Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Is it you? Or is it these damn chemicals in my brain?

Ever since I've been on this trip and away from L, I've been all in my feelings about everything. For the most part I miss him and he misses me. He tells me everyone thinks he looks lonely and sad.
I can't wait to see him again. I really do miss spending time with him. It's got me thinking about us and our future, but I really should put a hold on all of that thought and talk. I know we're not going anywhere near the next level until he's working and making steady (good) money. And I know a big contribution to that is his addiction to MJ so.... yeah...
However I've decided to move forward with my life and relationship goals so that's why I'm trying for another baby. [this is on top of going back to school, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, so I'm about to make #blackgirlmagic happen].

What's been bothering me is that i've also been really emotional recently. I was fine a few days ago. I spoke with L and it was good to hear his voice, but talking only made me miss him more. In addition it's like everything here is making me emotional. Every time I turn around SOMETHING IS MAKING ME SAD. I had a damn anxiety attack yesterday after an I went into the kitchen to get something to eat and my uncle questions what I was in there for. my mind immediately went into the self conscious mode where I second guessed everything and although i'm not sure how he actually meant his inquiry it still hurt my feelings and I ended up going to bed hungry. I told L about how i felt and he basically ignored it. This only sent me tumbling into a spiral of emotions. Further exemplified when I woke up. I decided to give him a call since Olivia wanted to talk to him and he seemed upset when he answered.  He was dismissive and almost angry. He said he was tired and i know he's not a morning person but he didn't even bend for Olivia, he was just..... idk done.. idk.
That hurt me more than anything, and that hurt turned into worry and of course the inevitable self consciousness, all sorts of crazy ideas popped into my head and I don't like (or trust) any of them.
Can't pin point the real issue. Maybe it's because i'm hungry. Haven't had a really satisfying meal in a while. And there's no snacks for me to eat my feelings away. It could also be that I'm pregnant (that would definitely set my emotions into  tizzy and make me highly irrational).
But L has not yet called me back.... so who knows. I won't bother him until it's time for me to go back home.  I think I'll just get cozy with my own thoughts... sigh.

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