point where everything and anything starts to chip away at the last bits of my sanity. So I get pissed about anything. I can't function correctly, I can't think logically or process shit. I stay on edge and no matter what I do, I only feel worse. And things only get worse and It because an obstain ball of "FML".
Then... Im left feeling so empty and hurt by the world, and isolated and people just don't understand. I can't think of how to explain it, so I don't I just push it aside and hide it away, find something to make me smile and pretend it's ok.. when it's not. It's just a major disastor waiting to happen. It's a break-down waiting to occur.
I can't deal with this shit anymore. I can't take the stess and Im ready to just say fuck it. But you see, that's not acceptable in my eye, so I stay perpetually pissed.
Im falling apart.. slowly. I need a break. I need to get away, from everything... But of course, I can't step outside of my body and take a time out. I still have responsibilities and a livelihood to upkeep, and most of all my baby.
I know this is no good for my baby. And it's killing me.. knowing and feeling so helpless. It hurts.. physically. To think that my child is suffering for my emotional pitfalls. I want to be happy for my baby, healthy for my baby.

Being Broke..

So im like dead broke. My mum and I managed to pull funds from the sky for rent, which believe me is great.. but now I've got $1.82 to my name. And my mom has.. $.02, so figure.. we're broke.
And let me tell you, it is no fun being pregnant, hungry, and broke...

ugh. My baby is begging for a snack.. :{