Saturday, December 5, 2015


So I've been deathly sick this week, so unfortunate. Ugh. I fucking hate being sick, but that's not what this post is about.

In other news, aside from me being extremely sick and complaining (which I have a tendency to do.) L has prosed that we have another baby.

And for the first time, I can honestly say I don't think I'm ready. Well, more honestly, I can say I know I don't want another child right now. Here are a few reasons why:

1) L's still not working. Although my income, could potentially be enough to support us, I don't know if it'll work to our benefit to but ourselves in that predicament.

2) I kinda want the freedom of not having another child to worry about just yet. I'd like to create a savings and splurge on vacations

3) I don't want to jeopardize my new position..

4) I'm not healthy enough or physically fit enough

5) I wanted to wait until Olivia was at least 5..

6) I'm worried about my relationship with L. I was hoping that if that was a decision we were going to make that we'd at least be married or at least feel a little bit more stable. Sometimes I still worry that he doesn't want to be with me. I'm not sure what's going to happen with us in the future. Sometimes I absolutely love  being with him and it all feels perfect.

For instance when we had this conversation about having another baby, it was him who brought it up. He even thought it would be a girl. He started on dates. He wants to start next year.. January or February. He even thought of names. He really  likes Love Leiva. I suggested we need a middle name and thought of Alexandria. Like Alexandria Love Leiva or Love Alexandria Leiva (although I like the first one better). He was so dreamy eyed and sure. I felt like everything was ok and this was the right next step for us. But I had to be real. I wasn't ready. And I don't think it's the best step for me or us.

I could go on, but honestly I do want more children - I want them more than I want a lot of things. But I'm sensible at heart, and I know that its just not feasible at this point... but i wish...

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