Thursday, April 28, 2016

Love is Lie

As you must already know. This whole cheating debacle has only escalated.

Wait. Let me break down the series of unfortunate events.

I attempted to not acknowledge L and give myself space to "heal". He wanted to make it up to me, so after much thought, I figured we could "start over".
This included a series of weird text messages that were reminiscent of when we first met, and it was if we didn't know each other. It was actually kind of cute, albeit dorky.

It worked for me because when we headed home I was able to have sex with him without wanting to jump out the window afterward (we even did it twice). We also watched our favorite anime and even cleaned the house together. It was a start. Here's where we made the mistake (that was probably long awaited). We had drinks. Enough to get drunk later on in the night. We had some intimate and soulful conversations. We even talked about the illustrious act of his. We talked about the past and the present and each other, and we then... we talked about what we wanted...

See, L is insistent that he is a man, and that his dick does the thinking sometimes. And essentially he wants to be able to explore that and just that. Meaning he wants to be able to have sex with other women. Tell me about it of course, but essentially keep me his number 1. >.>
I thought about that.. I really thought about it.
But what if I wanted to go outside of the relationship? I like sex too..(I'm not that interested in men anymore so this would mean I'd really be illustrious with other women). Well he said it would be ok. What about other men? He thought he couldn't argue that he would be mad at that if I was ok with his outgoings. >.>
I thought about that.. I really thought about it.

I couldn't agree with it. Sex to me is spiritual. And includes the sharing of important energy. If I'm having meaningless sex then I can't be in a relationship and also have meaningful sex. That's just how I'm set up. I've tried that before and it was disastrous for me and my psyche.
He conceded that he felt like I was closing him in, because he follows his dick and not the other way around (he didn't say that but I added it in in my head...).
I thought about that... I really thought about it. 
Then I thought about it some more and decided to table my feelings on that, because it made me feel like ABSOLUTE. SHIT.

Eventually we decided to go to sleep because it was late, and I invited him back into the bed. Because I wanted to confirm my feelings and quite frankly his feelings. We didn't plan on having sex, but I wanted to see if the intimacy was still there. Mind you I was drunk and depressed as fuck by that point in time, so he brought me to the bed and then brought me extra blankets. When I woke up at 4:45 this morning, he wasn't there next to me. He had stayed on the couch.

That, to me, spoke VOLUMES. But I couldn't understand the message. So I went and woke him up and asked him. He looks at me and pulls me towards him to lay down on the 1/3 of the couch that was left. Seemingly like he was just trying to appease me. I stayed there for about . 2 seconds then went back to the bed to sulk and sleep. But I couldn't my mind had already opened the door for anxiety to creep it's way in. and I NEEDED fucking answers. So I went to wake him up again. This time when he tried the same tactic I pulled away. Then he said this jewel: "I didn't want you to feel hurt". >.>
I thought about that. I really thought about it.
and it hurt more than anything could. Because that means he believed the intimacy would create expectations in my mind that he could not fulfill. (maybe, this is my interpretation, but most importantly this how the message felt when it ripped a black hole in my chest).

It was then that I realized that he really did feel trapped by the idea that he couldn't be himself in the relationship or rather he had to be exclusive in the relationship. He doesn't come from a family of "relationships" so the idea was new and uncomfortable to him. So he probably rejected it in the back of his mind. I never realized he felt like this, but it would explain a lot. I actually completely understand and although I was initially angry (I seriously have gone through ALL stages of grief with this one..) I'm not incapable of putting myself in his shoes.

What I am incapable of doing is being the "main" amongst a bunch of others.
And I can't hold him back from finding what works for him. [fucking Coldplay - Fix You is playing right now and I'm losing my shit]

So I think I'm going to break up. At this point in time I've asked him to leave. I'll post the letter after this one (I think I've figured out how to do that properly). And I'll have to take things one day at a time. So much for my happy, so much for my love. I guess I'm just not enough for anyone.

And actual goodbye letter

Dear L,

I left for work early, needed to lick my wounds. I think you should pack your things and leave. {i know i wasted no fucking time} I don't want to cage and/or trap you. And I can't handle another infidelity (even with prior knowledge). I try to. I tried to be someone who I am not for you. I was going to try and compromise EVERYTHING, sacrificing sanity int he process. For you. Because I love you. And I always will  {this is true}, but that's not enough. But I understand. I can't blame you. And I appreciate your honesty. Let's not pretend any longer, because inevitably you'll continue to hurt me, whilst trying not to hurt me. I am damaged enough.
Take the car. I've got public transport. You can either spend more time with Olivia or bring her back this weekend. Keep the key, you're always welcome. Take the suitcases or whatever if you'd prefer to stay... I'll leave. If you want to talk we can, but not until later my heart needs emergency repairs.

Take care of yourself.

Here's the magic

Dear L,

You'll probably never see this. And I kinda hope you don't. Because I don't want you to feel pressured. I don't know why I feel the way I do, why I feel so sure. Or maybe it's that I don't feel sure. I don't feel sure that you feel the same way I do, have the same commitment as I do. But can't really vouch for how you really feel.  

I have to be honest though because I've been lying to you for some time now....

I don't want to be your girlfriend...

I want to be your wife. 
And not in the sense that I've been performing under this entire time. I want to move into the next part of our relationship. Maybe I just want to be reassured that you do love me for me and not for my convenience. 
I've realized over time that no matter what has Happened with us or between us I still love the fuck out of you. If we part today, I'll still love the fuck out of you.    If I pass or heaven forbid you pass, I'll still love the fuck out of you. You are my best friend man. Shit, you've worked your way so far into my blood.... 
Don't get me wrong I understand how non important being recognized by the government is, but that's now why I want to get married. (Trust me I'm terrified of fucking it up..) the reason why is because I want to feel reciprocated in these feelings.. 

Well that's a little bit of a lie.

 I want the world to know our love is reciprocal. I want to feel special. I want to feel like against all odds you'd choose me. 

Eh, I'm sappy I know. I can't help it, I've never experienced "love" in my family. I don't think many people in my family love their significant others. Maybe they used to, but it sure doesn't look like it anymore. I guess I kinda want to prove that ideal wrong. That love does exist and I've got it. I'm not a failure and what my heart feels is true. 

I don't want you to marry me for other people and I don't want you to marry me because I said so, or because you feel sorry for me. 


I want you to be sure, and honest with yourself. And I want you to work hard for it. To put it, no, US above it all. And to put all your effort and energy into manifesting the beauty that's within our possibility. 


That's for you to decide. 

I just want you to know, I love you. You've seriously brought out the best in me. I learned how to accept and experience things I never thought I would with you. And whatever you decide I'll be happy with, I just hope that you'll make decisions that'll make me happy. 


Love is abstract

I'm gonna post this first. Then post my letter to L. Just because I'm fucking cynical. And it feels like it'd be a nice surprise. 

So all was well with my return to the US until I found out some nuclear news. 

L cheated on me again. 

It was before I even left the country. 

It was with a Bitch I've met before and regarded nicely. 

It was with said bitch more than once. 

It was a mistake, but there's no mistaking this rapture on my soul. 


He told me while we were watching a favorite tv show of ours, Awkward. 
 I guess the shit going on in the show hit too close to his guilty conscious. I was in utter shock. I left the apartment and immediately went to drown myself in alcohol. I was alone physically, but I spoke to two friends to help me not fall out and die. 

He expressed how terrible he feels. How much he loves me.. How much he fucked up.  Yada, yada...


The worst part is that I really do love that asshole. I wanted to marry him. Have another child..... But. 


Thursday, April 21, 2016

Food... for thought

The hardest thing about this trip is the food deprivation. Grenada doesn't really have a national food style perse, there's fruits and stuff like that that are native to here, but it's not like Columbia.. even though Colombian food is essentially spanish, each Spanish Isle has it's own "style" of food. Or like China and Chinese food or Italy and Italian food. You get what I mean.
I've just come to realize that I miss "American" food, which isn't really American, I guess, I just miss the diverse selection I'd have. But let's back this train up a bit.
See I'm staying with family, which I'm eternally grateful for (even though they may not think it...) But that also means I'm at the mercy of what they have and/or what they cook. I HATE to be a bother, so I try not to ask for anything specific. I really didn't want them going out of their way to spend extra money trying to make me feel culinarily comfortable. However come to find since their fridge wasn't working they didn't have much of anything. So I've been semi-starving myself. This is only made worse by my bad habit of eating all the shit in sight (because even though I obtain enough sustenance to survive my stomach still feels deprived #privalgeproblems).
Plus I love food and I've just been craving something entirely satisfying. My aunt made a meal the second day we were here and it was
But now all I want is Chinese food.. or dominican food.. or a fucking grilled cheese. Or a fresh bagel. (eh, I could do without the bagel, but some homemade {microwaved, Quaker, cinnamon and sugar} oatmeal would be nice). yummmmmmm food.

A nice cool - medium temp would be nice too.

But more than anything I've come to truly appreciate my home. (im kidding i've always had the utmost appreciate for my 4 corners...)
The social awkwardness of being in someone else's home, especially with a rag-tag 3 year old Leo (God I'm ready to ship her to another island) is almost too much to bear. I'd like to hope that I'd never made anyone feel this way (but maybe I I don't think so..but I also have limited space and very peculiar man living with me.)
The hardest part is I don't know what's expected of me, or what's not expected of me. Sends my anxiety into a fucking tizzy. I don't like being uncomfortable. That's all that it really boils down to.

But back to food. A good Grandma slice would hit the spot.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Is it you? Or is it these damn chemicals in my brain?

Ever since I've been on this trip and away from L, I've been all in my feelings about everything. For the most part I miss him and he misses me. He tells me everyone thinks he looks lonely and sad.
I can't wait to see him again. I really do miss spending time with him. It's got me thinking about us and our future, but I really should put a hold on all of that thought and talk. I know we're not going anywhere near the next level until he's working and making steady (good) money. And I know a big contribution to that is his addiction to MJ so.... yeah...
However I've decided to move forward with my life and relationship goals so that's why I'm trying for another baby. [this is on top of going back to school, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, so I'm about to make #blackgirlmagic happen].

What's been bothering me is that i've also been really emotional recently. I was fine a few days ago. I spoke with L and it was good to hear his voice, but talking only made me miss him more. In addition it's like everything here is making me emotional. Every time I turn around SOMETHING IS MAKING ME SAD. I had a damn anxiety attack yesterday after an I went into the kitchen to get something to eat and my uncle questions what I was in there for. my mind immediately went into the self conscious mode where I second guessed everything and although i'm not sure how he actually meant his inquiry it still hurt my feelings and I ended up going to bed hungry. I told L about how i felt and he basically ignored it. This only sent me tumbling into a spiral of emotions. Further exemplified when I woke up. I decided to give him a call since Olivia wanted to talk to him and he seemed upset when he answered.  He was dismissive and almost angry. He said he was tired and i know he's not a morning person but he didn't even bend for Olivia, he was just..... idk done.. idk.
That hurt me more than anything, and that hurt turned into worry and of course the inevitable self consciousness, all sorts of crazy ideas popped into my head and I don't like (or trust) any of them.
Can't pin point the real issue. Maybe it's because i'm hungry. Haven't had a really satisfying meal in a while. And there's no snacks for me to eat my feelings away. It could also be that I'm pregnant (that would definitely set my emotions into  tizzy and make me highly irrational).
But L has not yet called me back.... so who knows. I won't bother him until it's time for me to go back home.  I think I'll just get cozy with my own thoughts... sigh.


For the first time in foreverrrrrrrr. I've taken a vacation to visit my family in Grenada. It's a robust 8 day's, which to some sounds like not enough time, but it's more than enough for me. Just considering that work is at it's height and it's Olivia's first time, anything longer than that I'd need to be more prepared for. So maybe next year we can do a little longer.

But the trip so far has been amazing. Olivia is having great time. It's good to see everyone and everyone enjoys meeting Olivia. We went to the beach yesterday and had a excellent time. Only downfall is that Olivia got a really high fever last night (104) and we had to pat her down with ice rags. It was so bad and she was shaking and crying, but thankfully my aunt really put in the work and got her fever down. She's looking much better today.

Overall, I'm looking forward to a really great time. I'll have to come and post some pics when I get back home. I'm also going to do one large post with my day to day break downs.

I wish I had a GoPro. The videos would've been out of this world.