Tuesday, November 13, 2012

My soul

My soul aches. At the pain i feel. For the love I don't feel.
It's deep this pain. And liquid like blood. Pouring out of my orfices. Pulsing like tears. Heavy. Rough.
It hurts. It's a pain stitches cannot touch.
Reality hurts. Realization hurts. People hurt.
I don't like being hurt. But here I am again.
A foolish being. I was led into the pain. Hand held into the pain. Welcomed into the pain. It was my home, my happiness for only but a moment. Until I realized where I was and the cloudless walls came crashing down.
What a shame. I feel such internal shame.
Failure. Pain. They're so heavy.
Does one ever heal from this?
Am i meant for peace and happiness.
My life is filled with such pain.
It's so hard to keep myself together.
I just want to crawl up in a ball. I want to disappear.
But i have a daughter. Can't i just disappear with her?
I always feel so lonely.
Why does everyone insist on hurting me?
Im overdue for a break.
Im overdue for someone to understand. To care. To stop and think.. maybe she has a heart too. Maybe she's only human. Maybe she crys herself to sleep. Maybe, just maybe i'd be wrong for hurting her so..
Why does everyone hurt me so??

Thursday, November 8, 2012


So most recently, I have been assessing my life and my situation. On this paricular day I thought about my friends. After much thought, i came to the depressing realization that I only have one. Really.. well maybe 3.. but really 1.
Now I'll put this into a little perspective, I did not mix "aquaintences" with "friends", there is a big difference between the two.
I wanted to get down to the bottom of why I have been feeling so immensely lonely and thats because I don't have friends.
I have many aquaintences.. but they are not obligated to be my friends, so in fact they end up not being so...
So.... I end up lonely. Lack of company. Lack of conversation.
I feel like it's just me and Olivia, and she's my newborn daughter so it doesn't really count.                                                       
I should be able to say that my boyfriend is my friend, but there's been so much tension between us  these past few months because we're apart, that we've lost that.
Currently my best friend is on the other side of the country. She's all I've got. But I still feel alone. I hate this feeling.

I decided to take a break from Facebook because I find myself feeling more and more alone. But at the same time wanting to be around people less and less.


It's a disease.
It's a battle.
It's a war.
And i'm losing.


I feel like crying.
I have to wake up early tomorrow.