Friday, June 28, 2013

I'm not

I'm not your average girl. This is not your average story. You won't find an average tale hidden beneath the glitz and glory. 
There isn't an average man, child, or person in my life. And there just might not be an average husband at the end, nor an average wife. I can't promise average problems, or solutions with that. As well there won't be an average education or average job to match. My career is not straight forward. Neither is my talent. I have expertise in areas that aren't normal. In ways that's quite unbalanced. 
My average is your quirky. Your zany. Your throw for the loop. It's unconventional but exceptional in the way it's so aloof. You can't put your finger on it, but it makes sense in the end. For its not really about how you feel about it, just the poetry in its lens.
So take a picture, wait a while. Sit back with a nice drink, enjoy the ride. I promise it won't be subtle. I promise to be wild. I promise that it will shock you and leave you stupored in surprise. I promise it won't be average, in your eyes or mine.

Lets call her N

I met her on okcupid believe it or not. After totally giving up on that site/app because tons of people would visit my profile, but none would message. 

And by people I meant women.

I got more then enough men on my profile, but that wasn't what I was looking for. I was looking to be reckless, abandon all concern for what "other people" thought. I wanted to explore the side of me that I kept hidden. For so long. That some people didn't even believe existed. But alas. I left the bait in the water, but nobody bit. 

And then she came along. 

Her first message to me was:
"Everything about you is giving me life!! Is it possible to love someone you never "met?!!"

 And my answer is yes. 

We haven't met face to face. I haven't even heard her voice yet. And I'm unabashedly intrigued. I'm intoxicated. I'm excited and exhilarated. I don't think I've felt like this before. 

We have so much in common that its freaky. The universe is speaking to our souls in many ways. I can't help but think about her all the time. 

I want to learn her nervous habits, and hold her hand as we walk in the park. Sit close while on the train and whisper secrets to each other. Giggle at strangers. Look deep into her eyes while the sun is setting and the Earth is at peace. Feel her warm embrace. Let her cry into my chest. Hold her tight while the night seeps around us. 

A part of me wants to call her mine. 

And yet. I can't. 

L and I have spoken about her, but we haven't yet delved into the possibilities of where my relationship with her can go. 
As for her end, she's just as tied up in a commitment as I am. 

We're lost souls. Reaching for each other. And eternity has brought us together at a pivotal time. 

A part of me is eager. A part of me is scared. 
This is nothing like being with another man. This is nothing like what I've felt for men either. There is an emotional need that I have that she quenches. Whether it be with her poetic words or her expressive feelings. I can't deny how happy she's made me. 

And we haven't even met yet. 

What happens when we do meet?

What if I kiss her and can't stop? 
What if we make love? 
What if we fall in love? 

What if???

What if I feel empty by not being in her presence? 
What if our lives collide? 
What if magic happens?

What if??

All these questions, with no answers. All I know is I'm eager. I'm eager to start a life that I feel like I can call my own. 
I'm eager to answer the call to my heart and soul. 

I want to see what life has in store for me. And I want to do that with N by my side. 

Monday, June 10, 2013


My heart is breaking 
its earth quaking deliberating this
 Fate I'm facing 
there's no space in
 my soul for the taste it 
leaves in my pores 
wanting more from my core. 
I've locked the door but my fears are sprawled on the floor
 it's four and I'm awake with heart ache for pains sake it's all I can take not to cry 
or die 
or try 
to run away 
to the future 
to the day when this has all gone another way, 
when there's nothing to say and peace is in play. 
But alas I'm stuck in the past, this feeling can't last but the present holds fast,
 I'm within pains grasp
 drowning in a river of air 
coddled by despair, 
the treatments impaired
its not all that fair.
 I'm trapped in its lair,
 caged by the page of  age upon me, 
I'm sorry that  I'm not strongly persisting in the midst of the army, 
I've lost my wits to the kiss 
of depression. Dancing lightly in succession with repression.
 Albeit  I've learned a lesson, one cannot lessen 
their own hurt with mere confessions
 of gratitude for their worldly possessions,
 sometimes it takes profession in universal faith, 
acceptance in your mistakes 
and letting yourself feel the heartbreak. 

No words

I think I've reached the pinnacle of fear in my life.

It's not what would first come to mind. In fact, it's probably like 3rd on the list.

I'm afraid to have this abortion.

I'm so scared that I have no words. 

It's not until next week, but as each day passes this life inside me grows and I'm just here to betray it. 

If prayed to the mother Goddess, and to God, and even to the child. Asking for some type of forgiveness. I've asked if I could have my child back one day. But sometimes I wonder, if I deserve my chile back. 
I don't consider myself a bad person. I consider my circumstances to be bad. 
That only reflects my strength as a person. 
Alas, I don't consider myself strong enough. 
My best friend has been trying to convince me to look at the positive side of every situation. 
I can't seem to find one for this one.
Except that I might, hopefully be giving this child a chance at a better life, in another lifetime. He won't have to be disappointed by my hardships, or his fathers inability to really father. 
Am I being selfish by not having the child? By not choosing adoption? 
I don't know. I do know though that if I carry this child to term, he is mine. No matter what the struggle I am not strong enough to give him up once I've gone that far....
However I am used to pain and depression. So I think I can wallow in my loss before its even happened. And even though its my causing. 

I'm going to have a medicational abortion. Which means that they'll give me a pill which will cause me to miscarry. 

L offered to come with me. But my best friend doesn't think he's sensitive/compassionate enough. She suggested my mom come with me. I think that's a good idea actually. If she doesn't mind.  And if she's available...

Or I might just go with L. Sigh, but he has to work, we need the money. 

For now I have to just go one step at a time....