Thursday, October 18, 2012

She's 2 months now...

It feels like things are falling apart around me.
Is this post-pardum depression??

I love my daughter. More than words can express. She is the joy and wonder of my life. In fact I write this currently as she lay on my chest. She likes to be close to mommy. I like being close to baby. So it's a win win situation.
Her father insist that I'm gonna spoil her, but all other research says otherwise.

She's also now 7.5 lbs! A big girl! I'm so proud of her, she can fit some of her newborn clothes now. Kinda. She's getting there. All I know is that she no longer fitst he premie stuff. I wish I had more money to get her more stuff.

I'm broke. I hate it. But that's not all that's gone to shits.

L and I are falling apart.
And although that should be expected considering how fast everything happened. I didn't think it was in the cards for us. I thought we were better than that. But I've come to the realization that he just can't love me the way that I need him to.

I need affection. I need strength. I need to get out of this physical and mental struggle. He's got his own mess that he's struggling to handle. But in all actuality I'm not sure if he's handling anything at all.
At least I'm getting therapy. I have no idea what he's doing.

But I feel like we're drifting apart. We don't talk like we used to. I'm finding it harder and harder to communicate with him. And I feel like he's beginning to lie to me.
Well he like to put it as "failing to mention". Ok, sure. Whatever, either way, I was unaware of something I should've been.

I feel lonely. And like crap. I feel like hiding under  a rock and staying there.

On top of all this lovely sundae. My mom's energy is growing more and more ominous. I can tell she's still harboring animosity about me having Olivia. Especially since we're so broke and in such a tight situation. And she's sick, but she has to work, because I'm on maternity leave.

I wish I didn't need her help. I'd rather do it all on my own.

I feel like running away.

It's all falling apart.

It's been a month...

And boy have things changed, but the reality of the matter is that I have a daughter in my life now. Point blank. Now it's not about me, but her...
But that doesn't mean Im gone...
I'm still here and it's been a struggle dealing with things surrounding that.
In this months time I've realized a lot of things about my life
I don't have as many close friends as I thought I did
My father is a jerk
I still struggle with depression...