I believe that I was somewhere around the age of 18 when I started to think about the"future".
A particular event always comes to mind.
I was mad at my family, for some reason or another. They always found reasons to have me mad at them. It's not their fault, it's just the blood. However I decided to leave, walk out the house.
This has not been the first time I had done this.
I have a tendency to run away.
Don't get me wrong, I was coming back. I didn't pack bags or anything. I just went for a walk. A long walk. I needed to think.
No one ever understood the therapy in this. They were just always mad that I never said anything. Why should I? That wasn't the point . The point was to give myself a total break.
But I digress, I walked and walked and walked that day. Far and went to the closest park to get on the swings. In the grand scheme of things, I wasn't very far. We lived in Wesley Chapel FL at the time so nothing was really walking distance but I was a 2 min drive away. I don't remember what I thought about that day. I'm sure I wrote about it in one of my diaries. But I don't think it was important, what was important was I contemplated my reasons for being here. Still. After many attempts to leave, to free myself I was still binded to my life.
As an older person (see I don't see myself as an adult yet, but that's for another post) I know I have ties here.. Olivia.
Some may say, "but what about your family?" Well I love my family and they love me, but honestly they could do without. If I had never existed there would be no foul no harm. But if I didn't exist then neither would Olivia.
No foul no harm still you think?
Well believe it or not she's more important than you know. Than I know .
As well if I disappeared. My family would grieve exponentially but eventually heal. Olivia would always have questions. That I couldn't answer.
At this point I am living day by day. Because it's hard to focus on a future that looks bleak. Or just plain old blank. I can't even hope for anything because dissapointment has tainted me.
Eh, I think that day was the last time I actually looked for the future. At this point Im just wait for it to greet me.