Monday, September 2, 2013


People are weird.

No let me rephrase that.

I'm weird.
I'm not like other people.
I don't have friends. I don't go out. I don't retell stories that start with, "I remember that time when I...when we...when this..."
I don't hang out or chill or "hey, let's do (insert awesome activity) at/on/this (insert time/day of week/month/year/season)
I don't have raging Facebook posts/pics of all the places I've gone/things I've done.
Don't have rings/necklaces/bracelets or tattoos/piercings from when I went (insert awesome place).
I'm fucking boring.
I don't have a black book, notches in my belt, or reasons to get dirty looks.
I don't live on the edge or between the lines.
I don't have a tag that says, "I'm cool because I've been/done/had/went/saw/was apart of.. etc."
I don't have a tag that says, "I'm uncool because.... you get the point.
I'm just here.

Not really doing one thing or another. Not really being one thing or another. Not really fitting in, but not really sticking out.
Like shit. What am I really? I guess, im just weird. Because I'm not weird, and I'm normal, I'm like oatmeal. Kinda bland, but I've got a dash of cinnamon and sugar so I'm not all that bad, but still there's no bang!...
This needs to change.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Am I a terrible, crazy person?

Am I terrible for not wanting any friends at the moment?
I'm at the worse pinnacle of my life and at this point, just a Debby downer I really want to just focus on me and my daughter. So it's hard to get invested in other people's lives. To be honest, it just doesn't concern me. Am I terrible for that?

Am I crazy for wanting to get away, from EVERYBODY?
In many ways, I feel like I've over stayed my welcome. And I need to break away in order to really solidify my independence, within myself. Its hard to explain but it's very tiring relying on other people. At any point in time. Because they begin to hold it against you. Whether or not they do this conciously, at some point in time it manifest in their actions, they way They talk to you, treat you, feel about you. And that just hurts, but it's human. The only way to stop it is yo remove yourself from the situation. And that's what I want to do. I want to do it on my own. Because I know I can. If I had the balls enough to just not care, I could've done it a long time ago. Before things got So out of control. Well It's never too late I always say.

So here's what I want to do. I can't really call it a plan because NOTHING is concrete and there is a possibility that things might change to the point where it doesn't happen. But because it involves me and Olivia only, there's not much that s stopping me. So the "want to do":

Study abroad!
Preferably in Ireland. Study film, the Celtic culture, and learn Gaelic. Im not exactly sure why, I'm drawn to Ireland. But I am, and that's what I want to do.

Make my second documentary!
Kind of a part 2 of the first one. Documenting life after having Olivia. The struggles of trying to gain my independence and learn how to be s good woman and mother. Especially being black and young and virtually single.

Start my production company!
Not entirely sure how this is gonna happen, But I'd like for it to.

Publish a book!
Don't know if it'll be the sci-fi novel I'm working on with my best friend (because I don't think that's gonna pan out anymore and I'll post more on that later) Or if it'll be a biography about my shitty life and the wonders that come with it.

Gain stability!
I don't really plan on staying in Ireland for more than a year, but we'll see how things go. I'm hoping that through my experiences I can create a foundation somewhere or set up shop with a new beginning. If in able to create my own company, plus generate my own income I might be able to go anywhere and do anything. Who knows. Possibilities are endless.

With that being said. In hoping for the best, but my hearts prepared for the worst. I just wonder if these aspirations are crazy or terrible. ....