Friday, November 13, 2015

Slow motion

I swear this bus is moving at the slowest speed imaginable to man.

I'm running late, and I hate that shit. 

I've decided that I really need my license, at least. 

My hopes is that I can transition into the position with the other company and be able to stay in my department, in the same office and not too far from my old desk. :D I'm also figuring that I'd also be able to get a car (even if it's a little put put)  and that would make life easier in more ways than one. 

I'm contemplating though, not telling L. There's pros and cons to that. Here's a list of some of my thoughts. 
1. He may not want to know. - like he seriously has a probably addressing the realities of our financial situation. I guess that's because he feels powerless, but most of the time I'm not concerned with his lacking, I just want his input. Even when e was working, I wanted to come together on that front and he preferred to just throw some money at me and shoo me away. I don't operate like that. 
2. I might not want to add additional stress to our situation. He's not very emotionally supportive and will find some way to blame me for everything. 
3. I might not want to know about my potential change in income... Although it would regardless be a change in schedule. 
4. I prefer honesty above all, and I strive to have an open line of communication and I feel like L should be my partner no mater what the situation. Alas most of the time he's the disappointed babies father almost 75% of the time (maybe even more). 
5. I don't want to stress about this by myself. But I don't want his 2 cents.

I don't know what the hell I want anymore.

I'm stressed beyond belief and it's boiling over the edge. This is most definitely a breaking point and it's uncomfortable. I'd like to say that all will work out, but with everything not being ok, it feels like it won't (because if it was going to work out, then this shouldn't be a problem in the first place). But things keep coming at me left and right and it's a goddamn shame. I'm not sure how to handle anything and that indicative not taking to adulthood well. At this point I'm really like fuck it. I'm ready to just throw my hands in the air, leave, move to mexico city, build a bungalow, and live off the charts. But that doesn't sound enticing at all.

I think my biggest issue is I'm a fan of solutions. I like things to just be done. Even if it's a waiting game (like when you purchase something online and you're waiting for it, at least you know the transaction is done.. and now all you have to do is wait.). But at this point I'm not even waiting. I'm just fucking anxious, and everything seems to be in slow motion. I don't like this. I misplaced my debit card and no i have no access to cash or funds for god knows how long, because they won't accept my fucking ID. It's not as if the ID doesn't have my picture, address, signature. Fuck the shit practically has my damn blood sample and DNA.. and these fucking bank assholes would still not accept it. As if I fucking printed the shit in my back yard and decided to use that to take MY OWN FUCKING MONEY!

i swear im having a mini panic attack because this could be detrimental. I need to do laundry, and buy additional stuff for the house, like i can't be fucking broke for the entire weekend. if it was during the week i wouldn't care so much. or if i had no id at all i wouldn't be so upset, mostly because i would be at fault. but i have several forms of pictorial identification, not to mention all of my other credit cards with my name and signature. i also have myself, and lets not mention that it's myfucking money and if i'd like to take it out i should be able to.

i won't be able to concentrate properly until this situation has been resolved. and I cant honestly say that i'm ok with having no money for the weekend. i really should've been paying more attention to whether or not i had my debit card on me. but when you go a week without needing to use it because you have no money whatsoever, then it because a little redundant to keep track of it 24/7. But now it's frustrating having money and not being able to use it. i have a little under an hour until lunch and I cant focus because i need to get this resolved. immediately. it's either they accept some way some how my form of id or i'm closing my account and they'll be hell to pay over that. it's bad enough that i'm living paycheck to paycheck and everything else in my life is out to stress me beyond breaking point, but in addition they want to fucks withmy money!!!?? You don't fucks with a poor womans money. sorry im ranting. 

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