Originally written a week ago:
It's been several months of disgusting depression. It's like everything seems to be going wrong. And I can't get a leg up no matter what I do. I'm trying to take it in stride, day by day.
But through all of this, there has been some things that have made me feel better.
1. I've started talking to my Best friend again. We haven't gotten to have a full conversation, but I can feel myself calling her. I miss her a lot and it would be good to just shoot The shit and chat. Maybe I'll be back to normal soon?
2. My relationship with L has become so intense, and so beautiful. I don't really know how to explain it.... We talk, and the conversations are amazing. We fight, but it's not heartbreaking. And the sex.. The sex is mind blowing. And he's grown so much emotionally. We still have our faults but, it's not like before. He's so fucking loving and he shows it. I think it's weird, but when everything else is bad... We're good. Sometimes he just touches me and it's a vibe that I can't put my finger on. It's like home. When he have sex, it's making love and it isnt at the same time. It's fierce and it makes me want to write again. It brings poetry to my lips and novels to my hands.
maybe I'm just addicted. Maybe the sex is like magic and I'm under a spell, maybe he's under a spell too... Maybe it'll wear off. But... But. Maybe it won't. Doesn't the saying go, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
and trust me, I'm a big believer in disappointment and I'm such a wuss I'm terrified that he'll change his mind and I'll still be stuck under this spell. But Im so fucking happy with him, I'm so content in my relationship. I can't fucking wait to walk down that eisle towards him, to see his surprised face, to see his excitement, and to feel his heart beating. I dream about that shit. And I'm pretty sure I stopped believing in love.
Well. My right hand is waiting for my left. It's waiting for the tide to turn and for me to grow into the life I'm meant to live.