I've figured out why Im so upset that I can't have another child.
This thought came to me last night after a bought in the bed, where I exclaimed again that L still hasn't gotten me preggo, and he claimed that it's not him. And that perhaps it's the universe saying that it's not the right time. And I thus began to explain that my other pregnancies where not during the right time, but they happened anyway. No matter what the detriment to my self being.
i explain this all to say that it made me think... Why do I care so much??? I honestly don't think having another child both with L and at this point in time isn't a good idea. As well, considering my health and issues with Olivia's health, it's even worse.
I think it's just I'm tired of failing.
Ive always thought that no matter what, it's quite possible that all I was meant to do here on this plane of existence is be a mother. That's it. I'm not here for self fulfillment, not here for love, not here for anything but nurturing.
However, if I can't do that... Then what the hell am I worth? I'm just a piece of toolery.
And it's possible that my linear trajectory is just to serve as an incoherent character in a back story.