Monday, June 10, 2013

No words

I think I've reached the pinnacle of fear in my life.

It's not what would first come to mind. In fact, it's probably like 3rd on the list.

I'm afraid to have this abortion.

I'm so scared that I have no words. 

It's not until next week, but as each day passes this life inside me grows and I'm just here to betray it. 

If prayed to the mother Goddess, and to God, and even to the child. Asking for some type of forgiveness. I've asked if I could have my child back one day. But sometimes I wonder, if I deserve my chile back. 
I don't consider myself a bad person. I consider my circumstances to be bad. 
That only reflects my strength as a person. 
Alas, I don't consider myself strong enough. 
My best friend has been trying to convince me to look at the positive side of every situation. 
I can't seem to find one for this one.
Except that I might, hopefully be giving this child a chance at a better life, in another lifetime. He won't have to be disappointed by my hardships, or his fathers inability to really father. 
Am I being selfish by not having the child? By not choosing adoption? 
I don't know. I do know though that if I carry this child to term, he is mine. No matter what the struggle I am not strong enough to give him up once I've gone that far....
However I am used to pain and depression. So I think I can wallow in my loss before its even happened. And even though its my causing. 

I'm going to have a medicational abortion. Which means that they'll give me a pill which will cause me to miscarry. 

L offered to come with me. But my best friend doesn't think he's sensitive/compassionate enough. She suggested my mom come with me. I think that's a good idea actually. If she doesn't mind.  And if she's available...

Or I might just go with L. Sigh, but he has to work, we need the money. 

For now I have to just go one step at a time....

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