Thursday, April 28, 2016

Love is Lie

As you must already know. This whole cheating debacle has only escalated.

Wait. Let me break down the series of unfortunate events.

I attempted to not acknowledge L and give myself space to "heal". He wanted to make it up to me, so after much thought, I figured we could "start over".
This included a series of weird text messages that were reminiscent of when we first met, and it was if we didn't know each other. It was actually kind of cute, albeit dorky.

It worked for me because when we headed home I was able to have sex with him without wanting to jump out the window afterward (we even did it twice). We also watched our favorite anime and even cleaned the house together. It was a start. Here's where we made the mistake (that was probably long awaited). We had drinks. Enough to get drunk later on in the night. We had some intimate and soulful conversations. We even talked about the illustrious act of his. We talked about the past and the present and each other, and we then... we talked about what we wanted...

See, L is insistent that he is a man, and that his dick does the thinking sometimes. And essentially he wants to be able to explore that and just that. Meaning he wants to be able to have sex with other women. Tell me about it of course, but essentially keep me his number 1. >.>
I thought about that.. I really thought about it.
But what if I wanted to go outside of the relationship? I like sex too..(I'm not that interested in men anymore so this would mean I'd really be illustrious with other women). Well he said it would be ok. What about other men? He thought he couldn't argue that he would be mad at that if I was ok with his outgoings. >.>
I thought about that.. I really thought about it.

I couldn't agree with it. Sex to me is spiritual. And includes the sharing of important energy. If I'm having meaningless sex then I can't be in a relationship and also have meaningful sex. That's just how I'm set up. I've tried that before and it was disastrous for me and my psyche.
He conceded that he felt like I was closing him in, because he follows his dick and not the other way around (he didn't say that but I added it in in my head...).
I thought about that... I really thought about it. 
Then I thought about it some more and decided to table my feelings on that, because it made me feel like ABSOLUTE. SHIT.

Eventually we decided to go to sleep because it was late, and I invited him back into the bed. Because I wanted to confirm my feelings and quite frankly his feelings. We didn't plan on having sex, but I wanted to see if the intimacy was still there. Mind you I was drunk and depressed as fuck by that point in time, so he brought me to the bed and then brought me extra blankets. When I woke up at 4:45 this morning, he wasn't there next to me. He had stayed on the couch.

That, to me, spoke VOLUMES. But I couldn't understand the message. So I went and woke him up and asked him. He looks at me and pulls me towards him to lay down on the 1/3 of the couch that was left. Seemingly like he was just trying to appease me. I stayed there for about . 2 seconds then went back to the bed to sulk and sleep. But I couldn't my mind had already opened the door for anxiety to creep it's way in. and I NEEDED fucking answers. So I went to wake him up again. This time when he tried the same tactic I pulled away. Then he said this jewel: "I didn't want you to feel hurt". >.>
I thought about that. I really thought about it.
and it hurt more than anything could. Because that means he believed the intimacy would create expectations in my mind that he could not fulfill. (maybe, this is my interpretation, but most importantly this how the message felt when it ripped a black hole in my chest).

It was then that I realized that he really did feel trapped by the idea that he couldn't be himself in the relationship or rather he had to be exclusive in the relationship. He doesn't come from a family of "relationships" so the idea was new and uncomfortable to him. So he probably rejected it in the back of his mind. I never realized he felt like this, but it would explain a lot. I actually completely understand and although I was initially angry (I seriously have gone through ALL stages of grief with this one..) I'm not incapable of putting myself in his shoes.

What I am incapable of doing is being the "main" amongst a bunch of others.
And I can't hold him back from finding what works for him. [fucking Coldplay - Fix You is playing right now and I'm losing my shit]

So I think I'm going to break up. At this point in time I've asked him to leave. I'll post the letter after this one (I think I've figured out how to do that properly). And I'll have to take things one day at a time. So much for my happy, so much for my love. I guess I'm just not enough for anyone.

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