Wednesday, July 13, 2016


Ad•dic•tion (noun) The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity. Synonyms: dependency, dependence, habit, problem...

I didn't think to consider myself an addict but I realized recently that one can be addicted to almost anything. Here are some things I'm addicted to:

  • Intimacy : kissing, cuddling, rubbing, holding, being close to another human is like a need. It fuels my blood. It's possible that it could be a sexual need that drives me. Not sure... But I do know that sex isn't an exclusive part of this. I can actually do without sex, but the other stuff... I cannot.
  • Pregnancy: this isn't exact, because I've only been pregnant twice, with only one child going to full term. But it's preggo season and I can't stand it. I want a baby in me so bad, it's become ridiculous. I feel so bad that I haven't gotten pregnant yet. What the fuck happened to that: "it only takes once without a condom" bullshit. Shit I feel fertile as fuck and I can't get pregnant to save my life. Every time I try to forget about it, I start having faux symptoms and then my damn period shows up and gets me even more depressed. 
  • Alcohol: didn't realize how much I liked this shit. But it really is my go to when shits hits the fan. I'm literally two steps from being an alcoholic. What's even more dangerous is that if I go back on medication then I'll be a druggy/alcoholic who'll eventually be in rehab. So I've gotta watch myself. 
  • Writing: whenever I go too long without writing I go insane. Like literally, I lose my shit. Even though I don't do it as often as I wish, it's actually killing me that I'm not. Which is where the depression comes in. When I'm having an attack, it stops me from wanting to do anything. Which in effect make me even more depressed. Hate that shit. 
  • Helping people: even to my own detriment. I have no idea how my life will turn out, but I've already realized that it's not my own to enjoy. 
  • Love: so much in fact that I can't make sense of what it actually is. Am I in love? Probably... Probably not. I know I'm in love with my daughter, but am I with L? The possibility is high but I could also just be addicted to him. 
  • L: this is probably an addition to my love addiction, but for whatever reason I can't seem to figure out my feelings for him. I can get mad at him, but I can't let him go. Sometimes I wonder if our circumstances were different if we'd still be together. I don't like to think about it, but it's the honest truth. 

Its a short list but probably not a complete one. All in all it proves one thing... I'm no less prone to addiction then anyone.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016


I wrote this legit post on the damn Blogger app and I forgot to go back in and save it as a draft so it's gone now. I really hate how that happens because I never feel as inspired. Oh well. Essentially I came back because I've been itching to write. It's been extremely tough on me. And I can feel myself falling apart.

ive considered going back into medication. I have no idea how it's going to affect me, but I think I need to at least give it a try. I can't continue to struggle trying to cope. I feel like everyday is challenge not to fail, but I end up just failing anyway.

Lets not even start on my financial situation. This car has taken me out of my mind. Every time things are going beautifully, the car ends up derailing it.

But im almost sure the car is cursed. I never saged it too.

i need my license too. Like I need my license a year ago. I've got to... GOT TO... Get back on track, because if I don't I'm going to go insane.

Stress has moved into every aspect of my life at this point. A large part o my being, has completed given up. But the other past just wants to past this.

can someone just give me money??