So I struggled with postpartum depression about 2 weeks before having Olivia and I must say that I've just recovered from it. It's not like the flu it doesn't go away completely but I have regained some things that I refrained from doing while I was still suffering from the strongest parts.
It was tough. Don't get me wrong though, I NEVER felt like I didn't want my baby girl. I've wanted her since I herd her horse powered heart beat at 8 weeks. Or was it 6? Either way, it wasn't whether or not I wanted her, it was how much am I doing for her. Am I being an ok mommy? I felt like I wasn't being a mother. Nothing was going the way I planned or wanted for that matter. Of course I was thankful for her successful birth, but I didn't envision it leaving me feeling so empty. No skin to skin contact. No breast feeding, nothing that I so desperately wanted, needed.
From there things just went downhill. I pulled away from family, friends. Or rather they pulled away from me. Which made me feel all the worse. I was overly ready for motherhood, but at the same time I felt underprepared. I didn't get to do a belly cast. Or take prego family photos. I didn't get my baby shower. I didn't get my glider chair. I didn't get my own apartment.
There were just too many things I didn't get and it just got me so upset. I was so confident that I had the ability to achieve those things I wanted for my daughter. And it just didn't work out..
I couldn't hang out, be around or even see other mothers sometimes. Especially ones breast feeding. I couldn't bear hearing birth stories because I felt like such a failure.
Birth and motherhood is supposed to be a defining moment for a woman. It shows strength, courage, ultimate love... I felt like I got stripped of all those things. I got robbed of my womanhood.
It was bad enough I got robbed of some of my childhood, and all of my teenage-hood. Only to add the biggest moment of my life. It was heart wrenching and i took it really hard.
But 7 months has passed and now I can say that I'm ok. I'm doing a bang up job as a mother and my daughter has everything she needs for the moment. Not to say that there aren't more things she needs but she's got the basics and I've got the ability to get her the rest. I'm taking it one day at a time. Sometimes I fall back a step, but I just think of the big picture and I look at how far I've come and I feel better. I've made my mistakes, but I can't live in the past... That's what the present's for. And I've got an amazing future to look forward to. And that's enough for me...