Olivia goes to a school that's down to earth, but what I'd like to call for worldly people. Not really for people like me.
people who work hard but still live in struggle city.
Its for those stay at home, independent worker duos. Where one parent has a lofty and maybe demanding job and the other has the full time job of keeping shit together.
I always wanted that, but I was born black and poor so that wasn't going to happen. The Universe constantly whispers, "Thanks for trying though..." However as I struggled to get Olivia to school be a supportive parent, then shuffle her to a babysitter and try to be an appropriate employee.. I realized. This shit isn't for you girl.
I have two choices.. Drop work and take care of my child, myself, my life.. And pave the path I always wanted my way.. Or give in to being a zombie and maybe consider sending Olivia to live with another person. (Or prostitute so that I can afford a full time babysitter, but I'm not too fond of that option.)
anyway long story short... After having a breakdown at work I realized I had to put in my notice. I can't do this anymore. This job has been killing me for the past 6 months, and it's not getting any better. I'm crushed emotionally, creatively, and a little professionally. I've been drowning and I can't get my footing right anymore. I'm not properly equipped for the height of stress this job has placed on me. So rather then eventually slip into psychosis, I'm going to fall back.
Olivia said something to me that got me really inspired to do this, she asked me : "Mommy are you going to leave me?" And I said, "No of course not" and she replied, "you're going to stay with me forever..? " and simply said "forever and ever...."