Wednesday, December 25, 2013
And not because I don't believe in them, or the idea of family, down time, or mass consumerism. But because its come to mean something different to me.
There used to be a time when I loved the holidays. Even though we lived in the shelter, in some one else's home, or in our car we were together and a family. And that was enough for me.
But since I've had my daughter or rather since she's came into my life... its a bit more complicated.
Lets go over how this came to be...
About 3 years back, our first Christmas out of the shelter was uneventful. It was depressing and stressful for whatever reason. I can't really recall that Christmas clearly. I felt tides changing, but I couldn't pinpoint what was changing.
Next Christmas I was pregnant. Although I was not yet aware. I was in the first few months that is characterized as "you're-losing-your-fucking-mind" trimester. I spent that day, at someone I did not knows house, followed by partying all night in a club. I was fucking loony. And that my first taste of "I hate Christmas".
Then comes Olivia, and that Christmas managed to get fucked up because I spent it in a mental hospital. Just days prior as I wallowed in postpartum depression and undiagnosed bipolar disorder the world flipped upside down, and I chased my infidelity with a slit wrist. Once again, loony... are you sensing a pattern here? Because I am.
Then, finally this Christmas. Familial pressures everywhere, shelter lifestyle, no money, stress and depression. I smelt a breakdown coming along. Until Christmas eve comes and too many shots of tequila makes him into a monster. I don't recall doing anything, and neither does he. I do recall the sting that followed a swift slap to the face. The air rushing out of my lungs as my windpipes were constricting. Nothing I did could make it stop, and I myself couldn't avoid/stop it. This time I wasn't the loony one.
I had never been a victim. Never considered myself one, and Im still unsure if I am. I just know it hurt. The angry words followed by the vindictive hands. I've never felt so weak. I cried, until I couldn't. I yelled until I was too scared to do anything but just stand there. And at some point in time even that angered him.
He has NEVER been like this before. What happened??!!?? We'll never know.
He didn't stop until we gained the interest of the dutiful security guards. I was paralyzed so I nodded everything was fine, and I let him guide me into the shower once they left. The rest of my night was plagued by nightmares and his apologies. He swore to never do it again. But he's never done it before. He doesn't even know how he got to that point in the first place.
So how can one control the unknown?? I'll never know...
So this is why I despise the holidays. Its been bringing out the worst on me. Its rained the shittiest parade and Im left to pick up the fragmented streamers of my life. Every single fucking time.
And I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don't know what to do. Im stuck. Frozen. In that frame of mind.
My hope is that my soul will heal as my wounds will. And I can pack my pessimism away until next time.
Until next time.
Monday, September 2, 2013
People are weird.
No let me rephrase that.
I'm not like other people.
I don't have friends. I don't go out. I don't retell stories that start with, "I remember that time when I...when we...when this..."
I don't hang out or chill or "hey, let's do (insert awesome activity) at/on/this (insert time/day of week/month/year/season)
I don't have raging Facebook posts/pics of all the places I've gone/things I've done.
Don't have rings/necklaces/bracelets or tattoos/piercings from when I went (insert awesome place).
I'm fucking boring.
I don't have a black book, notches in my belt, or reasons to get dirty looks.
I don't live on the edge or between the lines.
I don't have a tag that says, "I'm cool because I've been/done/had/went/saw/was apart of.. etc."
I don't have a tag that says, "I'm uncool because.... you get the point.
I'm just here.
Not really doing one thing or another. Not really being one thing or another. Not really fitting in, but not really sticking out.
Like shit. What am I really? I guess, im just weird. Because I'm not weird, and I'm normal, I'm like oatmeal. Kinda bland, but I've got a dash of cinnamon and sugar so I'm not all that bad, but still there's no bang!...
This needs to change.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Am I terrible for not wanting any friends at the moment?
I'm at the worse pinnacle of my life and at this point, just a Debby downer I really want to just focus on me and my daughter. So it's hard to get invested in other people's lives. To be honest, it just doesn't concern me. Am I terrible for that?
Am I crazy for wanting to get away, from EVERYBODY?
In many ways, I feel like I've over stayed my welcome. And I need to break away in order to really solidify my independence, within myself. Its hard to explain but it's very tiring relying on other people. At any point in time. Because they begin to hold it against you. Whether or not they do this conciously, at some point in time it manifest in their actions, they way They talk to you, treat you, feel about you. And that just hurts, but it's human. The only way to stop it is yo remove yourself from the situation. And that's what I want to do. I want to do it on my own. Because I know I can. If I had the balls enough to just not care, I could've done it a long time ago. Before things got So out of control. Well It's never too late I always say.
So here's what I want to do. I can't really call it a plan because NOTHING is concrete and there is a possibility that things might change to the point where it doesn't happen. But because it involves me and Olivia only, there's not much that s stopping me. So the "want to do":
Preferably in Ireland. Study film, the Celtic culture, and learn Gaelic. Im not exactly sure why, I'm drawn to Ireland. But I am, and that's what I want to do.
Make my second documentary!
Kind of a part 2 of the first one. Documenting life after having Olivia. The struggles of trying to gain my independence and learn how to be s good woman and mother. Especially being black and young and virtually single.
Start my production company!
Not entirely sure how this is gonna happen, But I'd like for it to.
Publish a book!
Don't know if it'll be the sci-fi novel I'm working on with my best friend (because I don't think that's gonna pan out anymore and I'll post more on that later) Or if it'll be a biography about my shitty life and the wonders that come with it.
I don't really plan on staying in Ireland for more than a year, but we'll see how things go. I'm hoping that through my experiences I can create a foundation somewhere or set up shop with a new beginning. If in able to create my own company, plus generate my own income I might be able to go anywhere and do anything. Who knows. Possibilities are endless.
With that being said. In hoping for the best, but my hearts prepared for the worst. I just wonder if these aspirations are crazy or terrible. ....
Friday, July 26, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
Friday, June 28, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
And of course this is not the first time. But for some reason, my life just keeps fucking getting better.
I'm being sarcastic.
It's like every time I turn around something else is waiting around the corner for me. I understand everyone has their hardships, but most people I know get a reprieve.
I GET NO FUCKING REPRIEVE!!
I'm so stressed out, it's a type if to prolonged stressed out that's never ending.
All these emotions swirling inside of me. No release. It's killing me.
And I have this thing about asking people for help... It's not that I'm to uppity to ask for help, I have 2 main reasons.
1. The times I've broken down and asked for help before, I NEVER received any of any SUBSTANTIALLY. Depending on the person it may not have been that they just didn't help, but they couldn't, and that's completely understandable and I respect that.
2. I'd hate to call up someone I haven't talked to out of the blue because I need their help. It's like "oh, NOW you know me..." I really don't mean it that way, it's just that I don't have much time or the mental capacity to keep up with everyone.
So to me, those sound like very valid reasons. I seriously wonder sometimes if the universe just sees some strength in me that I feel I don't have. I may be stubborn and persistent, but I don't see myself as all that strong. I feel pretty fucking weak right now.
You hear that universe... I FEEL FUCKING WEAK!!
I don't know how much I have left in me.
I'm so damaged. It's so hard...
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Dreams of having a beautiful weeding.
In a park.
Downed in beautiful leaves, flowers, vines.
Wearing a beautiful dress
And a ring that sparkles like moonlight.
The sun shining through a sweet dew kissed airy day.
I have hopes of happiness.
Dreams of ocean breeze nights.
Warm arms around my torso.
Breath on my neck.
Heat and passion
Heart beating faster.
I have hopes of rain.
Fingers to wipe my tears away.
Words to soothe a rough day.
I have hopes of success.
That only I can measure.
Vacation in daily pleasures.
Dreams of never going to work
But working hard everyday.
Of having time to watch my daughter play.
I have hopes of eating breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Cooking for and being cooked for
Sweet gestures and naughty night outs.
Dreams of contentment
A home, filled with adventure
Bursting with color
Thriving with life
I have hopes for my dreams
And that's what keeps me alive.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
My relationship has all but ended, and it makes me feel so damn lonely.
I wish I could put it simply.. But it's so much.
What's wrong with ME?!
Every relationship I've had has failed. And I truly have yet to meet a man that treats me and loves me as I deserve.
Why can't I be happy without that? Why can't I accept and love myself? Why do I have such a need for someone else's love? It's all too much.
Maybe I read too much and I've placed my hopes up higher than they should be.
I don't know. I've been suffering from a hangover because yesterday was so soul suckingly horrible. I don't even want to take about it. It was out of control and truly the final straw in my already fragile relationship with L.
Even he later on admitted that he shouldn't be treating me or talking to me the way he does.
I couldn't help myself. I drank. To push t way, but the pain only intensified. And now I can't sleep. My body hurts. My soul hurts. I feel like a black hole inside.
Will things ever get better?
Saturday, April 6, 2013
I'd still rather just bring our relationship to a cordial end and go our separate ways. My beastie speculates that that might make him angry and that he won't allow it.
I don't know what to do exactly. We've always been honest with each other, about things of that nature and even though it has been difficult to communicate at times, I always felt that its just better to agree on what needs to be done. But I have a sure feeling that my best friend is right and he won't take well to me wanting to move on and find my own place in Brooklyn. As well, what will that mean for him? He's still working this thing out with his papers. He can't get a stable job yet, which means he's stuck at the mercy of his boss and our landlady.
Who is also housing us illegally. Meaning if the building management find out we're renting a room and paying her, we'd ALL be without a home.
It's all so complicated and difficult. I know he's hit me and that at this point I shouldn't care so much about his well being. But I do. And that puts me in a vulnerable spot. Even though I don't want to get hit again. I don't want to involve authorities in this, or my family. But I think I'm the only one thinking about those consequences.
It's so tough.
And from time to time in the happiest of tones!!
As if the world and your life and your day isn't shitty enough, now you gotta go and lie about it!!!
It's frustrating because you know that no one really wants to hear this:
"Hey how are you?"
"Well my life is in a head on combat with hell to see who's worse. And let's just say my life's winning."
No one knows what to say to that... Which is why it's so much easier to say "I'm good" even though its just as difficult and even more heartbreaking. That phrase immediately makes you feel alone and void of friends and family. It's even more poignant if you really are alone with no friends or family (or little friend or family) ..
So if you feel inclined to ask.. Don't. Rather say this:
"Hey, I hope life is treating you well, and if not. Well there's always tomorrow.."
Yeah I know, get your fire and brim stone ready I don't care. I am straight up pro choice and here are my reasons why.
I understand that the argument for not having an abortion is murder and that we should take care of gods creatures and give them a chance at life and so on and so forth I've heard it a thousand times. However we have not considered what would happen if every woman decided to an abortion...
1. Quality of life!
This is important for every human.
Have you seen those female beggars on the subways or the streets? Yeah they decided not to have an abortion and now those precious babies are suffering.
Raising a child is hard, especially in today's society. Especially considering that there is less and less assistance for those in need and there are less and opportunities to generate income to be able to support a family let alone give them the basic quality of life that a human deserves.
Ask yourself this.. People who throw pictures of dead babies in the distraught faces of silent women who have had or contemplated/ing abortions...
Are you willing to assist in supporting that child that you are so determined to save?
Will you give that mother a job? A home??
Diapers? Wipes? Financial support? Emotional support? Physical support?
Will you help her tote her stroller down the stairs of the subway? Or watch her child with the same tender loving care that she would while she goes to work?
Will you protect that child from poverty? Drugs? Bullying? Rape? Murder? Suicide?
Are you willing to create a WORLD where said child can flourish in their own right?
Can you say hands down that you are willing to take civil village-like responsibility for said child?
Again, if every woman decided to have the children they were impregnated with there would be no space on this planet for them.
We are already overpopulated. There isn't enough if a balance between life and death. ( realistically speaking...)
3. State of the world!
Has anyone looked at the world today?
In its entirety?
The United States ALONE is on the brink of a nuclear war... And THIS is what we want to bring children into.
They deserve much better than to struggle their entire lives in whatever conditions fate lays upon them only to DIE because some people just can't get along. Because money and greed and power are more important than the lives of INNOCENT people.
I digress. I can honestly say, that the average haggler on the street passing out pamphlets against abortion has done NOTHING towards the betterment of the world. Not to say that one person can make the world better, but if we decided as a people to to STAND AS A UNITED FRONT and stop squabbling about people's personal business we'd be much farther in having a world worth living in than we are now.
Now don't get me wrong.
I have a daughter. I was told to have an abortion because otherwise I'd be messing up my future. I was threatened with losing everything if I didn't have an abortion.
I did lose a lot of things, and things are most definitely a mess, but I gained a beautiful loving daughter. However as I have said, IT'S HARD! Even more so for minorities, and people that are of low income. It's nearly IMPOSSIBLE to give your child the life they deserve..
Tell me is this REALLY fair to the child???
To have to LIVE a unsatisfactory life??
In my case for example, my daughters father and I don't have the best of relationships. I chose to have my daughter because at the time I loved him and I wanted my baby and I figured we could work it out together as a family. Things changed as other factors came into play. Finances, family, depression, jobs, etc. Come to find out we're severely incompatible. I'm a mush and he's overly aggressive. My daughter has had to witness arguing, cheating, hurting, crying, screaming, she's had to witness the disintegration of mommy and daddy. That's not fair to her. And though she is only a child now, she won't be forever...this brings me to..
Factoring in what happens when the child grows up? There are just a plethora of hardships that can come along. And this could in turn out to cause more harm then help to society.
Last but not least. Please understand that an abortion is NOT easy for the average woman. It takes a SEVERE mental, emotional, physical toll on her body, mind, and entire psyche!
But it is a CHOICE that WE HAVE TO MAKE!
It is NOT YOUR body that has to go through the confusing and sometimes traumatic period of pregnancy and the hardship of labor..
Nor is it your LIFE that will FOREVER be altered by this CHOICE.
So please take a moment, walk two moons and grasp this intense decision in its entirety.
Now YOU have a choice. To be compassionate and understanding and put your efforts and power into helping the children that are ALREADY HERE and are SUFFERING. Then think about creating a stable future for the ones to come.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Also note, I have my period. And I'm bleeding profusely. And I forgot to bring extra pads. I've already bled through the one I put on this morning. It's only been 2 hrs!! I don't know how I'm gonna make it through my 3 and a half hour film class 😐
So we're on a break and I bought these sesame snack sticks by pepperidge farm.. THEY'RE MY SAVIOR!!! These things are GREAT!!!
Sooo he calls me up in the middle of class to apologize. I accepted his apology, but in retrospect, I'm still upset. And I still think its time for us to go our separate ways...
I made I through class in piece. I'm gonna head to work and try to make it through that In one piece. Emphasis on try..
More so I'm heart broken.. Sigh
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Basically it hurts.
I wrote a long post while on the train.. I also thought I published it.. To my surprise its not here... Damn. Well..
Sigh L and I got into an argument the day before yesterday morning. This one really took the cake. He even went as far as saying that I should make sure I kill myself all the way next time because the world would be better off. I haven't heard that since my mom. I think he's ready to move on because he brought up seeing other people again. I have brought that up since I was 3 months prego. He said someone might be interested. Then from there the argument just got worse. A lot worse. Not sure how to put this, but it just got worse. I'm ok no bruises physically except for a few emotional gashes but I think it's best if I make plans to move on.
We spoke again about it tonight. And so I'll be looking for a place once I or both of us get a stable job.
My heart hurts. I can't sleep. My mind is reeling. It's hard between the failure and loneliness it's created this black home in my heart.
I don't get how the fuck it comes so easily for other people. I'm not saying they others don't have their fair share of hurt but it just seems like mine is endless. It seems like ill never know happiness romantically.
Who knows... For now ill just have to settle for being broken.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
To spare myself the pain, and the long drone ill give bullet points of the highlights. Then like I had noted during the time I disappeared when I had Olivia, maybe one day I'll go back and recap in detail. But here's some of what has happened in the time that I've been away and things fell apart.
• I cheated on L
• I cheated on L with S
• L learned of this in an intense conversation after guilt filled sex.
• He was so hurt and upset I couldn't process or handle so many emotions it was awful.....so
• I cut my wrist...
• I still don't know why, I'm not a fan of physical pain.
• I ended up in a psychiatric ward for 5 days, one of those days being Christmas..
• I missed my daughters first Christmas.
• Learned I was Bipolar
• learned a lot about myself and how my family contributed to my disastrous of a coming up experience.
• I stopped talking to S
• L was there by my side the ENTIRE time... He's a really fucking good man.
• I moved in with him and Olivia after I got out of the hospital.
• While I was still in the hospital L got into an altercation with my mother. She locked Olivia in a room away from him, he kicked in the door, she was behind it. Long story incredibly short. Court issued restraining order insued.
• I still moved in with him... Both of them overreacted.
• My relationship with my family is terse to say the lease... They have never really been looking out for my best interest, but that's another story..
• L and I are struggling to make ends meet. I'm totes broke... But I'm really fucking happy. I don't think I've ever been able to say that.
• Through all of his L and I have found a newfound love and understanding for each other. Doesn't mean that we still don't have shit to straighten.. I really hurt him in a way that no one can, but that's another long story.
• Point is..... IM FREE.
And as things fell apart it revealed a beautiful foundation for me to build my own life around...
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
See the problem is I don't fit into any category anymore. I'm not one of those mothers who have a stable family or lifestyle and they go to work, take care of the kids and then have girls night out.. I'm neither a young adult on the precipice of adulthood who can participate in reckless abandon for even a weekend... No. I'm also not a teen mother who can drop her baby off at her moms and go hang out at a club. Or an adult that can drop her baby off at her moms and go out with my husband. No.
What I am is .. A young adult, that's responsible towards her responsibilities. Im a young woman just trying to make ends meet. For her own personal, professional, and familial goals. That no longer has any substantial support from her family without any action taken in that area backfiring on her.... I'm a girlfriend that tries her best to be the best girl possible even though I find myself failing a lot. I'm a mother that loves her daughter more than anything else and am very insecure about other people babysitting her (except my mom...but that has its own issues along with it.). To be honest I have no extra time nor money and I'm not sure how to make any of that.
I believe I'm the only one in my category. I find it hard to be around other moms because their life is either way better than mine or a whole lot worse. I find that I don't fit in. I don't have any old longtime friends around me. I have Facebook friends of course but most of my friends that I could connect with live in other states. And even them I'm jealous of. They either have no kids and are living it up or they have kids and are comfortable in their relationships (most are married) and their lifestyles... And they're living it up.
I'm just not there yet I guess. I'm stuck in this limbo and it leaves me oh so lonely.
Maybe one day that'll change. Sigh
I once upon a time thought I'd be marrying my current boyfriend. Even before all our troubles started to solidify, but at this point, I'm adult enough to see that that's not gonna happen. We're just not compatible enough. Does that mean ill be alone for the rest of my life? I told him that If I wasn't with him I wouldn't be with any other man, which is somewhat true. I don't think I have it in me to fail again. I've failed at every relationship so far in one way or another. Even if the failure isn't my own person, I take on the failures of others. I know it's confusing but It makes sense to me.
Sometimes I think to myself maybe you won't end up with with a guy.. Maybe you'll end up with a girl. Or just plain ole alone. I don't know what the future holds, but I just know the present isn't very reassuring.
Monday, March 18, 2013
It was tough. Don't get me wrong though, I NEVER felt like I didn't want my baby girl. I've wanted her since I herd her horse powered heart beat at 8 weeks. Or was it 6? Either way, it wasn't whether or not I wanted her, it was how much am I doing for her. Am I being an ok mommy? I felt like I wasn't being a mother. Nothing was going the way I planned or wanted for that matter. Of course I was thankful for her successful birth, but I didn't envision it leaving me feeling so empty. No skin to skin contact. No breast feeding, nothing that I so desperately wanted, needed.
From there things just went downhill. I pulled away from family, friends. Or rather they pulled away from me. Which made me feel all the worse. I was overly ready for motherhood, but at the same time I felt underprepared. I didn't get to do a belly cast. Or take prego family photos. I didn't get my baby shower. I didn't get my glider chair. I didn't get my own apartment.
There were just too many things I didn't get and it just got me so upset. I was so confident that I had the ability to achieve those things I wanted for my daughter. And it just didn't work out..
I couldn't hang out, be around or even see other mothers sometimes. Especially ones breast feeding. I couldn't bear hearing birth stories because I felt like such a failure.
Birth and motherhood is supposed to be a defining moment for a woman. It shows strength, courage, ultimate love... I felt like I got stripped of all those things. I got robbed of my womanhood.
It was bad enough I got robbed of some of my childhood, and all of my teenage-hood. Only to add the biggest moment of my life. It was heart wrenching and i took it really hard.
But 7 months has passed and now I can say that I'm ok. I'm doing a bang up job as a mother and my daughter has everything she needs for the moment. Not to say that there aren't more things she needs but she's got the basics and I've got the ability to get her the rest. I'm taking it one day at a time. Sometimes I fall back a step, but I just think of the big picture and I look at how far I've come and I feel better. I've made my mistakes, but I can't live in the past... That's what the present's for. And I've got an amazing future to look forward to. And that's enough for me...
Friday, March 8, 2013
Is this my first post of 2013?? Oh... well
Happy New Years
Happy Valentines Day
Happy President's Day
... Did I miss a holiday?
Well.. back to my original purpose for writing this post. This week has torn me apart. I swear.
So I'm in the middle of transitioning.
I never explained what happened between December and now... Not sure if I really feel like getting into details at this moment. Let's just put some bullet points up, which I have become so fond of.
- I cheated on L
- with... you guessed it S
- I feel terrible, but that's besides the point at this time... I was vulnerable and I had a lapse in judgement.
- L and I got into an argument after unsatisfying sex and I confessed, well rather he pulled it out of me
- I severely broke his heart... he cried
- I felt even worse
- I had another lapse in judgement and I drank..a lot..
- Followed shortly by a depletion in judgement all together
- I cut my wrist
- It was deep it was bad, but obviously I'm still able to write this so I'm alive and well.. (kinda)
- I was in the hospital for about 3 or 4 days afterward (a psych ward)
- I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 2.
- Put my life into perspective
- But it was still in shambles nonetheless
- I cut off all communication with S
- and after a messy messy conversation L and I made up
- It took a lot of courage and devotion
- Thereafter I moved out of my moms house and in with him (we're renting a room)
- I've cut off communication with my extended family (they're we're bullshitting me anyway, I was tired of pretending to like them)
- I went back to work and school and it has been ups and downs since....
Oh, I almost forgot we're in the middle of moving to another room. In the Bronx this time. It's much cheaper, but we really need our own apartment like asap. I know it may sound terrible, but I CAN'T LIVE WITH PEOPLE ANYMORE... It's frustrating in more ways than one, and people may seem nice at first but they're a whole other being when you live with them... sigh..