Wednesday, July 24, 2013


There's a part of my heart that's reserved  for me and for those who I want to give it to. 

I like to think that one day ill be free to do just that. 

But at this point my heart is not my own. 

It is ruled by convenience and humility. Hope that I can cause change. 

But I have a piece of my heart for those who really deserve it. For that person who understands me fully and makes it skip a beat with just a thought of them. 

That piece is covered in cobwebs in a cold dark corner in the recesses of my body, but it's there. Waiting. Patiently. While the rest of my heart gets beaten and bruised. That part is begging for freedom like a guilt tripped abusee.   

He's said before that he sometimes believes that I prefer that he treats me that way. I don't get that... 

Is that what happens when you get emotionally/verbally abused so much that you can't even fight it anymore? Until it gets to the point where others think you enjoy it? 

I wish I knew. 

I don't understand. What to do.... Where to to get rid of this emptiness I feel. How to stop berating and blaming myself for the way others treat me. How to grow up. How to be a woman. How to be a person. How to help this deeply hurt child in my soul. How to make sense of all of this. How to get what I want. How to get love, be loved, feel love. And how to properly return it. 
Who to love and who not to...

I wish I knew. 

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