Saturday, March 3, 2012

This thing called Depression

I wish I could put what I feel when I burst into tears as I'm brushing my teeth into words. I wish I could explain this thing called Depression.

This ever preverant looming dread of the unknown. I mean I know about it, but I can't identify it or put it into words. It's calling out for me to fix it, to fake it. But I never solve anything that way. I've been "never solving" for such a long time.. and it's catching up to me.

It's hitting me hard. And where it hurts.. because all I can think about is my baby, and how I don't want to be this way for my baby. I don't want that darkness looming over me while I'm looking at the pool of light aleep in my arms. I want peace and happiness for my child! Why does that mean I need to struggle to obtain it for myself?? What type of example would I be if this is what I have to show to my child?? This monster that I can't see, I can't fight. All I do is hide. All it does is hide. And I accept that.. but what happens when it all falls apart?? How will I take care of my child? What type of an example is that?

We all hear and know the infamous stories of the "depressed" mom, she ends up fucking up her kids more than she's ever been fucked. I don't want to do that.

I don't mind struggling financially, physically.. whatever.. but I cannot struggle emotionally. That will leave an imprint on my baby that I can never take back. I can never answer all the questions she'll or he'll have... I can never say it'll be ok..

I don't know. I'm so .. or rather I feel so empty.

I can't stand it.. but I feel like I can't fight it either....

This thing called Depression

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