Monday, August 1, 2016

Just because it's going doesn't mean it'll get there

I'm trying to be optimistic. Because there's butterflies every where I look, and my right hand keeps stretching and I'm feeling a little duped by hot weather, however all food things come with a price right? Well I'm hoping not, but the stress and discomfort is still looming.
I tried getting in touch with a psychologist but I think her office might be closed?? Because I've left more messages than I can remember and no one has responded.

It's been day after day that I fee like I'm getting farther away from the things that I thought mattered. I'm betwixt wanting to give every fuck, and not wanting to give a single fuck. It's a tough line...

And fight now now I can't seem to get ahead on any platform. Or focus on any platform. I'm just running like a depressed chicken with no head in no general direction... Probably in circles. I'm hoping for reform, and reprise.

Ive pondered over my life and relationship, and mostly I've come to realize that I'm not only not where I want to be, but I'm not where I should be. I love L, and sometimes he's excellent. Most of the time he's great. But it times he can be so damaging. And I really do have to wonder about what the opposite of his actions would be rather than what his actions are. And then I ask myself how should one act if they really love another one unconditionally. See I love him unconditionally, our relationship may have permitters (but not many conditions) I have expectations (but not many conditions) and that's it. At the end of the day, I somehow manage to still be IN LOVE with him, no matter what. And I don't think I'm getting the same in return. Altough he swears up and down... Do I were ally expect my dream 2018 weeding? No. Do I expect my real engagement ring that he bought? No. Do I expect that we'll get to that ideal that I have in my head about a beautiful wedding on small island off the coast of Honduras, with only a few friends and family? No. Do I expect more children. No. Do I expect the travels, the house, the cars?? No.

But it I do still dream. I don't dare hope, that's for weaklings that don't know what heartbreak means. So I'm grooming myself for heartbreak, while dreaming for love. Everyday is a dance between growth and shrinkage. Not sure who'll win, but I'm prepared for both. If I end up alone, I'll suffice to be lonely. I don't foresee myself going much further then that anyway.

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