Friday, March 8, 2013

It's been a tough week

This week has just been wrecking my soul.
Is this my first post of 2013?? Oh... well
Happy New Years
Happy Valentines Day
Happy President's Day

... Did I miss a holiday?

Well.. back to my original purpose for writing this post. This week has torn me apart. I swear.

So I'm in the middle of transitioning.
But wait..

I never explained what happened between December and now... Not sure if I really feel like getting into details at this moment. Let's just put some bullet points up, which I have become so fond of.

  • I cheated on L
  • with... you guessed it S
  • I feel terrible, but that's besides the point at this time... I was vulnerable and I had a lapse in judgement. 
  • L and I got into an argument after unsatisfying sex and I confessed, well rather he pulled it out of me
  • I severely broke his heart... he cried 
  • I felt even worse
  • I had another lapse in judgement and I drank..a lot.. 
  • Followed shortly by a depletion in judgement all together 
  • I cut my wrist
  • It was deep it was bad, but obviously I'm still able to write this so I'm alive and well.. (kinda)
  • I was in the hospital for about 3 or 4 days afterward (a psych ward)
  • I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 2.
  • Put my life into perspective
  • But it was still in shambles nonetheless
  • I cut off all communication with S
  • and after a messy messy conversation L and I made up
  • It took a lot of courage and devotion
  • Thereafter I moved out of my moms house and in with him (we're renting a room)
  • I've cut off communication with my extended family (they're we're bullshitting me anyway, I was tired of pretending to like them)
  • I went back to work and school and it has been ups and downs since....
Which brings us swiftly to the present moment.. now I know that was a lot to digest and there's so many questions, but take head.. feel free to leave a comment if you must or just wait until i publish a more detailed post.  I've got so much to say, it's just that my cell phone stopped working so I've been using a shitty tracphone until I can get a new one so I haven't been able to use the blogger app. 
that shit was sooooo convenient. 

Anywho, this week has been shit and I don't see much of an improvement happening. But overall, I've just become fed up with myself. with me and who I am. I am not happy with who I am. 

I'm fat. (everyone seems to keep on bringing it up, including the clothes that no longer fit me..)
I'm broke. (I've been living paycheck to paycheck and after recent events with my job, I wont have a paycheck to live off of for another 2 weeks)
My clothes and shoes are done.. (they have holes and they're worn out, it's terrible. I look like a professional bum I swear.)
My hair is a mess... (well I've decided to cut it... I'm going natural. So I'm just waiting for the next time I'll have $35 to do that..... sigh)
I have no friends... (except for V. that's pretty self explanatory.)
And my relationship has never been more confusing..


I don't know how I got here.. or where I'm going from here. Life is KICKING MY ASS. 
I am normally a happy go lucky girl, I can find happiness in anything and everything. But it seems like everything (with the exception of Olivia and V) are making me bitter. I can feel my soul deteriorating. This is not me.. I'M LOSING ME!!!

I've identified almost all my problems, but I have no way of addressing them. I know I need to exercise and eat better to lose weight but I've become so bombarded by stress that I can muster a way to do that. 
Not to mention that the comments of others have made me so self conscious that it only fules the stress and bad eating habits. I've cried 3 times in the past 2 days already and I can see more tears coming down the line. 

I FEEL SO DAMN ALONE! it's horrible. 
I've started drinking more again, well not really. I don't have money for alcohol, but I do have alcohol I over do it on the drinks. Not that it makes me feel any different. Not even sure why I do it. I think I'm just jealous of those that have vices that make them feel better. Because no matter what I do.. I never feel better. It's just a continuous perpetual arena of self loathing and world hating. I hate to hate! 

I can't stand this anymore.

(BTW Random Note: Olivia is 6 months now, and she has her first 2 teeth! and She's eating solid foods, well purred solid foods.. and she has a tooth brush!! and she's sleeping through the night!.. I'm so proud of my baby..)

I'm so ready to just be done with this self and move on to the real me, who I've been suppressing  almost all my life. But I have no idea how to do that. I don't know how to stop caring so much what other people think and do what makes me satisfied and happy. I don't know how to achieve my own happiness. 

Oh, I almost forgot we're in the middle of moving to another room. In the Bronx this time. It's much cheaper, but we really need our own apartment like asap.  I know it may sound terrible, but I CAN'T LIVE WITH PEOPLE ANYMORE... It's frustrating in more ways than one, and people may seem nice at first but they're a whole other being when you live with them... sigh..

This week has been kicking my ass, but I think I've gotten so fed up that I've prepared myself for the worst... I just have to take it one day at a time. 

I wish I didn't feel so lonely. or empty. 


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