Probably the only person I don't hate at the moment is Olivia. Because I could never hate her. It's not possible. No matter how upset I am, I look at her and peace and love floods me. She is my happiness. Manifested in a human form.
Which means that I no longer have it. She is all the best parts of me. Therefore I am only all the worse.
Never thought of that until this precise moment. As I write this on the subway to work. Aware of every wrong that's taking place. Things have only gotten worse since I last posted and I thought it'd be impossible but of course there's always room for another hole, even if it means making one that already exist bigger.
I don't know. All I can do is write. This weekend is all I've got.
Here's how I'm going to do it.
I'm going to look for an apartment, aggressively. For just myself. And my daughter. Studio or 1 bedroom. I will get an apartment by next week. And I will use every penny I have to do so. But ill be in a place. L is no longer working so he's not tied down to the Bronx by convenience. He can choose to stay here and find a room or bunk with me and Olivia until he finds a place of his own.
I'm going to put all my energy into this. This is my last affront. If it doesn't work I'm going to a shelter, or rather... A homelessness prevention unit. In hopes that they give me the boost I need. In fact I might go there anyway. During my intense search. By Wednesday of next week I will be out of this current apartment. And I'll do it my way on my terms. I'm going to stop caring about other people. Because its only brought about my suffering. I am way too important for that. As well, once that's settled, my goal is to get full time work after this summer. One of the companies that I either already am, or have been affiliated with should be able to give me that. At least 24k per year. Ill save up and I'm moving out of the state. Maybe Rhode Island. I'm going to lease a mini copper but before that learn stick shift. On my own. And then I will buy a house. This will of course be with the help of others, but for now I'm doing things on my own.
I know that's what I've been trying to do for the longest, but you can't do things on your own while trying to help other people. I can't do it anymore. I've got to cut my loses.
Sorry mom I love you, but it's YOUR job as a parent to help me up, it shouldn't be a co effort. Because at the end of the day, we just both end up down. So in lieu of that, I'm gonna pull myself up, and then focus on doing my duty.
I've gotten to a very dire point, where I have realized, I didn't get myself here... I thought in had, but in all actuality, I didn't. I've been thinking and thinking to myself, I wish I was cold hearted enough to not have to care/worry about others long enough to care/worry about myself. It's sad, but honest.
I don't have time for idle conversations, friendships, or relationships. I've got the basics of ME to focus on. I can't cater to everyone right now. No longer.
So duly note, I may not post until after I'm sitting in my own place. More than likely on the floor... Till then, wish me good luck, or hard work, or whatever....