Friday, May 15, 2015

Depressing Shit


Now, I just feel bad. For messing up the good news. But it's not really my fault.

After moving in L and I decided that we could make a pretty good team and wanted to work it out. We had plans for marriage, having another baby (in the far distant future), getting a house eventually. The whole family unit shabang.

I thought we really understood each other and our goals. and that all was going to be well. i thought "finally i'm worth it"

But I was wrong.

Today he threw out of left field that he's looking for a room to rent. He wants to move out.
I've also seen that he's been consistently creating profiles on dating websites. Actively looking for "like minds"... which previously he'd justified as just looking for "friendships" and nothing was serious.  (not sure if he knows that I know about the second part...)

But this all leads me to believe that he want's to break up.. well maybe... but it leaves me to believe that we might not stay together. This just reminds me that I'm not done with this. We're not a couple. We're not engaged. We're not a family. i'm just a baby mama. i'm not worth it. i'm not his like mind. i'm not enough.

**I had typed out a whole lot of not so fun stuff and I guess because my internet was acting terribly it didn't save and then I forgot about it (I could've recovered it if I hadn't..) but please find the jist of my woe below and some additional thoughts below**

Basically he said that he really didn't mean it and that he only said that out of anger (he was angry over something petty) but I find that hard to believe because he always lies about his true feelings.

I feel as though it is possible that he's been lying since the beginning and that either something beyond his control his keeping him here or it's pulling him away. I've done cleansings but I haven't done one for our relationship. (Note: this is very common for the women in my family to not have successful relationships). I thought I didn't need to, thus I ignored the problem - therefore perpetuating it.
All in all I'm sure that this will probably not work out how I wished and hoped and prayed it would. I truly thought this would be it... otherwise why else would I have had a child with him? Of course.. my gut tells me otherwise.

He has been acting different more distant in a way (which he always does when peaking his true feelings. I don't know how to respond to it. Truthfully, I don't know what to do. My best friend said I should break up with him, but at this point when everything is still on such shaky ground that doesn't make sense.

I guess I've just been waiting for him to admit that he doesn't really love me. And that this whole charade wasn't intentional but ultimately his fault because he didn't put an end to it when he had the chance. I've been trying to end this heartbreak for a while now, but he keeps reeling me back in. I'm broken now and I don't see much a future for my heart.

Again.. I've started noticing things and how they are different. I've begun to notice (again) that what I feel with him is not love... or at least not the love I am looking for.

As well, like my best friend pointed out - my ego has gotten the best of me. I didn't want to admit to the world that we didn't work out. Because I'm pretty sure that's what they thought from the beginning but I fought so hard for him... for us. Failure is not normally in my repertoire.

I really could've sworn that I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself through this anymore (with L) but he's persuasive. But I don't know what to do. I'm lonely... really really lonely. And that hurts more than anything. I've encountered a lot of heartbreak in my life and some I've gotten over - others not so much. But this... this... I can't see myself moving past this.. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Shit, I can't even see the tunnel. I just know it's dark and cold and this.. this.. this... is some depressing shit..

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