Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Finally doing it

No, I'm not getting married. I'm finally working on my website!! And I'm going to freelance. I have. I idea what I'm doing. I'm just diving in. 

I did my business cards yesterday, but I fucked up the website so now I have to do them over again. What a headache. 

Okay I worked on my website: waterflows.wix.com/awritersmuse
(I think that's the website...)

I'd really like to be able to purchase a domain by the end of this year, maybe sooner? It's expensive. It can cost me about $100 a year, which isn't bad, but I don't have that to spare just yet. I need to get something solidified by tomorrow. It needs to be live and I need my business cards to match. I'm trying to get all my ideas/talents/work in one place. I'll also feature this on there... Maybe somewhere secret?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I just don't think I'm ready to expose this to people who night actually read it and know who I'm talking about. 

As well in working on a book - based on this blog and my diaries from youth. Hit is absolutely disgusting retyping those entries. I could barely spell!! What the hell??! And I was so angry, and young, and dumb actually. It's gross.  But I realize that it's necessary. People may not like reading it,  but someone might be interested. I might make it an optional chapter.. A thought. 

I've also been writing social political articles in my head all week, I need to get them out. I'm going to generate a schedule next week and start actively carving out time to work on these projects. 

The funny thing is that leisure requires money. And I'm lacking in that department so my mind has been wrXked with trying I find ways to compensate for $$. Now that L isn't working that's even more incentive for me I find another job or to take on some freelanced work. However that's completely easier said than done 

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

A new chapter

Hi again,

So after some very tough times with L. We're still living together and might even be taking a vacation in a few months.. but that's besides the point. The point is that I am still in a place that I don't want to be in. I am not happy in my relationship, but I am not one to kick someone I care about in the dirt (no matter how much he's hurt me..well.. no  matter how much he's annoyed me severely and made my life a living hellooo). I am hoping that maybe if I focus on myself I can just leave on my own.

I would never never never displace my daughter; so I would only leave if I perhaps got into low income housing or I was buying a house (or renting a house for a reasonable price) either way, I'm not budging (no matter how uncomfortable I feel unless those aforementioned cases were in play.

I have that talk with L every so often because I like to gauge where his mind is at, but he still keeps shifting and flipping, I can't keep up with him honestly. The truth is that I know  what I want. But it seems like he has no idea. Recently our sex life has proven more to how he feels because it hasn't been the same in months. It's like there's this disconnect and maybe I've echoed this previously, but it's more prevalent now. It almost feels like we're having sex just because. As if I could be anyone really and as long as he come out with a happy ending all is well. It feels like I'm the only one suffering from this. Perhaps it's because I'm such an emotional person and sex for me is rooted deeply in emotion. If that's not there than I'm just not into it.

This hurts the more I think about it, but it's something that can't be prevented. I've tried everything to make this relationship work, but I honestly know this is temporary. I just wish that he could come to his senses and admit how he truly feels. I hope he doesn't think he's sparing me any pain because in all actuality, I've never felt pain like this before.
My wounds can't close, I can't heal, I can't move on...I'm just stuck in purgatory.