Thursday, April 25, 2013

I. Feel. Like. I. Am. About. To. Implode.

I. Feel. Like. I. Am. About. To. Implode.

And of course this is not the first time. But for some reason, my life just keeps fucking getting better.

I'm being sarcastic.

It's like every time I turn around something else is waiting around the corner for me. I understand everyone has their hardships, but most people I know get a reprieve.


I'm so stressed out, it's a type if to prolonged stressed out that's never ending.


All these emotions swirling inside of me. No release. It's killing me.

And I have this thing about asking people for help... It's not that I'm to uppity to ask for help, I have 2 main reasons.

1. The times I've broken down and asked for help before, I NEVER received any of any SUBSTANTIALLY. Depending on the person it may not have been that they just didn't help, but they couldn't, and that's completely understandable and I respect that.

2. I'd hate to call up someone I haven't talked to out of the blue because I need their help. It's like "oh, NOW you know me..." I really don't mean it that way, it's just that I don't have much time or the mental capacity to keep up with everyone.

So to me, those sound like very valid reasons. I seriously wonder sometimes if the universe just sees some strength in me that I feel I don't have. I may be stubborn and persistent, but I don't see myself as all that strong. I feel pretty fucking weak right now.

You hear that universe... I FEEL FUCKING WEAK!!

I don't know how much I have left in me.
I'm so damaged. It's so hard...

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Hopes and dreams...

I have hopes of getting married.
Dreams of having a beautiful weeding.
In a park.
Downed in beautiful leaves, flowers, vines.
Wearing a beautiful dress
And a ring that sparkles like moonlight.
The sun shining through a sweet dew kissed airy day.
I have hopes of happiness.
Of elation.
Dreams of ocean breeze nights.
Warm arms around my torso.
Breath on my neck.
Heat and passion
Heart beating faster.
I have hopes of rain.
Fingers to wipe my tears away.
Words to soothe a rough day.
I have hopes of success.
That only I can measure.
Vacation in daily pleasures.
Dreams of never going to work
But working hard everyday.
Of having time to watch my daughter play.
I have hopes of eating breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Cooking for and being cooked for
Sweet gestures and naughty night outs.
Dreams of contentment
A home, filled with adventure
Bursting with color
Thriving with life

I have hopes for my dreams
And that's what keeps me alive.

Sunday, April 14, 2013


I'm having a hard time accepting that my life is in such turmoil.
My relationship has all but ended, and it makes me feel so damn lonely.

I wish I could put it simply.. But it's so much.

What's wrong with ME?!

Every relationship I've had has failed. And I truly have yet to meet a man that treats me and loves me as I deserve.

It's heartbreaking.

Why can't I be happy without that? Why can't I accept and love myself? Why do I have such a need for someone else's love? It's all too much.

Maybe I read too much and I've placed my hopes up higher than they should be.

I don't know. I've been suffering from a hangover because yesterday was so soul suckingly horrible. I don't even want to take about it. It was out of control and truly the final straw in my already fragile relationship with L.

Even he later on admitted that he shouldn't be treating me or talking to me the way he does.
I couldn't help myself. I drank. To push t way, but the pain only intensified. And now I can't sleep. My body hurts. My soul hurts. I feel like a black hole inside.

Will things ever get better?

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Among other things

So my best friend wants me to leave L as soon as possible. She says that if he can hit me once, twice, then he can do it again. And no matter how out of character it is or how much he apologizes, if he has an aggressive tendency then he has an aggressive tendency and that's just an invitation for trouble.

I'd still rather just bring our relationship to a cordial end and go our separate ways. My beastie speculates that that might make him angry and that he won't allow it.

I don't know what to do exactly. We've always been honest with each other, about things of that nature and even though it has been difficult to communicate at times, I always felt that its just better to agree on what needs to be done. But I have a sure feeling that my best friend is right and he won't take well to me wanting to move on and find my own place in Brooklyn. As well, what will that mean for him? He's still working this thing out with his papers. He can't get a stable job yet, which means he's stuck at the mercy of his boss and our landlady.
Who is also housing us illegally. Meaning if the building management find out we're renting a room and paying her, we'd ALL be without a home.

It's all so complicated and difficult. I know he's hit me and that at this point I shouldn't care so much about his well being. But I do. And that puts me in a vulnerable spot. Even though I don't want to get hit again. I don't want to involve authorities in this, or my family. But I think I'm the only one thinking about those consequences.

It's so tough.

I'm good?

Don't you just hate it when people ask you how you're doing and you're feeling like complete shit, but you still reply "I'm good.."
And from time to time in the happiest of tones!!
As if the world and your life and your day isn't shitty enough, now you gotta go and lie about it!!!
It's frustrating because you know that no one really wants to hear this:
"Hey how are you?"
"Well my life is in a head on combat with hell to see who's worse. And let's just say my life's winning."
... *Silence*

No one knows what to say to that... Which is why it's so much easier to say "I'm good" even though its just as difficult and even more heartbreaking. That phrase immediately makes you feel alone and void of friends and family. It's even more poignant if you really are alone with no friends or family (or little friend or family) ..

So if you feel inclined to ask.. Don't. Rather say this:
"Hey, I hope life is treating you well, and if not. Well there's always tomorrow.."

No offense but have you thought this through?

I know that this topic is touchy, and many many people will be twisting their panties before I even plead my case, but first hear me out. And before I even get to the topic at hand I must first apologize to anyone that I offend or call out. But I think it's about high time that someone really thought about the whole story. So here I go.


Yeah I know, get your fire and brim stone ready I don't care. I am straight up pro choice and here are my reasons why.

I understand that the argument for not having an abortion is murder and that we should take care of gods creatures and give them a chance at life and so on and so forth I've heard it a thousand times. However we have not considered what would happen if every woman decided to an abortion...
1. Quality of life!

This is important for every human.
Have you seen those female beggars on the subways or the streets? Yeah they decided not to have an abortion and now those precious babies are suffering.
Raising a child is hard, especially in today's society. Especially considering that there is less and less assistance for those in need and there are less and opportunities to generate income to be able to support a family let alone give them the basic quality of life that a human deserves.

Ask yourself this.. People who throw pictures of dead babies in the distraught faces of silent women who have had or contemplated/ing abortions...
Are you willing to assist in supporting that child that you are so determined to save?
Will you give that mother a job? A home??
Diapers? Wipes? Financial support? Emotional support? Physical support?
Will you help her tote her stroller down the stairs of the subway? Or watch her child with the same tender loving care that she would while she goes to work?
Will you protect that child from poverty? Drugs? Bullying? Rape? Murder? Suicide?
Are you willing to create a WORLD where said child can flourish in their own right?
Can you say hands down that you are willing to take civil village-like responsibility for said child?

2. Space!

Again, if every woman decided to have the children they were impregnated with there would be no space on this planet for them.
We are already overpopulated. There isn't enough if a balance between life and death. ( realistically speaking...)

3. State of the world!

Has anyone looked at the world today?
In its entirety?
The United States ALONE is on the brink of a nuclear war... And THIS is what we want to bring children into.
They deserve much better than to struggle their entire lives in whatever conditions fate lays upon them only to DIE because some people just can't get along. Because money and greed and power are more important than the lives of INNOCENT people.
I digress. I can honestly say, that the average haggler on the street passing out pamphlets against abortion has done NOTHING towards the betterment of the world. Not to say that one person can make the world better, but if we decided as a people to to STAND AS A UNITED FRONT and stop squabbling about people's personal business we'd be much farther in having a world worth living in than we are now.

Now don't get me wrong.
I have a daughter. I was told to have an abortion because otherwise I'd be messing up my future. I was threatened with losing everything if I didn't have an abortion.
I didn't.
I did lose a lot of things, and things are most definitely a mess, but I gained a beautiful loving daughter. However as I have said, IT'S HARD! Even more so for minorities, and people that are of low income. It's nearly IMPOSSIBLE to give your child the life they deserve..

Tell me is this REALLY fair to the child???
To have to LIVE a unsatisfactory life??

In my case for example, my daughters father and I don't have the best of relationships. I chose to have my daughter because at the time I loved him and I wanted my baby and I figured we could work it out together as a family. Things changed as other factors came into play. Finances, family, depression, jobs, etc. Come to find out we're severely incompatible. I'm a mush and he's overly aggressive. My daughter has had to witness arguing, cheating, hurting, crying, screaming, she's had to witness the disintegration of mommy and daddy. That's not fair to her. And though she is only a child now, she won't be forever...this brings me to..

Factoring in what happens when the child grows up? There are just a plethora of hardships that can come along. And this could in turn out to cause more harm then help to society.

Last but not least. Please understand that an abortion is NOT easy for the average woman. It takes a SEVERE mental, emotional, physical toll on her body, mind, and entire psyche!
But it is a CHOICE that WE HAVE TO MAKE!
It is NOT YOUR body that has to go through the confusing and sometimes traumatic period of pregnancy and the hardship of labor..
Nor is it your LIFE that will FOREVER be altered by this CHOICE.

So please take a moment, walk two moons and grasp this intense decision in its entirety.

Now YOU have a choice. To be compassionate and understanding and put your efforts and power into helping the children that are ALREADY HERE and are SUFFERING. Then think about creating a stable future for the ones to come.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

The show goes on...

As a result of my shenanigans last night, or early this morning rather . I am currently exhausted. And I have a long day, which includes a midterm. I'm obviously and justifiably upset

Also note, I have my period. And I'm bleeding profusely. And I forgot to bring extra pads. I've already bled through the one I put on this morning. It's only been 2 hrs!! I don't know how I'm gonna make it through my 3 and a half hour film class 😐

So we're on a break and I bought these sesame snack sticks by pepperidge farm.. THEY'RE MY SAVIOR!!! These things are GREAT!!!

Sooo he calls me up in the middle of class to apologize. I accepted his apology, but in retrospect, I'm still upset. And I still think its time for us to go our separate ways...

I made I through class in piece. I'm gonna head to work and try to make it through that In one piece. Emphasis on try..

Last straw

L has done it again. And for the last time if you ask me. I don't think my heart can take it anymore. Actually, I don't think I have a heart anymore. Last night he berates me with incessant degrading insults complaining about me spoiling Olivia and not pureeing her food... Etc i don't respond, I wasn't looking for a fight but I was livid. It was 3 am mind you. So I was up. couldn't go to sleep .. reading a book on my phone. But im fuming. he pisses me off so much!! hes such a dejected asswhipe and he doesnt even know it. sits up on his ignorant stool with his head so far up his ass he doesnt even realize what he berates in others is actually himself..Eventually Olivia gets fussy, beyond simple consolation. (Shes laying next to me..) I'm going to pick her up a little frustrated now and Kevin whips around and tries to grab her. So I'm upset already so I hit his hand.. And ths fucker slaps me in the face!!!! I was stunned. I asked him "did you just slap me??" He starts yelling some shit that I'm inclined to ignore. I take Olivia silently and turn the other way. I told him to never touch me again. He calls me some more degrading terms and says he wouldn't want to anyway. I'm making my plans to move. ASAP.

More so I'm heart broken.. Sigh