Tuesday, March 3, 2015


I believe I wrote another post on this topic. However, j found it to be relevant again, so I thought I'd bring it up. 

At first I was against writing a depressing post, but then I thought... Wasn't this blog supposed to be a reflection of my actual feelings and thoughts? No holds barred? Of course, so even though there are things (aka Olivia) that excite my life, currently my soul is drowning in depressive thoughts. So I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry for those who would like to see a story of triumph and overcoming. Nothing in my life has been overcame. 

I have just found myself in a slightly less dire situation than before. 

But i digress, disappointment. 

Pretty much I hate everything or everything hates me. I've been trying to ponder what I've been doing wrong, because a lot of time when people complain about their lives they never take any blame. But I want to make sure that it's not me, even though I am my own common factor. I believe its the choices I make. I expectorant from people, from opportunities than those things can ever offer. However that is the only blame I can place on myself. I feel overwhelmed by my need for basic things and the failures in my attempts to achieve them. 

Let's make a list:

My relationship.
I hate it. I hope I'm never in another relationship again. And yes, I do understand that this is a temporary feeling. But I am reveling in it. Because it is consuming me.  It's legit the most disappointing thing in my life. It's making me become someone that I'm pretty sure I'm not. It's breaking my heart and killing me. It's toxic. It's also the entrapment. Well my concern is entrapment. I care too much. About a great many things. Him for one. What would he do if I say leave. He doesn't have many options that are fruitful to him as a man, as a human. But I'm my care for him and his wellbeing I am destroying myself. What to do? 
2.   My job
I hate it. It's a form of stress that has become all too familiar and I can't seem to shake it. I thought when I left my last job that I'd never end up in this situation again, and boy was I wrong. Because BOOM, I'm here practically half dead because I have no more of myself left to give. I had hoped that I could just push through, hit everyday is a damn fight. Almost everything is at this point. And the worst part is it's still not enough pay to be worth the stress. What to do? 
3.   My living situation
I hate it. When will I get the fuck out of the shelter system??!!!! It's the most frustrating thing ever. And it feels like I have no control of how I'm getting out of here. I don't have enough income and my credit sucks, L is just as worthless. What to do?

There might be a 4,5,6... But I can't think of them. Just dwelling on those 3 have given me a major depressive headache. 

I posted earlier about running away... It's a thing for me... I always feel that when shit gets tough get away from it. That's how I feel right now. I wanna pack up Olis' and my things and just fucking go. I don't know where...But I feel like this isn't the place for me. I'm thinking about doing research again. On places I can go, get a leg up. Maybe a program somewhere can help me thrive. Or at least fucking start, like I've been running in circles for years now. It's getting tiresome, I swear. 

It's killing me. There's blood everywhere !! This lifestyle is killing me. 

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