Tuesday, August 30, 2016

The monster is me

Originally written about a month ago:

If I didn't hate cigarettes so much I'd be a chain smoker for sure.

I Don't feel it's my fault that I'm not happy.
Its just my life. I have every right to be stressed and I hate feeling like I don't.
I put up with a lot of stuff, and I always seem to find myself fighting by myself. Struggling by myself, stressing by myself. I might as well be by myself right.

i wrote this last night actually. I'm was having a bad day and I got into an inevitable argument with L (well rather he said something that didn't sit right with me., actually infuriated me) and I ended up leaving the house for a while. He was upset because its dangerous out here (it is actually) and I didn't tell him where I was going (I actually got a slushie and walked around the block and then sat and drank it until my phone died). I was mad because whenever he's upset or just needs to chill he can go smoke and be fine, and I'm just stuck here with all my stress and pent up feelings. And then he always blames me for being upset. What the fuxk does he expect?
Well eventually I went back home and he talked to me about it. Whatever, he made a point, but I'm not sure how much I believe him. It's just who I am and he's got to suck it up, at least until I get medicated. But in the heat I took my ring off and I thought I put it back on this morning but I didn't. And I'm not sure if it's still by the sink where I originally left it. 😪 Sigh.

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