Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Not enough time

We're 37 weeks today. Under normal and possibly average circumstance this would be great, awesome feat. Full term, only 3 more weeks to go. Seems like perfect time right? But for me.. eh. Complications have risen. After a normal visit to see my midwife they found the baby was too small. After a non stress test and a sonogram it was confirmed that she's in the lower third precentile. She's only 4 lbs. At first I was confused. I felt like three weeks is enough time to make it to 6 lbs, and 6 lbs was a good size. I was 6 lbs and so was my little brother. I felt that it was normal. But the doctor was still concerned. She did more test and found some oddity in the cord blood pulse. "Elevated levels" (i have no idea what that truly means, but it sounds intimidating...) So now, they're looking to deliver next week.
I no longer have enough time.
Im scared and upset and worried.
I promised myself and her that wouldn't bring her home to this medial ass apartment we now reside in. I'd have a earth shattering coniption if i found mouse poop on her belongings.
Im not prepared.
We have virtually nothing for her. I hope this baby shower turns out to be lucrative, i don't even have the basics.
Im freaking out.
I don't know how to deal with it.
I feel so alone.
It's like everyone in my life finds this news passable. Ok.
I find it unacceptable. Definitely not ok.
What the hell is wrong with my womb that she's safer outside of it?? That's what it feels like the doctor is telling me. I know she doesn't want me to break down in a waterfall of tears so she had to have been putting it lightly.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Next Steps

I'm now 36 weeks pregnant! Almost there 4 weeks to go. I'm excited and scared and all sorts of mumbo jumbo feelings. It's crazy that in no time (25 days) i'll get to meet this little creation of L and i. I can't wait, but at the same time I wish I had more time. I'm not ready, in so many ways. Most importantly financially. I really do wish we haed our own place. Dealing with family is so stressful and complicated. :?

Monday, August 6, 2012


I feel like exploding. It's tough to put it into words. Im just so frustrated. I don't feel comfortable, and it's frustrating. I feel nomadic, during a time when I should be nesting. Sleep comes hard, with nightmares and peeing leading the way to a restless night. Not to mention the variety of uncomfortable venues I have available for me to sleep in. I'm stressed and it's wearing me thin. And all I know how to do is pretend. Pretend like everything is ok, and I'm strong enough... Even though it feels like I'm no where near strong enough. But of course I can't afford to be weak now... I watch the sun rise on a short lived night of pretending to sleep. In my dream my body was brusied and beaten, must've been from a physical manifestation of the emotional toll my body is taking. Something that's becoming harder and harder to hide. I wish I had a mommy. Don't get me wrong, I have a mother, who is, in her own way "supportive". But her "support" can be just as destructive as a hurrican wind. It's confusing and comes with a price. I cry silently as time flies by, I've been up since 5. I see a terse day ahead of me. But I have no known solution for it. I guess I'll just continue pretending... I hate it, but it's the only way I know how to cope.
I realized, I don't know what I'm doing. And what I need to do, isn't something that can be easily learned on your own. It takes guidance. I feel as if I have none. Yes, there are people in my life. There is support. But there is no guidance.
There is a big difference between the two.
I feel as though all I have are judgements and unempathetic head nodding. "I understand but I don't know"s. And "I will cast upon you my miscontrewed opinion of what I believe you should do or think"s. Most of comes across as condeming, so I feel I'm better off pretending. It hurts much less in the midst of the moment. But of course I can't pretend forever, I'm running out of time. And I hate pretending anyway, it requires too much energy.
It's all a lie, and I hate lying. But I don't know any other way to confront everything. I feel so alone. I know I'm not. I still have the ability to think realistically and sensically, doesn't mean my emotions are logical. That plus the hormones, just make me feel like a wreck. I feel terrible. And weak. I wish I could explain it better.
Will I ever be able to sleep again?
My brain is a destructive pathway filled with way too much subconcious.
You know, I feel like it would be rude to say "I'm not ok..." When someone asked me, how I was doing.
Now when my pretending skills have worn away I just remark that I'm tired. And people always assume it's just pregnancy when in reality it's life. Life is tiring me out. Emotions are striping me weak. And again not pregnancy, not hormones. Real, justifiable, uncontrollable, surpressed emotions.
So no, I'm not ok... Just tired.
At this rate I will have lost a total of 4 and a half hours of sleep.
I'm gonna regret that by the time I step into work.
I don't really feel like going in, but I have no where else I feel like going. Plus I desperatly need the money, even though it'll disappear faster than a shooting star.
I don't know, maybe I'll try to squeeze in an hour... I don't want to face the day.