Sunday, October 11, 2015

What's tired?

I guess there's no better time to write than now. 

I don't have access to my music presently and I'm underground so I don't have access to the Internet. Eh. 

I'm thinking about moving to another country. I'm always so tired here. And stressed. When I close my eyes I imagine that I'm sitting in my garden surrounded my greenery and life. Reading a great book, or better yet, writing one. Smelling fresh air, listening to Olivia play. Or maybe she's with friends. Ideally she'd have siblings or a sibling, but I doubt that's going to happen. 
The only thing that's stopping me from running away is money, passports, and quite possibly my degree. If I had the money and I paid off my debts I could potentially transfer to another university abroad. So really it all boils down to money. I thought about another state but that just wasn't enough. It was detached enough. The world is killing me honestly because I'm so heartbroken by its state. If I could have one wish in the world, or one super power it would be the power to change that. Everything else I could deal with, even being poor. But to change the world for the better. Stop all of this hate and mindless deaths.  But alas I have no super power or genie. I have to suffice with doing what I can, and that starts with bettering myself. 

My plan is to maybe move by the end of next year. 

I put in an application for a better position at my job, I qualify in terms of experience but not education. I just barely make the grade. NYCHA may choose not to give me conditional employment and let me meet the qualifications within a year and just shut me down. Or they may give me that chance. If they give me a chance, I'll stay. Otherwise I'm gone by the end of the year. 

I don't really know what I want more. The better paying job will give me a healthy challenge and more money and stability. But the move would give me new life and freedom (maybe, there might still be some grave challenges) and the thing is moving Olivia. I don't know how that'll be for her. I'd like to hope she'd do well, because she's amazing. But one can never know. 

I've been having a hard time sleeping trying to run away from the stress, but it keeps me up either with distractions or with insomnia. Everyone assumes it's because L's not with me for the week, but it's not that. I've been tired for so long now. So long now.

I've shied away from friends and family I guess.  Because being in my own mind is so much easier, it's better for me to handle everything if I  don't have to explain it to anyone or make excuses. Keeping up with everything that's running through my head is more stressful than anything else I've experienced.

Sometimes I do want someone to talk to, but I don't want to burden anyone or annoy them with the same old bullshit. But that's my life, so instead I write here or keep to myself. I like to think that maybe someone, at least one person reads this and understands me. Or maybe not. 

I must be losing my mind because I keep on fucking things up, like getting on the wrong train or not remembering information correctly. My brain is distracted or dying or both. 

I'm so exhausted.  

Written 10/10/15

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