Thursday, June 23, 2016

It's Ouija

I wonder if it's just me or does anyone else feel like their dying so they go to the doctor and it's as if the problem goes away, it's not even relevant and the doctor makes you feel a little awkward about even brining it up... Causing you to feel as if you need to have your guts laying on the ground before even attempting to bring up any issues ever again. Essentially everything in your life feels de-validated, as if you're living a lie.???

Well that's me.

That's fucking me. 

I'm supposed to be following up with so many things (medically) but I feel like I'm insane now so I'll just let them slip away. 
And then I thought I had a legitimate issue at work, and I did.. I do.. But it's been de-validated so I feel like a shit head. I wanna go hide in a rock. Not that I don't have any reason to be concerned (with that whole debacle I just feel more concerned) but the air around it just let me know I made a mistake talking abut it. It's like in a horror story talking about the ghost dimension or then"other side" makes the ghost, demon, ect. aware of your presence. 

Oh well..???? I guess. I just have to pretend I didn't just metaphysically die today. I have to stop fighting the system. Because it's fucked up in so many ways. 

And now I can't go back. I can't go back to not being sick, or not being broke, or stressed, or worried. I can't go back to not being the black sheep at work.. (Not literally though, half of us are black) but I feel like someone's watching me.. Trying to get me to fuxk up and then proceed to destroy me (I know who it is, and yes she's white) 
I can't go back to being happy. It's almost gone. 
I'm heading towards breakdown valley and I can't stand that. I've got too many pent up emotions and I don't think I'll make it much farther.  I worked so hard to get better. So hard to compromise. So hard to be the perfect thing. Well not perfect, but ideal. Without losing who I am. But now I'm just metaphysically dead. That's it. 

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