Thursday, April 28, 2016

Here's the magic

Dear L,

You'll probably never see this. And I kinda hope you don't. Because I don't want you to feel pressured. I don't know why I feel the way I do, why I feel so sure. Or maybe it's that I don't feel sure. I don't feel sure that you feel the same way I do, have the same commitment as I do. But can't really vouch for how you really feel.  

I have to be honest though because I've been lying to you for some time now....

I don't want to be your girlfriend...

I want to be your wife. 
And not in the sense that I've been performing under this entire time. I want to move into the next part of our relationship. Maybe I just want to be reassured that you do love me for me and not for my convenience. 
I've realized over time that no matter what has Happened with us or between us I still love the fuck out of you. If we part today, I'll still love the fuck out of you.    If I pass or heaven forbid you pass, I'll still love the fuck out of you. You are my best friend man. Shit, you've worked your way so far into my blood.... 
Don't get me wrong I understand how non important being recognized by the government is, but that's now why I want to get married. (Trust me I'm terrified of fucking it up..) the reason why is because I want to feel reciprocated in these feelings.. 

Well that's a little bit of a lie.

 I want the world to know our love is reciprocal. I want to feel special. I want to feel like against all odds you'd choose me. 

Eh, I'm sappy I know. I can't help it, I've never experienced "love" in my family. I don't think many people in my family love their significant others. Maybe they used to, but it sure doesn't look like it anymore. I guess I kinda want to prove that ideal wrong. That love does exist and I've got it. I'm not a failure and what my heart feels is true. 

I don't want you to marry me for other people and I don't want you to marry me because I said so, or because you feel sorry for me. 


I want you to be sure, and honest with yourself. And I want you to work hard for it. To put it, no, US above it all. And to put all your effort and energy into manifesting the beauty that's within our possibility. 


That's for you to decide. 

I just want you to know, I love you. You've seriously brought out the best in me. I learned how to accept and experience things I never thought I would with you. And whatever you decide I'll be happy with, I just hope that you'll make decisions that'll make me happy. 


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