Monday, August 6, 2012


I feel like exploding. It's tough to put it into words. Im just so frustrated. I don't feel comfortable, and it's frustrating. I feel nomadic, during a time when I should be nesting. Sleep comes hard, with nightmares and peeing leading the way to a restless night. Not to mention the variety of uncomfortable venues I have available for me to sleep in. I'm stressed and it's wearing me thin. And all I know how to do is pretend. Pretend like everything is ok, and I'm strong enough... Even though it feels like I'm no where near strong enough. But of course I can't afford to be weak now... I watch the sun rise on a short lived night of pretending to sleep. In my dream my body was brusied and beaten, must've been from a physical manifestation of the emotional toll my body is taking. Something that's becoming harder and harder to hide. I wish I had a mommy. Don't get me wrong, I have a mother, who is, in her own way "supportive". But her "support" can be just as destructive as a hurrican wind. It's confusing and comes with a price. I cry silently as time flies by, I've been up since 5. I see a terse day ahead of me. But I have no known solution for it. I guess I'll just continue pretending... I hate it, but it's the only way I know how to cope.
I realized, I don't know what I'm doing. And what I need to do, isn't something that can be easily learned on your own. It takes guidance. I feel as if I have none. Yes, there are people in my life. There is support. But there is no guidance.
There is a big difference between the two.
I feel as though all I have are judgements and unempathetic head nodding. "I understand but I don't know"s. And "I will cast upon you my miscontrewed opinion of what I believe you should do or think"s. Most of comes across as condeming, so I feel I'm better off pretending. It hurts much less in the midst of the moment. But of course I can't pretend forever, I'm running out of time. And I hate pretending anyway, it requires too much energy.
It's all a lie, and I hate lying. But I don't know any other way to confront everything. I feel so alone. I know I'm not. I still have the ability to think realistically and sensically, doesn't mean my emotions are logical. That plus the hormones, just make me feel like a wreck. I feel terrible. And weak. I wish I could explain it better.
Will I ever be able to sleep again?
My brain is a destructive pathway filled with way too much subconcious.
You know, I feel like it would be rude to say "I'm not ok..." When someone asked me, how I was doing.
Now when my pretending skills have worn away I just remark that I'm tired. And people always assume it's just pregnancy when in reality it's life. Life is tiring me out. Emotions are striping me weak. And again not pregnancy, not hormones. Real, justifiable, uncontrollable, surpressed emotions.
So no, I'm not ok... Just tired.
At this rate I will have lost a total of 4 and a half hours of sleep.
I'm gonna regret that by the time I step into work.
I don't really feel like going in, but I have no where else I feel like going. Plus I desperatly need the money, even though it'll disappear faster than a shooting star.
I don't know, maybe I'll try to squeeze in an hour... I don't want to face the day.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry. I'm kinda where you're at right now, just I'm not pregnant...that makes it even harder, I'm sure. Hang in there, and GET SOME SLEEP! :)


Hi! Thanks for commenting. I love to see feedback, questions, etc. Although the moderation has to be in place I normally review within a few hours. The max is 24. I hope you come back for more musings and share this blog with your friends. Cheers!