Monday, April 30, 2012


The most exciting day of my life.. yet. I can't wait until she's born. My beautiful baby girl!!

Thursday, April 26, 2012


This is an old post that for some reason did not post. Its deep, and hurtful, and I remember the pain. It just really makes me think. What is love?

You get used to the pain, used to the hurt. Who knows... It's really tough loving someone, who doesn't love you back.
Does he know? How much it hurts? One second your holding me tight, caressing me with your warmth and the next the energy your producing is pushing me away farther than your body can actually go. Youre so far away.. farther than an earshot, farther than an eye's gleam. Youre so close.. yet so far away. Does he know? How much it hurts? But you get used to it.. the pain. The hurt. You realize that you can't love someone who doesn't love you back.
Is that all im worth? Sex? Because you can't have sex with me you can't be around me?
Does he know?? How much that hurts??
How deep it cuts?
In a world that sees me as a gem, you make me feel like a slut...
You shouldn't love someone.. who doesn't love you back.
Words are NOTHING compared to actions.
Because actions speak louder than words.
They stab louder than hurt.
They're pain can leave scars that never heal.
Youre silence is so loud it hurts.
Eating up my self worth.
Does he know??
You can say a lot by saying nothing at all, and i've just gotten used to it. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.
Does he understand??
Do you get what your actions mean? How much they demean? My body. My. Body. is your symbiote. Is your carnage.
I am nothing. I. Am. Nothing. I mean nothing. I. Am. My body.
My body is not my own. And if it's unavailable to you, i am worthless.
How much that hurts...
Sucking up my self worth
Like damp blood in an empty coffin.
I thought.. maybe just maybe, you'd care about how i feel.
Im worried and scared and confused. And i just want you to be there. To care.
But you want my body. My. Body.
Without that i get no concern, no love. You can't even look me in the eye!
How much it hurts, but i still smile.
It may take a while but i can't love someone who doesn't love me back.
You don't want to be around me.. you don't want me.. im sure you don't like me.. you sure as hell don't love me, you love My. Body. The beginning and end of infinity.
I try to explain to express, i seek your caress with the tenderest of finesse. But with my body gone i no longer exist.
How does it hurt.
But you can't love someone who steals your worth..

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

20 Weeks!!!

 Your pregnancy: 20 weeks!

See the bigger picture.
How your baby's growing:
Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana. (For the first 20 weeks, when a baby's legs are curled up against his torso and hard to measure, measurements are taken from the top of his head to his bottom — the "crown to rump" measurement. After 20 weeks, he's measured from head to toe.)

He's swallowing more these days, which is good practice for his digestive system. He's also producing meconium, a black, sticky by-product of digestion. This gooey substance will accumulate in his bowels, and you'll see it in his first soiled diaper (some babies pass meconium in the womb or during delivery).

See what your baby looks like this week. (Or see what fraternal twins look like in the womb this week.)

Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development.

How your life's changing:

Congratulations! You've hit the halfway mark in your pregnancy. The top of your uterus is about level with your belly button, and you've likely gained around 10 pounds. Expect to gain another pound or so each week from now on. (If you started your pregnancy underweight, you may need to gain a bit more; if you were overweight, perhaps a bit less.) Make sure you're getting enough iron, a mineral that's used primarily to make hemoglobin (the part of your red blood cells that carries oxygen).

During pregnancy, your body needs more iron to keep up with your expanding blood volume, as well as for your growing baby and the placenta. Red meat is one of the best sources of iron for pregnant women. Poultry (especially the dark meat) also contains iron. Some common non-meat sources of iron include legumes, soy-based products, spinach, prune juice, raisins, and iron-fortified cereals.

If you haven't already signed up for a childbirth education class, you may want to look into one, especially if you're a first-timer. A structured class will help prepare you and your partner for the rigors of labor and delivery. Most hospitals and birth centers offer classes, either as weekly meetings or as a single intensive, one-day session. Many communities have independent instructors as well. Ask your friends, family members, or caregiver for recommendations.

 Surprising Facts: Getting a good night's rest

It may become more difficult to sleep through the night as your pregnancy progresses, thanks to some obvious and not-so-obvious changes taking place in your body. You may be surprised to find that: 

You start snoring for the first time in your life, thanks in part to more estrogen, which contributes to swelling of the mucous membranes that line the nose and may even cause you to make more mucus. 
What to do: Sleep on your side and elevate your head slightly. 
Heartburn and indigestion can make it extra uncomfortable to lie down in bed.
What to do: Avoid foods that trigger your heartburn, give yourself two to three hours to digest a meal before going to bed, and try sleeping semi-upright in a comfy recliner or propped up with extra pillows under your upper body. 
Leg cramps jar you out of a deep sleep. 
What to do: Ease the cramp by straightening your leg, heel first and gently flexing your toes back toward your shins, or walk around for a few minutes.
You toss and turn all night trying to find a comfortable sleeping position. 
What to do: Lie on your side with your knees bent and a pillow between your legs. For extra comfort and support, arrange other pillows under your belly and behind your back. Or try using a contoured maternity body pillow.
You become hot and sweaty in the middle of the night. It's common for pregnant women to feel a little warmer than usual thanks to shifts in your metabolism, hormones, and weight. 
What to do: Keep your bedroom cool and strip down to the bare essentials. Keep slippers and a snuggly bathrobe handy for those nighttime trips to the bathroom.
Getting out of bed is harder than ever! 
What to do: Roll over onto your side so you're facing the edge of the bed. Dangle your legs over the side and use your arms to push yourself into a sitting position. Plant your feet squarely on the floor and then stand up.
Wear sleepwear made of a natural, breathable fiber like cotton. Avoid synthetics, which trap moisture next to your skin and can leave you damp and chilled.

 This Week's Activity:
  • Treat yourself to something nice. You've made it to the halfway mark in your pregnancy, so celebrate with a little indulgence. Need some ideas? 
  • For your comfort, try scented candles, a new nightgown or pajamas, or a prenatal massage. 
  • For a keepsake, splurge on professional pictures of your pregnant self, or a beautiful frame for your baby's first picture after birth. (In the meantime, you can use an ultrasound picture!) 
  • To feel like a hot momma, buy yourself a piece of clothing that makes you feel really sexy or get a free makeover at a department store. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

18 WEEKS!!

I'm not going to lie. It's extremely fascinating. I can now feel the baby move, and it's incredible... and honestly funny. Every time I pay attention and think about it, I just laugh. All I can think is: "This is really happening?" "This is possible!" "This is amazing!" Like.. thanks God for creating this experience because boy, oh boy.. it is one fascinating experience. I'm just overflowing with JOY. I am so happy it's not even funny.. .well.. it is. IT'S GREAT! I've never felt this way in my entire life. I repeat. MY. ENTIRE. LIFE.

The other day as I was riding the train, I wrote a little something when I felt like I couldn't contain my emotions anymore. In fact I was so happy, that I ended up crying all the way home. Although I'm sure if any one looked at me it wouldn't have seemed that way. But trust me, I was the happiest girl in the world:

Pregnancy is so fascinating. Each and every day I connect with the baby a little more and it's so beautiful. It makes me so happy. I just want to scream from the rooftops "I'm growing the most amazingly beautiful and wonderful thing in the world !!" words can't fully express the feeling. I'm so proud and happy to be a woman so I can be apart of this process. The beginning nor the end matter anymore. The pain the struggle.. is nothing in comparison to the overwhelming love I feel for my child. Love that is more than I could ever want to give or receive. Love that is more than I ever thought possible. Love that is timeless and endless and priceless. Love that doesn't even fit into the confines of the word love. It's a loud obnoxious vivacious experience that takes me into a realm that I never thought would or could exist.

Just when I thought I was losing me.. I was finding you (the baby) and you are so much more.. You are the best of everything best. My heart cannot fit the love I have for you. My body cannot either. This love expands beyond the stretches of the universe, beyond the confinement of time and space and is nothing like what words can define.

I'm still astonished that I get to be apart of this. I sound like a broken record but I feel like I'm brand new.