Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Not enough time

We're 37 weeks today. Under normal and possibly average circumstance this would be great, awesome feat. Full term, only 3 more weeks to go. Seems like perfect time right? But for me.. eh. Complications have risen. After a normal visit to see my midwife they found the baby was too small. After a non stress test and a sonogram it was confirmed that she's in the lower third precentile. She's only 4 lbs. At first I was confused. I felt like three weeks is enough time to make it to 6 lbs, and 6 lbs was a good size. I was 6 lbs and so was my little brother. I felt that it was normal. But the doctor was still concerned. She did more test and found some oddity in the cord blood pulse. "Elevated levels" (i have no idea what that truly means, but it sounds intimidating...) So now, they're looking to deliver next week.
I no longer have enough time.
Im scared and upset and worried.
I promised myself and her that wouldn't bring her home to this medial ass apartment we now reside in. I'd have a earth shattering coniption if i found mouse poop on her belongings.
Im not prepared.
We have virtually nothing for her. I hope this baby shower turns out to be lucrative, i don't even have the basics.
Im freaking out.
I don't know how to deal with it.
I feel so alone.
It's like everyone in my life finds this news passable. Ok.
I find it unacceptable. Definitely not ok.
What the hell is wrong with my womb that she's safer outside of it?? That's what it feels like the doctor is telling me. I know she doesn't want me to break down in a waterfall of tears so she had to have been putting it lightly.

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