Sunday, March 31, 2013

It's official. We're separating...

So again. Like I've been hinting to for so long, L and I will be separating.

Basically it hurts.

I wrote a long post while on the train.. I also thought I published it.. To my surprise its not here... Damn. Well..

Sigh L and I got into an argument the day before yesterday morning. This one really took the cake. He even went as far as saying that I should make sure I kill myself all the way next time because the world would be better off. I haven't heard that since my mom. I think he's ready to move on because he brought up seeing other people again. I have brought that up since I was 3 months prego. He said someone might be interested. Then from there the argument just got worse. A lot worse. Not sure how to put this, but it just got worse. I'm ok no bruises physically except for a few emotional gashes but I think it's best if I make plans to move on.

We spoke again about it tonight. And so I'll be looking for a place once I or both of us get a stable job.

My heart hurts. I can't sleep. My mind is reeling. It's hard between the failure and loneliness it's created this black home in my heart.

I don't get how the fuck it comes so easily for other people. I'm not saying they others don't have their fair share of hurt but it just seems like mine is endless. It seems like ill never know happiness romantically.

Who knows... For now ill just have to settle for being broken.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Ignore that previous post

Unless you weren't already aware of some of those facts it's old news... Besides.

Things have still fallen apart but just differently.

Things fell apart

Yes, in reference to Chinua Achebes novel. Things fell apart in my life.
To spare myself the pain, and the long drone ill give bullet points of the highlights. Then like I had noted during the time I disappeared when I had Olivia, maybe one day I'll go back and recap in detail. But here's some of what has happened in the time that I've been away and things fell apart.

• I cheated on L
• I cheated on L with S
• L learned of this in an intense conversation after guilt filled sex.
• He was so hurt and upset I couldn't process or handle so many emotions it was
• I cut my wrist...
• I still don't know why, I'm not a fan of physical pain.
• I ended up in a psychiatric ward for 5 days, one of those days being Christmas..
• I missed my daughters first Christmas.
• Learned I was Bipolar
• learned a lot about myself and how my family contributed to my disastrous of a coming up experience.
• I stopped talking to S
• L was there by my side the ENTIRE time... He's a really fucking good man.
• I moved in with him and Olivia after I got out of the hospital.
• While I was still in the hospital L got into an altercation with my mother. She locked Olivia in a room away from him, he kicked in the door, she was behind it. Long story incredibly short. Court issued restraining order insued.
• I still moved in with him... Both of them overreacted.
• My relationship with my family is terse to say the lease... They have never really been looking out for my best interest, but that's another story..
• L and I are struggling to make ends meet. I'm totes broke... But I'm really fucking happy. I don't think I've ever been able to say that.
• Through all of his L and I have found a newfound love and understanding for each other. Doesn't mean that we still don't have shit to straighten.. I really hurt him in a way that no one can, but that's another long story.
• Point is..... IM FREE.

And as things fell apart it revealed a beautiful foundation for me to build my own life around...

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Working, working....

So I have a meeting for a position at seed and spark for social media intern and I'm like uuber excited. Don't get me wrong, I love working with my students, but I'd like to move closer to my film and technology side and see where that takes me. I've decided to major in film and minor in early childhood education. Now this was a really hard decision for me because I still have a passion to change the lives of kids. I just don't think I need a hard core degree to do that. I have my own ideas about what I want to do to create change and I can get workin' on that in due time. For the time being I feel compelled to pursue other interest. Who knows this road may take me far.. I gotta get workin first....

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Am I the only one in my category?

I've been thinking a lot about why I feel lonely or lacking in the friend department. I mean I never really hang out or really go out for that matter. My life is composed of work,school, and most important my daughter. I barely even spend time with my boyfriend. I come home he leaves to go out. He's got an extracurricular activity ( if I may call it that.....) that allows him to interact with friends (if I may call them that..) but me?? I've got nothing.

See the problem is I don't fit into any category anymore. I'm not one of those mothers who have a stable family or lifestyle and they go to work, take care of the kids and then have girls night out.. I'm neither a young adult on the precipice of adulthood who can participate in reckless abandon for even a weekend... No. I'm also not a teen mother who can drop her baby off at her moms and go hang out at a club. Or an adult that can drop her baby off at her moms and go out with my husband. No.

What I am is .. A young adult, that's responsible towards her responsibilities. Im a young woman just trying to make ends meet. For her own personal, professional, and familial goals. That no longer has any substantial support from her family without any action taken in that area backfiring on her.... I'm a girlfriend that tries her best to be the best girl possible even though I find myself failing a lot. I'm a mother that loves her daughter more than anything else and am very insecure about other people babysitting her (except my mom...but that has its own issues along with it.). To be honest I have no extra time nor money and I'm not sure how to make any of that.

I believe I'm the only one in my category. I find it hard to be around other moms because their life is either way better than mine or a whole lot worse. I find that I don't fit in. I don't have any old longtime friends around me. I have Facebook friends of course but most of my friends that I could connect with live in other states. And even them I'm jealous of. They either have no kids and are living it up or they have kids and are comfortable in their relationships (most are married) and their lifestyles... And they're living it up.
I'm just not there yet I guess. I'm stuck in this limbo and it leaves me oh so lonely.

Maybe one day that'll change. Sigh


Relationships are hard for me... Obviously... I don't have enough experience to know if its me or just the guys I choose to be with. I've only had like 3 boyfriends my entire life so far. I've only had sex with 3 guys, one of them I wasn't in a relationship with. So that just makes a mess of things. I had dreams of getting married one day. I can even see it in my head. Probably during spring or even right after summer when we transition into fall.. In the park with a beautiful dress that's non-traditional. I don't know there's a lot of details that I can see clearly, I just can't see the man.
I once upon a time thought I'd be marrying my current boyfriend. Even before all our troubles started to solidify, but at this point, I'm adult enough to see that that's not gonna happen. We're just not compatible enough. Does that mean ill be alone for the rest of my life? I told him that If I wasn't with him I wouldn't be with any other man, which is somewhat true. I don't think I have it in me to fail again. I've failed at every relationship so far in one way or another. Even if the failure isn't my own person, I take on the failures of others. I know it's confusing but It makes sense to me.

Sometimes I think to myself maybe you won't end up with with a guy.. Maybe you'll end up with a girl. Or just plain ole alone. I don't know what the future holds, but I just know the present isn't very reassuring.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Postpartum Depression

So I struggled with postpartum depression about 2 weeks before having Olivia and I must say that I've just recovered from it. It's not like the flu it doesn't go away completely but I have regained some things that I refrained from doing while I was still suffering from the strongest parts.
It was tough. Don't get me wrong though, I NEVER felt like I didn't want my baby girl. I've wanted her since I herd her horse powered heart beat at 8 weeks. Or was it 6? Either way, it wasn't whether or not I wanted her, it was how much am I doing for her. Am I being an ok mommy? I felt like I wasn't being a mother. Nothing was going the way I planned or wanted for that matter. Of course I was thankful for her successful birth, but I didn't envision it leaving me feeling so empty. No skin to skin contact. No breast feeding, nothing that I so desperately wanted, needed.

From there things just went downhill. I pulled away from family, friends. Or rather they pulled away from me. Which made me feel all the worse. I was overly ready for motherhood, but at the same time I felt underprepared. I didn't get to do a belly cast. Or take prego family photos. I didn't get my baby shower. I didn't get my glider chair. I didn't get my own apartment.

There were just too many things I didn't get and it just got me so upset. I was so confident that I had the ability to achieve those things I wanted for my daughter. And it just didn't work out..

I couldn't hang out, be around or even see other mothers sometimes. Especially ones breast feeding. I couldn't bear hearing birth stories because I felt like such a failure.

Birth and motherhood is supposed to be a defining moment for a woman. It shows strength, courage, ultimate love... I felt like I got stripped of all those things. I got robbed of my womanhood.

It was bad enough I got robbed of some of my childhood, and all of my teenage-hood. Only to add the biggest moment of my life. It was heart wrenching and i took it really hard.

But 7 months has passed and now I can say that I'm ok. I'm doing a bang up job as a mother and my daughter has everything she needs for the moment. Not to say that there aren't more things she needs but she's got the basics and I've got the ability to get her the rest. I'm taking it one day at a time. Sometimes I fall back a step, but I just think of the big picture and I look at how far I've come and I feel better. I've made my mistakes, but I can't live in the past... That's what the present's for. And I've got an amazing future to look forward to. And that's enough for me...

Friday, March 8, 2013

It's been a tough week

This week has just been wrecking my soul.
Is this my first post of 2013?? Oh... well
Happy New Years
Happy Valentines Day
Happy President's Day

... Did I miss a holiday?

Well.. back to my original purpose for writing this post. This week has torn me apart. I swear.

So I'm in the middle of transitioning.
But wait..

I never explained what happened between December and now... Not sure if I really feel like getting into details at this moment. Let's just put some bullet points up, which I have become so fond of.

  • I cheated on L
  • with... you guessed it S
  • I feel terrible, but that's besides the point at this time... I was vulnerable and I had a lapse in judgement. 
  • L and I got into an argument after unsatisfying sex and I confessed, well rather he pulled it out of me
  • I severely broke his heart... he cried 
  • I felt even worse
  • I had another lapse in judgement and I drank..a lot.. 
  • Followed shortly by a depletion in judgement all together 
  • I cut my wrist
  • It was deep it was bad, but obviously I'm still able to write this so I'm alive and well.. (kinda)
  • I was in the hospital for about 3 or 4 days afterward (a psych ward)
  • I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 2.
  • Put my life into perspective
  • But it was still in shambles nonetheless
  • I cut off all communication with S
  • and after a messy messy conversation L and I made up
  • It took a lot of courage and devotion
  • Thereafter I moved out of my moms house and in with him (we're renting a room)
  • I've cut off communication with my extended family (they're we're bullshitting me anyway, I was tired of pretending to like them)
  • I went back to work and school and it has been ups and downs since....
Which brings us swiftly to the present moment.. now I know that was a lot to digest and there's so many questions, but take head.. feel free to leave a comment if you must or just wait until i publish a more detailed post.  I've got so much to say, it's just that my cell phone stopped working so I've been using a shitty tracphone until I can get a new one so I haven't been able to use the blogger app. 
that shit was sooooo convenient. 

Anywho, this week has been shit and I don't see much of an improvement happening. But overall, I've just become fed up with myself. with me and who I am. I am not happy with who I am. 

I'm fat. (everyone seems to keep on bringing it up, including the clothes that no longer fit me..)
I'm broke. (I've been living paycheck to paycheck and after recent events with my job, I wont have a paycheck to live off of for another 2 weeks)
My clothes and shoes are done.. (they have holes and they're worn out, it's terrible. I look like a professional bum I swear.)
My hair is a mess... (well I've decided to cut it... I'm going natural. So I'm just waiting for the next time I'll have $35 to do that..... sigh)
I have no friends... (except for V. that's pretty self explanatory.)
And my relationship has never been more confusing..


I don't know how I got here.. or where I'm going from here. Life is KICKING MY ASS. 
I am normally a happy go lucky girl, I can find happiness in anything and everything. But it seems like everything (with the exception of Olivia and V) are making me bitter. I can feel my soul deteriorating. This is not me.. I'M LOSING ME!!!

I've identified almost all my problems, but I have no way of addressing them. I know I need to exercise and eat better to lose weight but I've become so bombarded by stress that I can muster a way to do that. 
Not to mention that the comments of others have made me so self conscious that it only fules the stress and bad eating habits. I've cried 3 times in the past 2 days already and I can see more tears coming down the line. 

I FEEL SO DAMN ALONE! it's horrible. 
I've started drinking more again, well not really. I don't have money for alcohol, but I do have alcohol I over do it on the drinks. Not that it makes me feel any different. Not even sure why I do it. I think I'm just jealous of those that have vices that make them feel better. Because no matter what I do.. I never feel better. It's just a continuous perpetual arena of self loathing and world hating. I hate to hate! 

I can't stand this anymore.

(BTW Random Note: Olivia is 6 months now, and she has her first 2 teeth! and She's eating solid foods, well purred solid foods.. and she has a tooth brush!! and she's sleeping through the night!.. I'm so proud of my baby..)

I'm so ready to just be done with this self and move on to the real me, who I've been suppressing  almost all my life. But I have no idea how to do that. I don't know how to stop caring so much what other people think and do what makes me satisfied and happy. I don't know how to achieve my own happiness. 

Oh, I almost forgot we're in the middle of moving to another room. In the Bronx this time. It's much cheaper, but we really need our own apartment like asap.  I know it may sound terrible, but I CAN'T LIVE WITH PEOPLE ANYMORE... It's frustrating in more ways than one, and people may seem nice at first but they're a whole other being when you live with them... sigh..

This week has been kicking my ass, but I think I've gotten so fed up that I've prepared myself for the worst... I just have to take it one day at a time. 

I wish I didn't feel so lonely. or empty.