So first and foremost I have to apologize for those who wished this blog had more photos.. Maybe one day I'll get to that point. I'd also like to post my video diaries on here at some point in time, but for now, sorry not sorry.
So.. I know I've written about this topic before but it's crossed my mind and it seems a little bit even more prevalent again. So I guess rather than allude to it I'll just put it out there. I'm fucking lonely. I'm such an outsider.
Frankly put I find it hard to find a place to fit in. And with that, I find that I am excluded from most things.
I don't know what it is... am I too Intense? Intimidating? Forgettable? Not funny enough? Not flexible enough? Too poor? Too depressed? Too weird?
I honestly don't fucking get it.. I feel like no matter what I'm invisible. Seriously.
Take this blog for example, I've tried almost everything to get it a little attention on here, even though it's very personal and I'm not really that interested in people I know reading it - I'd like for people I don't know to.. but nada. Of course the internet is a big place so maybe this is a bad example.
So I'll try using any activity or group I try to associate with. I never fit in, and for the most part people forget about me and then lie about forgetting. It's kinda sad.
I can't even make new friends.
I'm even invisible in my relationship, I find myself feeling lonely because there is no more soul connection. Not sure what happened.
Even the other day I was speaking to my best friend and I didn't feel a soul connection. It was heartbreaking (even though I know it was all my imagination.. I hope)
I find that I feel like a damn outcast. Is it because I complain too much?
Is it because I have too many reasons too complain. Can't put my finger on it....
I'm thinking about deleting my social media sites anyway. I don't any type of enjoyment from them to be honest, and there's no socializing done on there. As a matter of fact, I'm going to do that right now.
Oddly enough my phone restarted.... weird... but I feel little better now, albeit more isolated.
I think I'd like to cut a lot of people out of my life. Mostly because they're a waste of space. Not that everyone in your life should be doing something for you - but they should be serving a purpose to enrich your life through friendship or companionship.
(p.s. I've signed up on a pen pal website.. am I pathetic or what???)
I just can't shake this hole in my heart. It's sad. For some reason I feel like further isolation might make me feel better. Maybe I'll be able to at least rid myself of negative energy that comes with having people in your life that just don't give a fuck... Honestly I don't really know.. guess I'll have to follow back up on this in a month.