Friday, June 28, 2013

Lets call her N

I met her on okcupid believe it or not. After totally giving up on that site/app because tons of people would visit my profile, but none would message. 

And by people I meant women.

I got more then enough men on my profile, but that wasn't what I was looking for. I was looking to be reckless, abandon all concern for what "other people" thought. I wanted to explore the side of me that I kept hidden. For so long. That some people didn't even believe existed. But alas. I left the bait in the water, but nobody bit. 

And then she came along. 

Her first message to me was:
"Everything about you is giving me life!! Is it possible to love someone you never "met?!!"

 And my answer is yes. 

We haven't met face to face. I haven't even heard her voice yet. And I'm unabashedly intrigued. I'm intoxicated. I'm excited and exhilarated. I don't think I've felt like this before. 

We have so much in common that its freaky. The universe is speaking to our souls in many ways. I can't help but think about her all the time. 

I want to learn her nervous habits, and hold her hand as we walk in the park. Sit close while on the train and whisper secrets to each other. Giggle at strangers. Look deep into her eyes while the sun is setting and the Earth is at peace. Feel her warm embrace. Let her cry into my chest. Hold her tight while the night seeps around us. 

A part of me wants to call her mine. 

And yet. I can't. 

L and I have spoken about her, but we haven't yet delved into the possibilities of where my relationship with her can go. 
As for her end, she's just as tied up in a commitment as I am. 

We're lost souls. Reaching for each other. And eternity has brought us together at a pivotal time. 

A part of me is eager. A part of me is scared. 
This is nothing like being with another man. This is nothing like what I've felt for men either. There is an emotional need that I have that she quenches. Whether it be with her poetic words or her expressive feelings. I can't deny how happy she's made me. 

And we haven't even met yet. 

What happens when we do meet?

What if I kiss her and can't stop? 
What if we make love? 
What if we fall in love? 

What if???

What if I feel empty by not being in her presence? 
What if our lives collide? 
What if magic happens?

What if??

All these questions, with no answers. All I know is I'm eager. I'm eager to start a life that I feel like I can call my own. 
I'm eager to answer the call to my heart and soul. 

I want to see what life has in store for me. And I want to do that with N by my side. 

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